Only myself to blame...

[Lonelynow]

Ok so I've posted about my messy situation before. Link here, its a long one.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4000677-Left-for-another-woman.

I'll recap it here. Basically my partner of 10 years went out one night and didn't come home, turns out he had stayed with a younger woman he met at work. He left to move in with her 5 days later. Lots of other lies and mind games along the way. This was 2 months ago.

He then left her I'm not sure exactly when because he's told me different and been caught out lying several times, I've since found out she actually left him because it was too much drama with me and he'd already started trying to manipulate her and being mean to her.

Just over a week ago something happened with him which was quite traumatic anr he gravitated back towards me. Saying all the right things, he's been stupid, the universe keeps trying to tell him we're meant to be together, he wanted to take things slow and see where it goes. Me being completely in love with him and having absolutely no respect for myself slept with him, cooked him meals, let him stay here, bought him a birthday gift. I truly had this stupid idea in my head that we'd been brought back together for a reason. I know, I know. I sound like a teenager, I've always been a hopeless romantic and like I say I'm completely in love with him.

Everything was going well until Tuesday evening. He had been off work, so wasn't around her but went back on Monday. He started being distant again, taking forever to reply to messages, saying he was coming over then canceling, then sent a message saying he thinks that I think he's coming back to me and our flat again and he isn't yesterday after lots of conversations about taking things slow and being together again. I'm fairly certain he's seeing her again.

I messaged him last night just asking him to be honest because I was under the impression things were going better. He replied asking better for who though me or him and said sometimes he doesn't know what to say to me. I said i could see where it's going again and he said it's not really again though is it. I haven't replied or heard anything since.

I feel so stupid. I realize this all sounds so juvenile and as the title says I've only myself to blame. I knew all along I was only second best but pushed it to the back of my mind. He's completely used me and dropped me again and I feel so worthless. Why would I allow him to treat me this way? What is wrong with me.

Anyway I don't know why I'm posting this because I already know what the responses will be. I'm absolutely stupid.

please... hold your head up high OP, you are worthy of better than him 🌺

Look, it’s not fair, and I totally understand where you are - I was with someone from when I was 20-30, I felt like he ‘stole’ my twenties, but with therapy I came to see that only I author my life, and if he chooses to be a shit to me, well then his loss.

I think you’ve gotten into a cycle of beating yourself up, feeling stupid, feeling alone, and desperately loving this man who does not care for you in the way your deserve.

Find your anger love - I’m not trying to say you shouldn’t feel your feelings, that’s something you have to go through, but you need to find a path to assert yourself. It’s fine to feel sorry for yourself and indulge in those feelings, but you must take back your power and control.

I know it feels so hard right now, but you need to love yourself more than you love this man. He does not love you. I’m sorry. It’s not fair! But it does you no good to keep beating yourself up about not being good enough etc, that achieves precisely nothin apart from making you feel shit

I wonder if you have kept going back so far because you were focusing on whether he wanted you? Rather than thinking "do I want him?" So you kept having him back because it was proof that you might be wanted?

Although he's technically the one who's broken it off this time, now you don't want him either, even as a backup plan -- do you?

I haven't contacted him though

Ohh, that is good, well done. It gets easier the more often you do it. Keep going

somehow he's the one who gets to go off and be happy. How is that fair?

Well, you know, it's really up to you. How do you feel about getting up and going off, and being happy (without him) yourself.

It would be a good way forward. Is there really anything stopping you from doing that?

You might not realise it quite yet, but you are strong, you are brave. You are doing great. You have got this now. Go for it.

You are a good and caring person op. You gave him a chance - that's an admirable thing to do. Everyone deserves to put right what they've done wrong. But he blew it, so he doesn't get to spend the rest of his life with you. More fool him. You deserve better and will have that once you move on.

This guy will undoubtedly be dissatisfied for his entire life. He had it good. Things are clearly not right with the OW or else he wouldn't have come back, so rest easy he's not getting away Scot free. Be kind to yourself. You are the prize!

He's not happy OP.... I'd say far from it 🌺

I second those posters who say you just did the decent human thing and gave him a second chance. And he blew it big time.

So now don't give him a third chance - you deserve so much better. Take some time to be single, build your self esteem, really learn to value yourself. You'll meet someone, probably when you're not looking.

And I agree with those who say your ex is not likely to be happy. He's going to be one of those who is never content with what he has and is always looking for something better, totally overlooking the good stuff he has. (I was married to one of those). So your best 'revenge', if you want to put it like that, is to build yourself up and be happy in your own skin - you'll have more than he ever will.

I've been where you are, craving someone I didn't even objectively want. Who didn't deserve me and who treated me badly.... I started working on my self esteem , because it was so low I didn't even recognise myself. It's the only way that I got through it all I think. All of my value was held in my relationship and then when he cheated and left I thought it was my fault because I'd put on some weight!. I didn't consider that a decent person would still have treated me with respect. You are worth so much more than what he's giving you. But me saying that has no value to you, you need to work on yourself to find that.

Counselling is really good for this, as is volunteering. I know things are difficult just now but you can start doing the research and initial contact for these just now. Counselling can happen online and it can still be effective.... I went a bit mad for self help books. Focused on a music folder for uplifting music, listened to audio books and meditations.... You've started your new life already. Please don't let this set you back.

He sounds like a sad and desperate man that cannot be alone and needs other women to make him feel ok about himself. He needs to be fawned over and told how wonderful he is and having women chasing after him. That’s why he cannot just be alone when one relationship ends, but these are narcissistic tendencies and he reveals his horrible little personality when he texts you and makes those nasty comments that he knows will hurt you. He doesn’t care about you or about her (hence him treating her badly too). You would both be so much better without him. There are lovely men out there that would love to be with you and would treat you well, but this one is definitely not that man!

I’d also say counselling would be a good thing. It’s easy to think that taking care of yourself demonstrates confidence but that’s not the case if you need someone to see those changes and praise you for them. You need to do it all for you and feel good about yourself x

Op please stop putting yourself down you aren't a joke and you arent stupid and all of the other awful things your saying about yourself. Hes the joke not you. Yes he prob didnt deserve a second chance but we live and learn. Your doing really well stay strong and be kind to yourself please. X

@Closetbeanmuncher

If you get rid of this trash once and for all I promise you will have a level of respect for yourself, and confidence you've never experienced before.

You say you've wasted your 20s on him, don't waste your 30s too. Get back into your exercise and self care and block the number.

It's not about 'choosing' with chancers like him, they just gravitate to whoever will put up with their shit. Don't be that person.

Was going to post similar but this is better.

From original post ".........he'd already started manipulating her"

Should tell you all you need, he needs to manipulate women to have a relationship. You win you've escaped.

Enjoy your 30s, they are better than your 20s, better without him eh.

You live and learn, don't hide his old gifts throw them away. Unless you can get good cash sell them if you can but dispose permanently.

And if it helps don't think of it as time wasted think of it as a life lesson, to recognise those not worthy quicker in the future. He has taught you what not to accept.

Be kind to yourself. Don't look back.

At least you know where you stand. Get rid of him, move on.

And put the Dua Lipa song IDGAF on loud that helps