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Original poster

Husband out of character

33 replies

veraismyspiritanimal · 07/10/2020 19:10

I can't quite put my finger on it. Been together 24 years . We have always done everything together or with our mutual friends. He has recently started grumbling though and and saying he wants to hang out with men more and feels stifled
He always seemed perfectly happy just us
Anyone had this before?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2020 19:12

Is there anything else going on with him?

Original poster
veraismyspiritanimal · 07/10/2020 19:20

Not as far as I know....he says lockdown has made him feel stifled and he wants to do more with male friends

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 07/10/2020 19:32

What else is going on in his life? work? Covid worries? It is normal to go through a life review period in middle age according to developmental psychology and start re-evaluating areas of life that feel unfulfilled when one realises there maybe only X years of good health left. Are you thinking it is great he is thinking about practical steps to change this? Or worried about what this means for you?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2020 19:40

Does he have any hobbies? Are there any he might be interested in?

Monr0e · 07/10/2020 19:49

Does he have a specific group of friends he is referring to or just male friends in general?

To be honest, I'm not sure why it is an issue if he wants to spend time with his friends? Unless it's 5 nights a week or every weekend?

Original poster
veraismyspiritanimal · 07/10/2020 20:02

He doesn't really have any friends and certainly isn't a pop to the pub for a pint type he has always just been happy for us to hang out together so after all this time it just seems a bit weird

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2020 20:10

One thing you need to make clear is that grumbling to you isn't going to change anything. If he wants to do new things then he's going to have to make the effort and take the initiative to achieve it.

HaggisBurger · 07/10/2020 20:13

Any chance anyone else caught his eye do you think? Laying ground work for time spent away from you.

Just a possibility obvs.

Jade308 · 07/10/2020 20:14

I think lockdown as made people re evaluate their lives, it's probably something of nothing.

Lollypop701 · 07/10/2020 20:17

I’ve spent pretty much every.bloody.day since march 23rd with husband ... both working at home. I too want to spend more time with my female friends and feel stifled.

forumdonkey · 07/10/2020 20:18

@veraismyspiritanimal

He doesn't really have any friends and certainly isn't a pop to the pub for a pint type he has always just been happy for us to hang out together so after all this time it just seems a bit weird
If he's not got any friends and doesn't like pub, has he said who and where he'd be going out?

I'd be suspicious too tbh.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2020 20:20

Any chance anyone else caught his eye do you think? Laying ground work for time spent away from you.

I admit, this crossed my mind, too.

Swaning · 07/10/2020 20:30

I don't agree anyone has caught his eye, i think he just wants to address the lack of friends and go and do man things. He probably sees others doing things and wishes it was him.

I dont think itll last though, probably a phase that will pass before it really gets going.

Best thing you can do is encourage it and not stand in his way, or more resentment will set in.

He will be on to the next phase before you can blink...

MMmomDD · 07/10/2020 20:36

OP - it is perfectly normal to spend some time apart in a healthy relationship. And if anything you saying you always did everything together for 20+ years is a little strange.
Lockdown was hard on everybody and no doubt made his already small world even smaller.

Why are you so worried that he wants to spend time with male friends? Or friends in general?

Standrewsschool · 07/10/2020 20:39

Did he hang out with friends prior to Covid? Do a sport or hobby which meant he got out and about. If so, i guess that’s what he’s missing.

If not, and he doesn’t really have a group of friends, I’d be suspicious as well. Have you asked what friends he wants to hang out with? Do you know them?

Original poster
veraismyspiritanimal · 07/10/2020 23:47

@HaggisBurger probably irrational but was my first thought
Either way it feels kind of personal- like I'm boring to him now

OP posts:
Original poster
veraismyspiritanimal · 07/10/2020 23:48

He did cheat 12 years ago

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 08/10/2020 00:10

@veraismyspiritanimal

He did cheat 12 years ago
I was sitting on my hands trying not to type 'cherchez la femme', but cherchez la femme.
donaldtrumpsarmpit · 08/10/2020 00:12

Yup!

Catsup · 08/10/2020 00:25

Well where is he wanting to go, and who with? Is he planning on hanging around outside the pubs which look to be set to close again, with imaginary male friends he doesn't have?

Crinkleypeach · 08/10/2020 00:29

Oh lordy Confused

Crinkleypeach · 08/10/2020 00:30

As my gran would say there is more than meets the eye there......

LilyWater · 08/10/2020 00:32

@veraismyspiritanimal

He doesn't really have any friends and certainly isn't a pop to the pub for a pint type he has always just been happy for us to hang out together so after all this time it just seems a bit weird
To be honest it's quite weird that he doesn't really have any friends and in normal times was content with only your company in the first place! And I say this as an introvert myself. Doesn't sound abnormal at all that he wants to develop male friendships...do you find it abnormal having female friends? Confused

The pandemic and lockdown has given everyone a completely unprecedented opportunity to reflect on the shortness of life amongst other things, so it seems like he's simply realised he needs to make some changes and get some friends for himself that are not just yours and whom he can spend more male time with. Hopefully you won't try to scupper it because you want to jealously keep him all to yourself and maintain the status quo, because that's where the problems will emerge.

LilyWater · 08/10/2020 00:36

@veraismyspiritanimal

He did cheat 12 years ago
Why the annoying drip feed? You said in your OP he was "always perfectly happy" just the two of you but he obviously wasn't if he's cheated in the past!
BubblyBarbara · 08/10/2020 00:41

He wants to spend more time out of the house for some reason, I suspect with his mistress

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