Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Why am I scared of dh?

63 replies

Bubblemint · 08/10/2020 10:04

I’ve been with dh for 18 years, he’s 10 years older and was 30 when we met.
He’s never hit me. I number of times he’s lost his temper, like seriously lost his temper, is probably only in single figures. So why am I scared? When he loses his temper his face and voice changes completely and his eyes and he looks like someone else. I’m always keen to avoid this happening but maybe I should stand up to him? I don’t understand why I’m wary but I am, I think surely if he was going to harm me he would have by now.
So I am starting to think the issue is with me. Maybe I’m just so non confrontational that it’s made me feel scared of him losing his temper? It’s ridiculous isn’t it. I can’t udnerstand it myself.

OP posts:

SecretOfChange · 08/10/2020 17:57

I am doing Freedom Programme right now and one of the things from that book that stood out for me is the following.

"There is a common misconception that a woman who has been abused has some understanding of what has happened to her. This is simply not true. When a woman is being subjected to abuse she feels that she is in the middle of a very confusing mess and that it must be somehow her fault."

SecretOfChange · 08/10/2020 18:06

has a very good abuse theme. It includes physical violence in the movie but has useful insights that apply to any abusive situation. For example, it portrays the abuser as a playful, caring father some of the time which confuses his wife so much that even with the help of counselling she is unable to fully see his behaviour for what it is, or to take action. Abusive relationships are very, very confusing.

SoulofanAggron · 08/10/2020 18:19

Another thing they say in the Freedom Programme is that abusers very rarely have to use violence, if at all. They use other ways of controlling and abusing most of the time.

Your son will have remembered what his dad said.

And that he didn't actually do it doesn't mean he doesn't have the potential to do it.

Pacif1cDogwood · 08/10/2020 18:47

SecretOfChange, I found BigLittleLies VERY difficult to watch because it was so good at showing how subtle, undermining and confusing a lot of abuse is, well before ANY overt violence actually happens.

SandyY2K · 08/10/2020 21:26

OP, I agree with you hink about the age gap.

A 10 year age gap when your 20, makes an unequal relationship.

A 30 year old will usually have a lot more relationship and life experience than a 20 year old and can manipulate a younger partner, without them even realising.

My DD is 20...I wouldn't want her with a 30 year old as it creates an imbalance in many ways.

That doesn't mean you should be scared of him and that is an issue that you need to discuss with him.

Maybe he's unaware how you feel. A decent man would be horrified if his wife is scared of him. It's not about whether he's been violent on the past, but your fear of how he expresses his anger when he loses his temper.

heartlikepaper · 08/10/2020 21:41

There's a lot in this for you OP, Look into getting some counselling for yourself in a safe space where you can unpack all the confusion and emotion and make sense of it. I hope you are ok, its horrible to be afraid in your own home with the person who is supposed to love you and make you feel loved

CheshireChat · 08/10/2020 22:11

You say you don't stand up for yourself- what do you think would happen if you did though?

Say you addressed the financial imbalance?

Because if you avoid any difficult discussion just because you're frightened of how he'll react, that's very telling.

How would you feel if your DS started copying this behaviour as well? Or how do you think your husband would react if your son genuinely lost his temper just like his dad?

Original poster

Bubblemint · 08/10/2020 22:14

I am frightened of how he’ll react but I don’t know why - I shy away from difficult conversations or conversations that are much more than superficial. I’m quite closed to dh.

OP posts:

Aknifewith16blades · 08/10/2020 22:18

OP, have a chat with Women's Aid who can help you work through your feelings and make any plans from there.

FWIW, I have never felt scared of my partner, and having experienced DV/ abuse as a child, I would leave in your shoes. A good relationship should make you feel stronger, not powerless; if he's threatening your 9yo, what is going to happen when he's 15?

CheshireChat · 08/10/2020 22:26

You're frightened because he's reacted very badly in the past and has threatened to react even worse if you and your son don't toe the line.

My ex was similar and my childhood had a lot of conflict so I am conflict avoidant as well, but the best thing I ever did was to ditch the arsehole.

AlreadyGone44 · 11/11/2020 13:51

I keep coming back to this thread. Its so familiar and I feel the same way @Bubblemint. Dh has always had certain situations that get him really annoyed and make him snap at everyone. But last year there were a couple of he got really angry. And he didn't do anything to anyone, he yelled and kicked some toys across the room. It was scary how angry he was, just the intensity, for me and our boys. When I walked out into it I froze for a moment. And everytime something brings it up I feel that right knot in my stomach and Nausea and echoes of the fear I felt, the kids felt for months. I worry about how he'll react to so many things, but then nothing bad happens and I feel like that's proof my fear is a product of my anxiety rather than his actions.

Nanny0gg · 11/11/2020 18:09

@Bubblemint

But he only said it. He hasn’t done it. He doesn’t spend much time with ds if I’m honest so I think there is reduced capacity for these incidences just from an exposure perspective. If I left he might actually have more unsupervised time with him - which would make it worse possibly?

So he's threatening.

Do you want your DS to live with that?

Onthedunes · 11/11/2020 18:51

No , No, No

Everthing you write op suggests you are living with someone with absolutely no empathy.

Very dangerous people to command their authority without argument or discussion.

He believes he is all powerful.
He probably doesn't have to be anywhere near you for you to be completely under his control.
This will only become worse as your relationship progresses, as you discover his real self, if you ever question his boundaries.
You have no rights in this partnership.

Read up about narcissists.
What you see when he is angry is his real self.

One day the devil will be unleased in him and it will become constant.
By which time you will be crushed.

You know evil... even if he appears to be the sweetest natured person to the ousde world.

And for the pp who questioned one argument in 18 years, this only shows the level of control he has over her.
Would anyone be expected to not disagree after so much time, well she has, she's learnt how to survive by keeping quite for 18 years.

The level of abuse that jumps out to me in this post is frightening and the covert behaviour hiding behind a curtain of respectability is even more worrying.

Flip

1 2 3