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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why is my husband so embarrassed to have sex?

45 replies

Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 08/10/2020 16:23

Iv been married a year and together 6. He’s always been shy about his body but it’s got worse. We have had sex 3 times since lock down and it’s always feels like he’s doing it just because I feel sad about it.

He won’t let me touch him or look at him. He won’t let me go down on him and he won’t go on top.

He’s so depressed too lately but won’t seek help. He can’t take depressants because of his work.

I’m not sure what I can do. I try and make him feel good but he’s making me feel paranoid and unattractive too. I feel embarrassed to make a move because he always turns me down.

OP posts:

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 08/10/2020 16:37

What does he say when you ask him about it?

What job does he have that he can't take anti-depressants?

Raidblunner · 08/10/2020 16:45

Antidepressants may lift his mood but they certainly lower the sex drive. I was on 40 mg citilapram and trying to get to the money shot was nearly impossible. In the end you don't bother just read a book or do some gardening.
.

SoddingWeddings · 08/10/2020 16:50

I was a police officer on antidepressants.

You can take them if you work on oil rigs.

There aren't many jobs where its a serious issue.

Depression kills my libido OP, it's definitely him, not you.

Original poster

Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 08/10/2020 16:51

He’s a signaller for network rail, he has tried in the past and had to take leave.

OP posts:

Anotherthink · 08/10/2020 16:52

Are you sure it's embarrassment op? It sounds like he just has no sex drive which could be due to the depression.

Drs don't just prescribe antidepressants, he should make an appointment.

ColleagueFromMars · 08/10/2020 16:54

Network rail has a huge emphasis on employee mental health, doesn't it? Is there any support through work he could access?

Anothernick · 08/10/2020 16:58

He won't let you touch him or even look at him?! He is depressed, won't seek tratement and has no desire for sex?

I don't think you have a solid basis for an LTR here. You have only been married for a year, you need to think seriously whether you want to risk spending the rest of your life like this.

MasksGlovesSoapScrubs · 08/10/2020 17:01

@Anothernick

He won't let you touch him or even look at him?! He is depressed, won't seek tratement and has no desire for sex?

I don't think you have a solid basis for an LTR here. You have only been married for a year, you need to think seriously whether you want to risk spending the rest of your life like this.

they've been together six... married for one.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/10/2020 17:04

It sounds like he has some very deep seated problems with his confidence and self esteem. If he can't work when on anti depressants then I'd suggest he seek a skilled therapist to work with.

Could he also consider a temporary or permanent move within the company to a role where he could take medication? As a PP says, this may well worsen his sex drive temporarily but it sounds like his mental health is pretty much at crisis point.

I think there is probably a deep seated source of shame and pain in his past, revolving around his body image and/or sex. If you knew that this was the case, and that he isn't rejecting you because of anything your fault, would you feel able to support him through through the therapy process?

schmalex · 08/10/2020 17:07

Perhaps he could consider talking therapies if he can't take antidepressants.

Blessinghearts · 08/10/2020 17:16

i do feel there could well be a number of reasons into why he feels this way .it would seem as if he has lots of issues that are in relation to the past along with now in which those isses has not been addressed i sense he finds it hard to Express himself and just holds everything all in rather then specking about situations/issues in his life .i do feel that a small part of it is to do with his job ie hoping that all continues to go well in his job as mentioned before its a lot more then that maybe u should both have a dinner date and try and speck with him taking it from there he needs more time in order for his nerves to settle .once u get to the root of the problem then it will make your relationship a lot better. remember a lot of people were effected emotionally by the covid 19 and men are not particularly great at expressing the emotions

Jayaywhynot · 08/10/2020 17:20

I work for NR, they invest hugely in employee welfare, he can talk in confidence to Validium, should be a link on My Connect, also ask him to speak to his line manager, help is there for the asking

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 08/10/2020 17:23

Do you know much about his past ? What are his family and friends like ?

GoodbyeToCare · 08/10/2020 17:27

I don't know what to advise but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

For the last 18 months or so my sex life with DH has been...difficult. He blames performance anxiety but can't say why or where it came from. He has depression and anxiety and is medicated but things just keep getting worse and culminated in him having a full blown panic attack when I tried to initiate a couple of days ago.

It's utterly soul destroying for both of us and I hope you and your DH are able to work through it. I don't know where me and DH will go from here.

ncqtime · 08/10/2020 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ragwort · 08/10/2020 17:33

Maybe he is asexual and just not interested in sex? Was your sex Life different before you married?

Original poster

Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 08/10/2020 17:51

I think he has low confidence, depression and low testosterone.

He doesn’t talk to me at all, he’s embarrassed about it all.

He’s absolutely amazing in every other way, there’s no way I would leave over this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 08/10/2020 17:52

@Ragwort

Maybe he is asexual and just not interested in sex? Was your sex Life different before you married?

He says he thinks he is!

Not really, we had it more. But also the kids are older now and he’s worried about them hearing, although today no one was home and he wasn’t comfortable incase the neighbours heard the bed ffs 😩

OP posts:

SoulofanAggron · 08/10/2020 18:11

Antidepressants may lift his mood but they certainly lower the sex drive. I was on 40 mg citilapram and trying to get to the money shot was nearly impossible.

@Raidblunner There are dozens of medications for people's mood and probably not all will have this side effect on an individual. If one doesn't suit them they can try a different one.

He’s a signaller for network rail, he has tried in the past and had to take leave.

He could try a different one or a different med and probably not have to take leave. Most of them don't make people drowsy or negatively effect their reactions.

He could also try therapy.

Maybe he's gay or trans or something, although I supose asexuality is a thing.

Lexilooo · 08/10/2020 18:19

Anti depressants are dreadful for libido. When my DH was depressed we still had a good sex life, the medication killed it and it has never returned to where it was before. He hated the way they made him feel too. Encourage him to seek therapy if possible.

awsomer · 08/10/2020 18:20

I thought maybe gay or trans but impossible to know whether it’s the drugs or whether there’s some other deeper feeling going on without talking. If he won’t talk to you he needs to talk to someone else.

CrazyToast · 08/10/2020 18:28

I cant imagine a job that means you can't take antidepressants?

WithTheJonses · 08/10/2020 18:28

Do you think he could be self harming?

SoulofanAggron · 08/10/2020 18:31

@awsomer He's not on meds at the moment.

@CrazyToast I agree, it's not like a sedative med that can necessarily effect people's concentration. If they really are doing that then someone should contest it, as it'll stop people getting the help they need.

SoulofanAggron · 08/10/2020 18:32

@WithTheJonses What makes you say that?

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