DHs rage

[Mylittlesandwich]

90% of the time DH is a perfectly normal person. We have our ups and our downs as any couple does but nothing red flag worthy.

Every so often he just sees red and is a different person. For example yesterday I had a busy day. Worked a long shift to bank hours we need for childcare this week. Then when I finished work I had to leave the house pretty much immediately to go and get some food shopping. I had to do this because DH can't drive.

I came home, in a perfectly fine mood. So it's not as if he's reacting to me. DH had been with DS all day but he's a perfectly happy baby. I frequently look after DS for much longer spells than this. DH then decided that the living room was messy. I said I'd give it a quick once over as soon as I'd put the shopping away and he flipped. Started raging about him doing it. That he knew he should be doing it. That I was always nagging him. I stayed perfectly calm and asked him to stop speaking to me like that. He just kept going. Being really sarcastic about not being "happy enough".

He goes off in one of these moods about once or twice a month. When he calms down he always says he's sorry and that he knows he shouldn't speak to me like that but I'm getting so sick of it. DS is now more than able to understand tone and it won't be long before he understands the words used too. I just really want him to get a handle on this.

You could have been writing about my DH, even down to the lost job. The only difference is that my DHs episodes are more of a massive grump than a rage.
He was particularly bad when our children were small and it has got better recently. I still have a constant worry at the back if my mind when it will return though. Triggers for him included:
Lack of sleep.
Loss of control and anxiety about changes.
Me changing in ways he didn't like (eg putting in weight).
Anything that reminded him of his mum and difficult episodes in his childhood.

We talked about it. He did some mindfulness courses. I think this helped but it has taken time. I think he knows now when he feels the stress / anxiety starting to build and can offset it by getting an early night or going out for some exercise, before he boils over. I also recognize when he needs space.
The children also started to repeat things he said which shocked him a bit - not nice to hear a 5 yr old call her sister a "nag" and know exactly where she heard it.

I was shocked when I posted for advice on mumsnet and people piled in telling me to leave him. I am glad we communicated and worked on things because they have improved and look like continuing to do so.

I knew he'd had a traumatic childhood when we married and that this may impact us. I guess that talking about myself may not be useful to you. But just to know that lots of other people are dealing with difficult relationships and finding it hard work, but also that the work can pay off might help.

Encourage him to get help. Support him through that help. See where it leads you.

It's one thing when adults are voluntary participants in an abusive relationship, but quite another when there are children involved, who cannot escape and are totally at the mercy of the adults in their lives, and who stand to be permanently damaged by the abuse they either witness or suffer. There is a lot of minimising on this thread and excusing abuse because - bad childhood blah blah. Abuse is abuse, it doesn't matter why an abuser is abusive, the abuse has the same effect on the victim. It is the responsibility of every parent to protect their children from abusive adults.

I think he should give counselling a chance. And I think he will. We'll speak properly at the weekend when we've actually got more than 10 mins together. I just feel like he deserves a chance.

He could have written a thread about me at the start of this year/end of last. I was a mess. I was so anxious I couldn't sleep so I was tired during the day and not at all rational. I was crying and telling him he had to take the baby because if he stayed with me he would get hurt. I was honestly a car crash and he held it together and he held me together. I only got help quickly because of perinatal mental health. Something which he obviously can't access. The waiting list at our GPs surgery is at least a year, or at least that's what perinatal mental health told me.

I do believe he was a victim of abuse as a child, possibly sexual. He's recently received paperwork which alludes to that but it was never taken to court or anything like that. We need to sit down and have a proper conversation but we just don't have the time right now. I do however understand that if he has no interest in engaging with any kind of therapy or he does and things don't improve then I will need to separate as much as the thought breaks my heart.

I know many of you don't believe me but he is a great dad. He has so much patience for our boy, sometimes more than I do! It's brought out another side to him, he's more vulnerable and I think that might be why he's now open to getting help. He doesn't want to hurt DS, I've explained to him how things I didn't think bothered me were actually a driving force behind the mental health issues I had after giving birth. He can see that I'm doing much better now so I think he's starting to believe that there could be help out there for him too.

If anyone is still around I've told him to buck up or fuck off. We had some more issues today and I'm done. He calls the dr first thing for some immediate help be that medication or whatever which he takes seriously or he packs his bags. I am so done with it. I love him, of course I do but I refuse to be treated like crap.

You realise that being nice for 90% of the time means that he's horrible every tenth day. Is that right?

I'm glad you've given him an ultimatum but you really have to stick to that.

Are you able to speak to his parents about it?

What were the issues yesterday?

... and specifically how will calling his doctor help with what happened today?

For what it's worth, my husband was like this. Really great, then rage out of the blue that he couldn't control. Frequency about once a week. I was on the brink of leaving. He now takes citalopram and it's way much more under control. He had PTSD resulting from a knife attack on him and life long anxiety, which were the factors that led to his behaviour being as it was.

Now on SSRIs, he has had (in the last 4 years) a 3-4 rages where I deal with it by walking away as soon as they happen. I don't engage at all. Last time, me and the child grabbed our stuff and went to an ice cream parlour for example. We joke that if he returns to how he was I will leave in a heartbeat. But I think he knows it's not a joke. While I do honestly believe that it's something he does not have control over (right now the drugs control it for him) I also know that it would not be fair for any family to have to live with the way he was where we were treading on eggshells. I would leave if it was not under control.

"We joke that if he returns to how he was I will leave in a heartbeat. But I think he knows it's not a joke."

Hmm, surely if "the child" has to grab his things and run away to comfort eat ice cream you'd make sure he actually knows it's not a joke. Stop kidding yourself.

OP - you were going to speak over the weekend. What happened? You need to stop with the "he's a great dad" stuff. It's clouding your judgement

Yes, we did speak over the weekend. Turns out he's already referred himself at the doctors and a while ago so he should hear from them soon. So the conversation was pretty positive. He wants some coping strategies so he doesn't take his anger out on me.

Yesterday was stressful, DS took a tumble and banged his head. We had to go to A&E. DH blamed himself entirely and lost the plot. I basically ignored him and got sorted to go to A&E. He got himself into a right state over if he should come or not (because only one of us is allowed in with him anyway). When we got home he decided he was a useless parent anyway and DS would be better off without him.

He's just not the man he used to be and I know he needs help. I do think he's also depressed but if he won't get help I can't keep trying to fix him.

His issues seem to be triggered by insecurity rather than for example, what he perceives as your behaviour. However, that does not excuse it. Telling him to sort it or leave is absolutely the right thing to do. I laid that ultimatum down to DH before we got married and the counselling he received was life changing. Interestingly, a few years later he seemed to be starting to relapse so I told him again that the needed to deal with it or me and the kids would be gone. As it turned out, that was the best thing I could have done because in therapy he realised there was an issue with his family the the wasn't dealing with which was causing all this stress and anger. Since then, we have had no problems.

Issues with anger etc CAN be resolved. But they can't be resolved unless the person is willing to do the work. And if he's not willing, then you can't be with him, no matter how much you love him and he loves you.

OP, abusers do not abuse constantly. Abuse is a cycle.
He may be at the start of a lifetime of abusing you. He may just be a bit of a prick. Either way HE needs to address this.
The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

DS took a tumble and banged his head. We had to go to A&E. DH blamed himself entirely and lost the plot. I basically ignored him and got sorted to go to A&E. He got himself into a right state over if he should come or not (because only one of us is allowed in with him anyway). When we got home he decided he was a useless parent anyway and DS would be better off without him.

So, not a competent father either, so you can take ‘great dad’ off the list of his good points. Now what are you left with?

Why did he say it was his fault? What caused the accident?

Yes, stop trying to fix him. He likely expects you to do the woman thing of taking care of his emotional needs. Maybe you did that before you had a baby. Cut off the supply of you shouldering his emotions. He has to get his head round you not being his saviour or teddy bear any more. It is all on him so he had better get on with it.

The fall genuinely wasn't his fault. I was in the room. DH was holding DS and he lunged for the cat. He fell out of his arms. He tried to grab him in mid-air but didn't manage. I flew from the other side of the room and I didn't get him either. It's been over 24 hours and DS is absolutely fine. DH has his faults but that could have happened to anyone.

He called the drs today, they couldn't fit him in. He's to call in the morning, every morning, until they can. He's going to do that.

Did you have to tell him to call every morning or did he make that plan himself?

Your excusing his behaviour all the time. Your BABY didnt take a tumble. Your abusive dh dropped him. If you honestly thought he wanst at fault, you wouldnt have lied about how he was injured.

The fall sounds like an accident. Mine nearly throw themselves out of my arms all the time and we don’t have a distracting cat.
He seems quite probably traumatised by his early childhood, which doesn’t make it the ops fault of course but it is quite different from a straight out abusive man who won’t change.

I didn't lie! He fell! This place is vile sometimes. My husband accidentally dropped the baby. He feels awful about it. I told the hospital exactly what happened and they don't think anyone was at fault. I didn't mention it because I knew people would jump on it and I'm actually here to get some help. People make mistakes.

I don't expect I'll be back onto this thread though as I know how it goes next. I'm a neglectful parent who should make sure DS is as far away from my husband as possible. We're both failing him etc etc. We should have him taken away. If you knew who I was you would be calling social serviced.

I was in the room it was an honest mistake.

Yes he made the plan to call back every morning, all I did was ask him how he'd got on.

OP, I hope your DH gets help and things work out for you.

I share my experience because maybe it could be similar. Although I had a PP tell me I was kidding myself by sticking with my husband, we went from frequent outbursts to almost never as a result of prescription drugs. There has never been any physical violence and I have never been afraid. It was always just a rant, sometimes with a touch of paranoia. I can live with one rant a year (which seems to be decreasing over time too) as everything else is good. Late last year I was diagnosed with cancer. He's been fantastic through that so I'm glad that he is around, it's been well over a year since the last outburst. This is someone I've known for 20 years, in sickness and in health etc.

Life is complicated, no-one is perfect. Only you can judge the situation you are in. Counselling can help you as can an unbiased view from someone else. These boards can be good in helping you weigh things up, but you can also get a wall of LTB without context. I am definitely not saying stand by your man here, but I am an example of someone who did stick it out and it got better.

I agree with@SpaceOP - he has to want to change.

One last update to say thank you to everyone. Both the people that said leave and the ones that didn't. It helped me see that this isn't normal or acceptable and that if this is the way things are then I'd have no choice. DH has now lost his job (unrelated to him the business had to close). That obviously impacts is all.

Rather then react as he usually did he doubled his attempts to get in touch with the GP. They eventually had a call which from what he said was hard for him but he told her the truth. He's been taking medication now for a couple of weeks. They've also told him he's really near the top of the list for psychiatry.

I had a heart to heart with my mum, my own father was abusive but in different ways. She said the main thing that hurt her (and us) was that he didn't want to get any help. He took out how he felt on his family and didn't care about the impact that had. So I've decided I'm giving him this chance to take things seriously. This is his only chance. So far so good but the second he slips back his bags are packed. Me and my son will stay in the house that I bought for our family.

God knows I love my husband but I need to protect my son. I haven't always done that I know. I've had plenty of my own struggles with becoming a mother and at times I've ballsed it up. But I just have to do the best I can. Every day.

That's good.

He has his thing to remember and you have drawn up your immovable battle line.

Best of luck to him getting himself properly sorted.

And to you too, no matter what he manages to do.

That sounds really positive OP. I hope it works out for you.

Well done for talking to your mother and admitting to yourself how serious this all is.

You can't fix anyone but yourself.

It is in your husband's hands now.

Your son needs one parent to put its needs and safety ahead of all else.

That has to be you.