To be so overwhelmed by my depressed DH

[5SecondRuleJr]

I feel so overwhelmed I no longer know what to think or how to behave. I’m just trying to write this all down and hope you can help me make some sense of it.

I have 2 young DC (5 and 8) and work part time. DH and I have had a few up and down years recently. DHs mental health has been pretty poor and it’s made him erratic and difficult. However, things have really come to a head this year. From Sep 2019, I was supporting a family member in difficult circumstances. November 2019 and a parent was diagnosed with a very serious, terminal disease. In Jan, my grandmother passed away and then in March we went into lockdown. It was an extremely stressful time, especially because I had to take on all the admin/ decision making / caring responsibilities. However, for some reason lockdown was the straw that broke the camels back. DHs anxiety and depression escalated to unbearable levels in lockdown. For 2 weeks he barely got out of bed. In addition to homeschooling 2 children and watching them all alone, I managed the house all alone, arranged for my parents, worked from home and answered by DHs emails etc out of fear of him losing his job. Finally, he agreed to speak with the GP in May. Since May he’s done 6 weeks of therapy (I would have to do his therapy homework, ensure he dialled in etc), tried 2 different ADs (each w a two week adjustment period where symptoms got worse). I know it’s so hard for him but I just feel like I’m drowning. Now the kids are back at school I still do all school drop offs and pick ups (he doesn’t drive) and every last thing for the kids/ house/ family / him. I don’t think he’s left the house since March. I can’t ever leave because watching the kids stresses him out. He then shouts at them and I can’t leave them in that situation. He’s extremely anxious about Covid so we don’t go anywhere or meet anyone. Life should be getting easier , the kids are in school, our cleaner has come back and DH is on ADs but it’s just not. Any small emergencies (car breakdown etc) feel huge because I just don’t think I can cope with another thing on my plate. My DC8 is sensitive and is upset that DH is always anxious/ absent, so I feel like I have to compensate by being extra cheerful. I just feel worn so incredibly thin. I feel there’s absolutely no space in my life, for me, for any happiness or spontaneity or relaxation. I’m finding it so awkward to justify not seeing friends as lockdown restrictions have eased so I’m falling out of contact with friends instead. I’m just so so tired. I’ve tried speaking to my old therapist, but she’s wfh. I just can’t relax on the phone because DH is always home. I have to tread on eggshells around him as well, if I complain about anything/ look tired/ am not cheerful then I’m putting pressure on him and making him feel worse. I spend all day every day working around the kids/ housework etc. In the evenings, I sit downstairs alone whilst DH games online. Then I go to bed and start the whole slog again the next day at 6. I can’t speak to my family as they dislike him. I can’t speak to his family as his parents don’t believe in depression. As he’s not well, DH will sometimes be quite blunt as well - the other day he just looked at me and said, god you’ve aged during lockdown. Again, I do pull him up onean comments but he just isn’t happy in himself. I feel so alone and hopeless. I feel so guilty all the time. I feel so inadequate in every area of my life.
I’m just looking for a bit of a hand hold or any advice from anyone whose been in my shoes.

If i was your friend I'd want to see you even if you had to bring the children along. Please try and confide in someone irl.

Can you look for a local childminder or nursery for the dc to go to after school, this might give you the opportunity to meet up with some friends, and / or take the pressure off work? Maybe also look for a childminder/nanny that could do a few hours on a weekend so you can go out with friends or just have some 'you' time?

As for your dh, I know mh issues are horrid and difficult, but it's not an excuse to treat you like a skivvy. He needs to get further help and help you. It might also do his mh some good, get out and do the school runs, walk etc.

I'd leave. Sounds awful. Yes mental ill-health is tough (I have suffered from it myself) but that doesn't give you a license to treat your family like shit.

He needs to genuinely seek help, and engage with the family. You had to do his therapy homework for him? How is he going to heal if he won't do it himself.

You should speak to your therapist on the phone in front of him so your selfish DH hears how tough things are for YOU. What a waste of space, I certainly wouldn't be enabling his shit behaviour depressed or not depressed.

If he is not prepared or able to put the effort into his own recovery then he isn't going to get better. I think you are enabling him to an extent. Reminding him of his appointments is fine, my dh is forgetful so I do that for him, but covering his work or doing his homework for him isn't helping him, its just papering over the problem. Its like you doing his physio exercises when he has the broken leg. If medication isn't working he needs to go back to the doctor, and say so.

My dh has chronic treatment resistant depression, and has very black periods. Hes never disparaged my appearance or been anything other than grateful for my support. Hes also quite capable of dropping the kids at nursery or parenting them for a couple of hours. I know how tough it can be to live with someone with depression, it makes people very self absorbed at times, but it doesn't make them nasty.

I think you perhaps need to think hard about what you want from the next few months and years. In many ways it might be easier to parent alone than with him as your responsibility as well. But I can understand that walking away from the man you married when he is mentally ill would be very hard. Its a tough decision to make. Would he consider some kind of couples therapy to help you both talk through the issues you're having?

Lovey, you're already going it alone.

Splitting with him would actually make your life easier, because you wouldn't have to worry and do all the work for him that you're currently doing.

I have struggled with MH problems for all of my adult life. Depression can be a very selfish illness in that you become very inward looking, but a previous poster is right in that you feel guilty got being a burden. However, he sounds as if he is using it as an excuse to check out of family.life, treat you like shit and have you running round after him, with a handy "get out of jail free card" in his pocket in that if you try and talk to him, he'll use his depression as a reason why he needs to be left alone.

This is total bullshit. Part of any recovery is that you have to take responsibility for your own MH, and you have to do the work - you have to engage with professionals, be present and open to therapy and the homework tasks they set.

Doubtless he is probably depressed, but it sounds to me like he's using it as a weapon. In your shoes I would.leave him.

So what would happen if you ended up off work with stress?
Who is looking after you here OP? What about your health?
I agree with the other posters that this seems more than depression and borderline emotional, if not actually, abusive with his comments etc.
He has you running around doing everything. Depression is not a reason to shout at his kids or treat you like shit.

“I can’t attend a single meeting around pick up/ drop off/ child illness, I’m sure they’re all wondering where the DCs father is in all this”

You’ve had terrific advice from others so am just picking up on the above point: why is your employer habitually scheduling meetings during school drop-off and pick-up. If you can, you should raise that with your manager. It’s unnecessary and the kind of casually thoughtless behaviour that leads to working parents (usually mothers) being sidelined.

Sell the games?
What kind of man has time to play games but not take care of his kids

Just because he's depressed it doesn't mean you have to live with it. He's doing nothing to help himself. You get nothing from the relationship you should leave. I know it may feel hard right now but once he's gone you'll feel so much better x

I’ve suffered anxiety and depression like this in lockdown, and I’m terrified of going anywhere.

But, l don’t abuse anyone, or be rude to anyone. I try to comply with medications even though they scare me. On good days l pull my weight as much as l can ( well l also try to do it on bad days too)

I had severe depression as a single parent with a 2 year old 20 years ago. I couldn’t lie in bed all day, l had to get up and do stuff even though l didn’t want to.

I frequently want to hide in bed ( am off sick atm) all day, but l can’t. The best thing in terms of CBT is not to hide and to force yourself to get up. It’s hard, but l think your dh is not trying to help himself.

I also came on to pick up on the point @Dery made.

Your employer needs to STILL be as sympathetic as during lockdown. It's even harder than lockdown in a way because you have to go out twice a day for at least half an hour depending on where you live (my school run takes an hour).

My team accepts that those with children may not be available for meetings before 9.30 and between 2.30-3.30. You need to raise this with your employer because after school/before school care is very hard to come by at the moment and employers need to accept this and be flexible. Also, many parents do all school runs due to another parent's job so they should not query this. They may in fact not be - maybe it is one thing you don't have to worry about if you talk to them about yout worries and explain the pressure you are under?

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince

I’ve suffered anxiety and depression like this in lockdown, and I’m terrified of going anywhere.

But, l don’t abuse anyone, or be rude to anyone. I try to comply with medications even though they scare me. On good days l pull my weight as much as l can ( well l also try to do it on bad days too)

I had severe depression as a single parent with a 2 year old 20 years ago. I couldn’t lie in bed all day, l had to get up and do stuff even though l didn’t want to.

I frequently want to hide in bed ( am off sick atm) all day, but l can’t. The best thing in terms of CBT is not to hide and to force yourself to get up. It’s hard, but l think your dh is not trying to help himself.

Agree with the above. I have experienced depression and anxiety but was never rude like your DH

My husband has also experienced terrible depression in the past. I would be there for him to talk to, support him to 'open up' and I also helped him to find a new job (the source of his depression was a toxic workplace). He would sometimes be snappy with me and moody BUT would always apologise a bit later and was AWARE when he was out of order. He understood that I was going out my way to be there for him and would voice his appreciation.

However it seems from your post that your DH does not show remorse when he is nasty nor any gratitude for all you are doing and that to me is a big warning sign.

I think he is using his MH as an excuse for some of his behaviour.

You need to look after yourself, as the saying goes 'you can't pour from an empty cup'. Be there for him, understanding and support him to get help but don't let him be nasty to you as that will affect YOUR mental health.

Can you sit down and have a frank conversation: how is he feeling, what can you do to help but what your boundaries are too and how YOU are feeling.

Sending u a virtual hug OP

He sounds like an arse OP. Depression is no excuse to be horrible to the one person who's facilitating your nonsense. You've aged during lockdown? Well it's no wonder with this dead weight dragging you down. I've had depression as have family members/friends of mine and we didn't have the luxury of opting out of life and ignoring our children to play bloody video games. He's taking the absolute piss. You're already doing it all anyway, why not get rid of him and do it in a happy environment. Your children deserve better than a father who's emotionally abusive. It's already affecting your eight year old. I bet he'd miraculously be able pull his socks up if you separated and no one was around to pander to his shit.

don't let him abuse your good nature under the guise of "depression".

He is destroying you. That rubbish about the gaming too. If he can motivate himself to game he can damn well do other things too.

It's strange it's mostly men who have depression but can do the thing they want but not what they need to do. Depression sucks but being an adult means ultimately you have to seek help and use it yourself - other people can help you but they can't cure you.

Why does he need to get help? You look after him and he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. I'm sorry about your family but it would actually be easier being a single parent - you have one less load to look after. If you assume no family help - you might be surprised if they DO come round for you. However, no ultimatums unless you are prepared to follow through. I have been an emotional diarrhoea mop-bucket and it sucks - not doing that again.

Start by planning nice things for you and your children on your own without him. Nothing to stop you seeing friends on Zoom or getting a homebased hobby/workout. Start your future life now.

You’re a bloody lionheart! If he can game and have the energy to tell you that you’ve aged then he has the wherewithal to function. Reconsider your marriage. It’s not a life sentence, you’ve choices, and you also for now need to make them in the best interests of your children. I’m sorry you don’t have the support of your family, I also made a rum choice of partner and I lost people in droves. It’s tough. Depression is an absolute bitch, I’ve been there, but it didn’t turn me into a cunt (I know that’s a very horrible word, but honestly your life sounds hell).

Pick a friend. Tell that friend everything you've posted. Ask them to help you unravel your unhappiness.

Whether it be by minding the DC while you call your therapist, letting you use them as a listening ear, helping you to decide on your 'red line' or formulate a plan.

Between MN, your therapist and your chosen friend(s), we can help you get through this.

My partner has crippling PTSD and major depressive disorder. He always says “MH problems are no excuse for being a dick”. However, we do live apart. This really helps as we can support each other but maintain space. If he is having a rough patch, he can deal with it in the best way he can. It’s not conventional, but it works for us. It’s not easy for someone to pull themselves out of depression, but it’s something that only they can do (with professional help, obviously). I have a lot of understanding of MH problems, but I wouldn’t stand for your situation. It’s not ok to cherry pick the parts of life you want to engage with.

Give him an ultimatum. he improves or moves out.

The only way to get him out of this rut is to force him to hit rock bottom. Doing everything for him hasn't worked and won't work. You have to get him to help himself.

he needs to move out to his parents. Hopefully this is the short sharp shock he needs to sort himself out. The worst thing to do would be to wait until the love is dead and the marriage is over and then give him the ultimatum. Then he might change but it's too late.

Women often try everything, give up, stop loving their DH and THEN give an ultimatum. By then it's too late and even though they change, the marriage can't be saved. Give it now.

I have been in this situation OP, I have 4 children in fact and I’m not British either so I did it all on my own and felt I had to be cheerful and “ make up for it” for many,many years. Bottom line- I’m getting divorced. Very hard as I gave up well paid work to “ make it all work” for everyone else basically but felt I had no other choice as there are only 24 hours in the day. I’m ok- the kids are doing well. But I think that the medals shouldn’t be handed out to the people with MH issues: they should be handed out to those closest to people with MH issues- the heroes/ heroines who pick up the flak day to day,and keep the world spinning on its axis. There. I’ve said it. Can’t really advise as such but I threw the towel in and guess what? STBXH has almost moved in his new gf to his new place and sees the kids 3 times a fortnight -at most. I’m well shot of him. Sorry, but that’s the truth.

He has done a massive number on you

Living apart would be much, much easier than this and might make him actually take some responsibility for himself

You need to try to emotionally detach as much as you can from your H and concentrate on looking after yourself. He needs to want to get better for himself. You can't do it for him. I'd lay it the line with him about how his behaviour is affecting the DC, that is really a red line.As others have advised, suggest he goes to his parents for a bit.

This book is quite old now but could be helpful:
www.amazon.co.uk/Depression-Fallout-Anne-Sheffield/dp/0060009349/ref=sr_1_1?hvlocphy=9045808&hvnetw=g&keywords=depression+fallout&hvadid=259187020550&qid=1602191677&dchild=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIvpaEjPWl7AIVmpntCh3n3AvpEAAYASAAEgLN3PD_BwE&hydadcr=11864_1766789&hvdev=c&hvqmt=e&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=kwd-364808760957&adgrpid=54885509722&hvrand=16113867074636723306&sr=8-1

There is also a Depression forum for carers and loved ones of those with depression with a General Discussion forum:
www.tapatalk.com/groups/depressionfalloutmessageboard/general-discussion-f1/

It is so hard to uhnpick what is caused by the illness and what is basically emotional abuse. The best way is to put any precious energy you might have left into selfcare.

I'll reply properly to your thread tomorrow (too knackered tonight) but i have been in the same position & eventually ended things.