To be so overwhelmed by my depressed DH

[5SecondRuleJr]

I feel so overwhelmed I no longer know what to think or how to behave. I’m just trying to write this all down and hope you can help me make some sense of it.

I have 2 young DC (5 and 8) and work part time. DH and I have had a few up and down years recently. DHs mental health has been pretty poor and it’s made him erratic and difficult. However, things have really come to a head this year. From Sep 2019, I was supporting a family member in difficult circumstances. November 2019 and a parent was diagnosed with a very serious, terminal disease. In Jan, my grandmother passed away and then in March we went into lockdown. It was an extremely stressful time, especially because I had to take on all the admin/ decision making / caring responsibilities. However, for some reason lockdown was the straw that broke the camels back. DHs anxiety and depression escalated to unbearable levels in lockdown. For 2 weeks he barely got out of bed. In addition to homeschooling 2 children and watching them all alone, I managed the house all alone, arranged for my parents, worked from home and answered by DHs emails etc out of fear of him losing his job. Finally, he agreed to speak with the GP in May. Since May he’s done 6 weeks of therapy (I would have to do his therapy homework, ensure he dialled in etc), tried 2 different ADs (each w a two week adjustment period where symptoms got worse). I know it’s so hard for him but I just feel like I’m drowning. Now the kids are back at school I still do all school drop offs and pick ups (he doesn’t drive) and every last thing for the kids/ house/ family / him. I don’t think he’s left the house since March. I can’t ever leave because watching the kids stresses him out. He then shouts at them and I can’t leave them in that situation. He’s extremely anxious about Covid so we don’t go anywhere or meet anyone. Life should be getting easier , the kids are in school, our cleaner has come back and DH is on ADs but it’s just not. Any small emergencies (car breakdown etc) feel huge because I just don’t think I can cope with another thing on my plate. My DC8 is sensitive and is upset that DH is always anxious/ absent, so I feel like I have to compensate by being extra cheerful. I just feel worn so incredibly thin. I feel there’s absolutely no space in my life, for me, for any happiness or spontaneity or relaxation. I’m finding it so awkward to justify not seeing friends as lockdown restrictions have eased so I’m falling out of contact with friends instead. I’m just so so tired. I’ve tried speaking to my old therapist, but she’s wfh. I just can’t relax on the phone because DH is always home. I have to tread on eggshells around him as well, if I complain about anything/ look tired/ am not cheerful then I’m putting pressure on him and making him feel worse. I spend all day every day working around the kids/ housework etc. In the evenings, I sit downstairs alone whilst DH games online. Then I go to bed and start the whole slog again the next day at 6. I can’t speak to my family as they dislike him. I can’t speak to his family as his parents don’t believe in depression. As he’s not well, DH will sometimes be quite blunt as well - the other day he just looked at me and said, god you’ve aged during lockdown. Again, I do pull him up onean comments but he just isn’t happy in himself. I feel so alone and hopeless. I feel so guilty all the time. I feel so inadequate in every area of my life.
I’m just looking for a bit of a hand hold or any advice from anyone whose been in my shoes.

This is crossing the line into emotional abuse - how dare he be mean about your appearance? And there's no excuse for being untrustworthy with his own children.

I'm concerned that you are excusing controlling behaviour in him because of his MH. It's not right that you can't see friends. And it's not right that you can't speak to your family. It's gone way beyond trying to support him, he's using his MH as an excuse to isolate you.

I think you need some time apart - could you and the kids go to family? Could your dh go to his parents for a bit?

I'm sure his depression is very hard, but he also sounds quite mean, with that comment about having aged.

I notice he manages to motivate himself to play games online but not to do anything else
Why don't your parents like him?

Depression and anxiety is hard but this is emotional abuse and just because someone suffers from a mental health condition does not give them licence to hurt other people.

I would be telling him he needs to contribute to the family emotionally while carrying on with medication and/or therapy or to consider finding somewhere else to live. This is not fair on you or your DC's.

You know you don't have to put up with this. It's absolutely exhausting living with someone who suffers from depression - I have a lot of experience of this. I think it can be worse for the other person as they have to put up with really horrible behaviour, have to carry the can as far as housework and children and cooking and shopping and everything else is concerned, and you don't get any bloody sympathy, either!

It might be that it would be more healthy for everyone if you and the children moved out. I doubt he'd move out.

Sorry, I should have put more background to my post. My family isn’t British and would be extremely unsupportive of me leaving, I’d basically have to go it alone. I know what you mean about the comments - in the past I’d have pulled him up straight away but I’m just so tired and I just can’t deal with any additional guilt.

I was hoping to answer this as someone who is suffering severe depression with a partner who is struggling to understand. But it seems that you have understanding in abundance and its your DH who needs to be doing more. Depression is awful, but it doesn't seem as though he's doing a great deal to get himself better and doesn't care about the consequences for you if he doesn't. From what you said it doesn't seem as though he engaged with therapy (given you did his homework for him) and ADs are unlikely to be effective on their own. Lockdown has had an impact on many people's mental health, but its important that he acknowledges what that means for you too. At the stage you're at, I think your priority needs to be you. You can only be a decent support to him if you yourself are well. As others have suggested, are you able to stay with family for a while? And maybe have a look in to other counsellors? Alternatively, is there someone who could look after your children while you have a telephone appointment with your old cousellor? You could sit in the car or go for a walk.

It isn't easy being with someone with depression, but you don't just exist to look after him, you're important too.

I also feel so guilty about work. My managers were so patient whilst the kids were at home but you can hear the unasked questions when I can’t attend a single meeting around pick up/ drop off/ child illness, I’m sure they’re all wondering where the DCs father is in all this

Why would it be you leaving? Surely he should move out? The current arrangement is not leading to him getting better so maybe he would be better off at his mum's or in a house share for a while.

Oh God. I felt exhausted and very depressed just reading that. He is awful. Awful awful awful. You are doing absolutely everything including his bloody therapy! And meanwhile he spends his evenings gaming! And insults your appearance FFS! No wonder your family don't like him.

LTB. I don't say that lightly, I know it won't be easy. But you'll have a breakdown yourself if you don't.

He is either emotionally abusive or "just" a selfish vampire draining the life out of you but either way you can't stay with him.

Depression is shit but it's not an excuse to be a dick!!

What's happening with the medication, have to say I'm quite concerned at what you wrote about changing meds every two weeks because he was getting worse. The first 2 weeks are the worst part.... The symptoms do get worse, there are intrusive/suicidal thoughts etc because the brain is adapting to a chemical change. Day 10 is generally the "you are at rock bottom, the only way now is up..."

Sit outside in the car to talk to your therapist.

I would get rid of the playstation or whatever it is. He is clearly using that to self medicate.

This sounds awful 5secondrule. Depression can make people very self-absorbed but there is no excuse for nastiness. Saying you’ve aged (by which I assume he means you look exhausted which is hardly surprising when you describe what you’ve been through and are having to deal with). The entire household is revolving around him and his needs and yours and the DCs are unimportant.

I do agree with posters who are suggesting moving out at least in the short term. You would still be doing the same amount of work but you wouldn’t have to deal with a brooding, unpleasant partner who has you all treading on eggshells. What is he doing all day while you are dashing about doing everything? And if he’s got the energy and concentration span to be gaming all evening he’s got the energy and concentration to be doing work emails and contributing to the workload of the household. I think he needs to be told you aren’t prepared to put up with this any longer and he has to get off his backside and do stuff, stop shouting and start parenting and stop insulting you.

You and your DC deserve better. I’m sorry you are having such a time of it.

Oh and you are enabling him btw (doing his work emails - he should have been signed off sick) and you might find it helpful to look up codependency.

Sorry having read other posts I agree it should be him moving out not you and the DC.

I'm shattered just reading your post. Kick him out and send him to his parents. You simply can't continue on like this.

OP, you've done an absolutely incredible and stellar job juggling all these things so please congratulate yourself on this. However you HAVE to slow down otherwise you WILL end up having a mental breakdown and in a much worse mental condition than your DH. It's simply not humanely possible for any human to continue what you have been doing. No one continues exercising on a broken leg as you will end up with a worse, or even irreparable, injury. Your brain and mind is no different from the rest of your body.

Also I'm sure if the roles were reversed, your DH, even if he was fully mentally healthy, would not be able to do anything close to what you have been doing or give you even a fraction of the support you're giving to him so stop feeling guilty right away!!

Seems like your husband has taken advantage of you doing everything for everyone and therefore has allowed himself little motivation to change anything because he knows you'll pick up the slack. That comment about your appearance is so telling. A depressed person would be feeling guilty about all the stress you've been carrying due to them not pulling their weight and would be concerned that this has now (apparently) started to affect your appearance so would be looking to do whatever is in their power to help themselves, out of love for you and the kids. You're attributing too much of his bad behaviour to anxiety and depression. He's an adult and needs to take responsibility. He needs to get right back out there to get stronger medication and be leaving the house and helping with the kids. The irony is the more you mollycoddle him, the more he will stay in bed and continue to worsen his, yours and the family's mental health. Being firmer with someone is actually an effective way to support them in this instance. Do you have any other family members who could help and/or childcare, cleaner etc.? You just can't go on like this.

And stop doing stuff, work emails or therapy, for him!! This is making the situation worse. He has to help himself. How is you doing his therapy homework helping him?

Thank you all, it feels such a relief to just be able to say how I feel to someone.

I’m embarrassed to sit in the car and speak to my therapist as I will inevitably cry and look like a lunatic.

He says the gaming is the only thing which brings him any joy so we no longer talk about it.

He is back at work now (remotely) I was only fielding his calls/ emails for those first few weeks. He has a really stressful job which makes him moodier.

Does it really matter if someone sees you crying in the car?

You need that outlet. You need support.

Sounds like depression is being used as an excuse to abuse you. Being a nasty, controlling dickhead to your partner and children is not in the diagnostic criteria. I'm not surprised your family dislike someone who treats you so badly.

Since May he’s done 6 weeks of therapy (I would have to do his therapy homework, ensure he dialled in etc)

There is literally no point in doing someone's therapy (CBT?) Homework for them. Doing the "homework" is the therapy. If somebody else does it then it may as well not be done at all. So he didn't do 6 weeks of therapy, you did.

Why did you do that? I'm sure you had a reason but I'm not sure what you hoped to achieve?

I’d basically have to go it alone

In what way are you not already going it alone? Isn't that why you're burnt out?

So far on this thread you've worried about your husband, your children, your family's views, your manager's views (via mind-reading), the views of random strangers seeing you in your car (also via mind-reading) ... where do you fit? When do you stop trying to care for and appease everybody in the world except yourself?

You're already doing everything. This isn't sustainable. Your health is already suffering along with your wellbeing and sanity. Would you consider separating?

I would suggest if he wants to stay part of the family unit then he needs to cut out the online gaming and engage with the family again. I lived with my brother through serious mental illness and the crisis team said any stimulus like that needs to be massively reduced. I also agree that mental illness doesn’t go hand in hand with being nasty and putting you down.

Agree with everything people are saying. This isnt sustainable op. He is taking the piss massively. I'm not saying he's not depressed please note, but he has taken advantage of your very good nature.
Speak to your therapist to offload. Tell your DH you've had enough and he needs to start doing more of his share. Your career could be in jeopardy otherwise.
Above and beyond ALL else is the question, what is best here for your DC and I'm sorry to say that I don't think it would be to stay in this marriage.
Do talk to your family and do start seeing your friends again. Does it matter if he's not there?

Oh sweetheart 💐 A man who can do gaming but can’t leave his kids to school is not a good man. Yes, depression is hideous ( I’ve been there) but it not an excuse to treat other people like shit. He sounds incredibly self absorbed. Please don’t indulge him any longer. This is taking a huge hit on up your own mental health and well-being.Think about what would benefit yours and your kids best interests and aim for that.

My DH was stressed, exhausted and very low this time last year and I felt much like you, apart from he wasn't unpleasant to me, just sad and withdrawn. By Christmas, a dark cloak hung over the whole house and I felt I was hanging by a thread trying to keep things going.
Conversely to your experience, lockdown and wfh has saved us and life is much better for the whole family a so I don't really have any advice to offer, but just wanted to say that you are not alone 💐