Husband out of character

[veraismyspiritanimal]

I can't quite put my finger on it. Been together 24 years . We have always done everything together or with our mutual friends. He has recently started grumbling though and and saying he wants to hang out with men more and feels stifled
He always seemed perfectly happy just us
Anyone had this before?

Time spent on these boards seems invariably to show that a sudden change in male behaviour (particularly phone use) often indicates an actual or emotional affair. Or the beginnings of one. Not always, but very often. Add to that in this case some previous cheating .... well I can why @veraismyspiritanimal ‘S mind went where it did.

I can understand why she didn’t mention the cheating in the OP - almost to see if the behaviour alone was a little dodgy. But a little more info would help. Has he opportunity to be in contact with women, do you have access to any of his online stuff at all.

Hope it’s not cheating obvs.

One thing you need to make clear is that grumbling to you isn't going to change anything. If he wants to do new things then he's going to have to make the effort and take the initiative to achieve it.

This I think is a really good point. Is he whinging at you, making it out to be your fault? Or is he discussing this with you?

Either way HE needs to do something about it, this isn't your fault or your problem to solve.

Yes, I've had this before. I could have written your posts, OP, apart from the comment about feeling stifled.

In my case the reason was an emotional affair with possibly some physical element, and accompanied by the most extreme lying, deflection, re-directed blaming and gaslighting.

My recommendation to you is to firstly stop and have a deep think about anything else you can think of that seems 'weird'.

Also, I want to say please never think that you're boring. No person would stay with someone for 24 years if the other person was boring. I would like to say that when someone is cheating it is common for the spouse to feel 'lesser' in some way. The main reason for this is that the cheater struggles to live with the cognitive dissonance created by them betraying a committed partner. Thus they will engineer events or comments to 'justify' their actions: commenting that they feel 'stifled' is one such method.

Have you ever listened to Esther Perel? We need a village. It isn't healthy or fulfilling for him to just have you OP. It is perfectly natural to want a network of support. The people who struggle most in older age are those with no friends just a spouse who has died!

The cheating may be relevant and explain the behaviour now, so might Covid and ageing. It may also be a red herring and sadly one of the lasting effects of betrayal trauma. I would talk to him about your worries and go from there. But he isn't wrong to want more than just you as his life (even if you are lovely!)

Lockdown and restrictions has shone a light for all of us on our lives, highlighting areas we want to change and things we are unhappy about as well as things we are grateful for. I think it is perfectly natural to be re-evaluating your life but it is up to him to act on it.

Do not doubt yourself. Previous cheating may not be relevant here apart from the fact that maybe this time he is keen to make improvements in his life that do not involve cheating and are actually positive.

Think I'm going to side with bubbly Barbara on this one!!

This is Red Flag 1 (or n+1 seeing as he has form)
Read 'The Script' and mark off the rest of them.