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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why is my husband so embarrassed to have sex?

45 replies

Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 08/10/2020 16:23

Iv been married a year and together 6. He’s always been shy about his body but it’s got worse. We have had sex 3 times since lock down and it’s always feels like he’s doing it just because I feel sad about it.

He won’t let me touch him or look at him. He won’t let me go down on him and he won’t go on top.

He’s so depressed too lately but won’t seek help. He can’t take depressants because of his work.

I’m not sure what I can do. I try and make him feel good but he’s making me feel paranoid and unattractive too. I feel embarrassed to make a move because he always turns me down.

OP posts:

Holiday21plea · 08/10/2020 18:32

Can he see a therapist OP by himself?
I think you need to tell him how it makes you feel too.

movingonup20 · 08/10/2020 18:46

Antidepressants are not a panacea for low sex drive, they can make it worse, harder to climax. Sounds like he could do with seeing a specialist therapist in the first instance regarding this issue but for he wider mental health speak to his employer

Thelittleweasel · 08/10/2020 18:55

A noisy bed can be a real passion killer. Get it tightened up and make sure the headboard does not hit the wall!

SandyY2K · 08/10/2020 19:08

It sounds like this is always who he's been...except it's got worse for you.

It's not like you had a very active sex life and are having a dry spell. My experience is that anything that was always a bit of an issue, becomes more of an issue with time.

Original poster

Thedarksideofthemoon30 · 08/10/2020 19:16

He can’t even take hayfever tablets at work.

Iv told him he needs some help, he thinks the only help we need is a nanny... I think he’s fed up of the mundane life and parenting too.

OP posts:

Juniperandrage · 08/10/2020 19:20

Anti depressants don't kill everybody's libido. I'm on Prozac and have been for years and my libido is higher on it than off it

SoulofanAggron · 08/10/2020 19:27

He can’t even take hayfever tablets at work.

@Thedarksideofthemoon30 Some of them can cause drowsiness that's why. Antidepressants don't usually. I really think he could discuss this with someone in the union (maybe someone national rather than within his local branch, so it's private) so he's fully informed. He could check wth the union before he goes on them.

@Juniperandrage Exactly. They're not all the same for everyone.

Regularsizedrudy · 08/10/2020 19:42

Plenty of antidepressants don’t make you drowsy. But tbh I’m not sure what anyone can advise you, you went into the relationship with him like this so it’s difficult to see how he could change.

firesong · 08/10/2020 19:50

Did he let you go down, did he go on top etc in the past? Has there been a change in his weight or something that's making him feel more shy?

Raidblunner · 08/10/2020 21:10

SoulofanAggron... I was just relaying my experience in an attempt to offer some advice and help. I'm well aware if the multitude of drug therapies that are available. Citilapram does tend to be a GP's go to anti depressant and my experience of it is that it has an affect on your libido.

BubblyBarbara · 08/10/2020 23:26

The sex just dies off in some relationships and if it’s not a deal breaker it can evolve into a beautiful companionship although MN is typically against this

SandyY2K · 09/10/2020 11:47

The sex just dies off in some relationships and if it’s not a deal breaker it can evolve into a beautiful companionship although MN is typically against this

It's not really about MN being in support or against it...it's whether both parties in the relationship are happy about the situation.

Although my observation on MN is that it's usually okay if a woman isn't interested (it's her body, her has no right to sex when he wants, he's a sex pest etc), in comparison to when it's the man who isn't interested...then it's not acceptable and you should leave him.

When a man has a low drive...the wife is told to get him to the GP..have his testosterone tested etc...but no such comments are made when the woman has a low drive.

It's just part of the double standards and hypocrisy when it comes to men and women here.

WithTheJonses · 10/10/2020 01:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BubblyBarbara · 10/10/2020 12:53

It's not really about MN being in support or against it...it's whether both parties in the relationship are happy about the situation

You’re not wrong but I don’t think any marriage is 100% happy and everyone makes some sacrifice it has to tolerate something they don’t like. While things like abuse are clearly a total no go in terms of tolerance, people on MN seem rather disproportionately likely to think sex ten times a month is a requirement and don’t seem to believe companionship marriages, even if that’s a compromise, can work. See the endless comments about it being like having a roommate etc.

username501 · 10/10/2020 13:45

OP you say that you're not going to leave over having little to no sex so I'm not sure what it is you are looking for here. He obviously doesn't enjoy sex so I would stop initiating sex with him as it's unfair on him to have sex he clearly doesn't want.

He obviously needs therapy to help deal with his body issues and anxiety however, if he doesn't want to have therapy and won't take medication or do anything else, such as visit his GP - there's not much you can do apart from come to terms with a sexless relationship.

MrsBrunch · 10/10/2020 14:00

He has a low sex drive. He's always been like this yet you still married him. I'm wondering why.

daisy2002 · 10/10/2020 20:53

Has he spoken to one of his managers about using antidepressants?
I know it isn't the same company but tfl never used to let tube drivers take antidepressants but things have changed and now you're allowed to take them. You aren't allowed to drive for 6 weeks whilst your body is getting used to the medication but after that its fine.
I would assume its similar for the signallers and controllers who work for tfl too.
Tfl have a long list of medication that we're not allowed to take but they also list the alternatives we can take.

NiceandCalm · 10/10/2020 21:17

Could be he's checked out emotionally.

pinkyponkywonky · 11/10/2020 17:41

Sounds like my ex - found out he was trans after many, many years together. Always thought it was my fault, but what it actually was, was that he wished he was me (female). He didn't want me to go down on him because he was ashamed of his penis.
Fingers crossed this isn't your situation as it has broken me.
Good luck x

skipperjonce · 16/10/2020 17:41

I also work as a signaller for Network Rail. There is massive support available for mental health.

Recently a colleague could no longer perform his safety critical role safely due to mental health issues and he has been placed in a 6 month secondment to an administrative role (with no loss of salary)

If that is not an option with his manager, and his GP has prescribed medication that can't be taken on duty, he qualifies for up to 6 month medical leave on full pay.

Also, as another poster said, advise him to call Validium. I have used them in the past for a personal issue and the help was first class, anonymous and free.

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