DHs rage

[Mylittlesandwich]

90% of the time DH is a perfectly normal person. We have our ups and our downs as any couple does but nothing red flag worthy.

Every so often he just sees red and is a different person. For example yesterday I had a busy day. Worked a long shift to bank hours we need for childcare this week. Then when I finished work I had to leave the house pretty much immediately to go and get some food shopping. I had to do this because DH can't drive.

I came home, in a perfectly fine mood. So it's not as if he's reacting to me. DH had been with DS all day but he's a perfectly happy baby. I frequently look after DS for much longer spells than this. DH then decided that the living room was messy. I said I'd give it a quick once over as soon as I'd put the shopping away and he flipped. Started raging about him doing it. That he knew he should be doing it. That I was always nagging him. I stayed perfectly calm and asked him to stop speaking to me like that. He just kept going. Being really sarcastic about not being "happy enough".

He goes off in one of these moods about once or twice a month. When he calms down he always says he's sorry and that he knows he shouldn't speak to me like that but I'm getting so sick of it. DS is now more than able to understand tone and it won't be long before he understands the words used too. I just really want him to get a handle on this.

I'd suggest to him that therapy may help. You need to talk to him when he's not in a rage and tell him these outbursts occur too often and you're concerned about DS thinking this is normal...as well as the fact that it's not acceptable to you.

You need to get through to him that you're worried about the future of your marriage, if he doesn't get help.

Therapy really needed here. He needs education and coaching to develop better coping skills.

He was adopted late quite late op. He will have carried a lot of really sad and horrible memories around in his body, and it will have affected him deeply. Rage issues, flying into temper, etc these aren't uncommon in adults brought up in chaotic, violent homes, even when they don't remember the environment. Attachment patterns and ability to self soothe, those things are established by age 2 tbh. If he doesn't break this cycle, your ds will carry the same scars around.

Therapy, where he drives it and really commits to it, is sort of his only option I think.

You seem to think he got it before and you were wrong then. Talking to him ultimately is a waste of time because he still refuses to take any responsibility for his actions. His apologies then and now are meaningless and there will be a next time.

He could also lose you too for losing his temper ultimately.

You are also seemingly falling into the sunken costs fallacy trap (your post talks about not wanting to throw the towel in and being together now for 10 years)and that causes people to keep on making poor relationships decisions. What you forget here is that the damage has already been done. People too get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.

My ex was like this. In this kind of relationship we tend to focus on the positive and ignore the abuse because it's not all the time. We make excuses for them. The abuse did escalate and after we split I only saw the nasty man. Nearly four years on he's still fighting me for custody, I'm now suffering post separation DV.

I didn't think I needed to mention that losing his job was not a positive. That seemed like a given.

I agree, therapy is probably the only way he and therefore we will get past this. He's also had a lot going on in his life. He got in touch with his birth mother for the first time and the relationship is rocky as you might imagine. I don't want to make excuses for him but I also want to support him. It's the line between supportive and doormat that I'm finding it difficult to draw.

We're both working weird shifts this week because DS has to isolate so I'll talk to him at the weekend about therapy and see if it's something he would be interested in. If not then I guess I know where that leaves us.

Describing him as Jekyll and Hyde is a huge red flag for me. He shouldn't react like this to you at all. Would you drink a drink with only 10% poison in it? No you wouldn't yet you're in a poisonous relationship

How on earth can you describe that as not red flag worthy?! It is text book red flag behaviour.

The not red flag worthy was in reference to his "normal" behaviour. I know that the other behaviour is an issue. I think the main reason I'm still here is that our relationship has been good for years. If this could be sorted and we could go back to the way things were I'd be so happy. In lots of ways he's my best friend but I know this can't go on. He either gets help or he goes.

But The normal behaviour is part of the Cycle of abuse. You cannot look at it separately. You need to understand the times when he is being normal in between the rages is part of thia

www.peacefoundations.org/cycle-of-domestic-violence/#sthash.wsHelyEW.dpbs

I feel a bit sorryfor your DH op sounds like a response to childhood trauma and something triggering him. He may not be aware of the triggers or it might be something small and hes ashamed of it.
"The body keeps the score" is good on trauma and trauma responses.
If he is serious about fixing it he needs therapy from a specialist to help, you shouldn't have to live like this. But equally if he is traumatised he can't necessarily help his response at the moment (but he can take responsibility and get support and treatment to help).
I wouldn't be leaving over this personally, it just sounds hard for all of you

You can't cut his behaviour up into sections. When I referred to how you spoke about him losing his job I meant you're using that to put a positive spin on his abuse. Eg.

He flies into a terrifying rage that I have to block out in front of our baby. That said, he's really great with changing nappies once he's calmed down.

He really flies off the handle at me, screaming and shouting and accusing me of things I haven't done. It just comes out of nowhere. That said, it can't just be aimed at me, he once did it at work and lost his job. Yes, it must be more deep seated and have more meaning to it than him simply being "abusive".

He flies into an awful rage, his shouting is scaring our baby and I'm scared and upset. I don't know what to do, it's so much of a problem that I think I need help with it. Mind you, he's only like that around 3/4 days out of each month, 90% of the time. Me and my son only have to feel scared, confused and upset for around 40 days of the year. The rest of the time he's nice, friendly, he'll do a night feed even! I've heard of men that won't even do that. Yes, he's lovely. My best friend. I should cut him some slack, after all, he's had some trauma in his life.....

(And so the cycle goes on - in 30 years time your DIL will be writing the same thanks to her abusive FIL)

Just thinking out loud - my husband is an absolute dick when he's hungry. I know a couple of people who said they or their partner got extremely angry when hungry and it turned out to be diabetes so maybe that's worth checking?
My husband isn't diabetic just seems more sensitive than normal to low blood sugar. Then I bat it back to him - as an adult he can manage his own meals and snacks.

My DH is the same. Childhood trauma. Hallmarks of Borderline Personality Disorder. Undiagnosed, but I’d like him to get help.
There has been a few bad episodes since our baby bot came along. Honestly, copying with newborn is easier than dealing with DH at times...
I don’t want my son to grow up with it, or be treated the way I am when DH switches into this mode. It is Jeckyl & Hyde. He loves the baby & is great with him, very hands-on.
You have my sympathies, OP. It’s not uncommon. People are damaged. That said, if it happens to my son, I’ll divorce no problem. It’s a tough one.

Thanks, PamDemic. You are right.
I need to consider my future with DH, now we have a child. It’s sad but true.

Its really hard. I think there is a difference between rage caused by being abusive and rage caused by trauma response/triggering.
Noone needs to put up with that from their partner but as schmooby says, some people are damaged. That isn't their fault - its how their brains adapted to deal with a traumatic childhood.
For me personally if there were clear indications of childhood trauma (e.g. adopted,came from an abusive home etc), if my partner was recognising the patterns and taking steps to change, and if the anger wasn't about trying to control me or change what I do, I'd stay.

Suggest you read up about complex ptsd
www.nhs.uk/conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/symptoms/
There is a difference between anger from someone to control their partner, and anger relating to hypervigilance/oversensitive "threat" detector.
I'm not saying it isn't damaging to the people around it. I'm saying the cause is different and so its more likely to be treatable.

I read that people opening up about child sex abuse - possibly due to having emotional issues, mental health issues, were often in their late 50s - so had suppressed things for decades, it was the situation for me. I've no idea why things suddenly become unbearable at that age.
However I think that something may have triggered DH, such as his DBM appearing.
But because of the distress examining childhood events can cause it can seem easier to try to continue to ignore the issues/ pretend you've dealt with them. Until the pretence no longer works.
If DH could do some exploratory counselling initially to see if he thinks it might help, and to overcome the denial that he might actually need help - rather than just pushing him to go to 'fix' his anger - it might help him a lot. But it isn't a quick fix . I hope he gives it a go.

One of the biggest triggers for my adopted daughter is shame. She’s 21, and this seems to have become more of an issue as she’s got older. Your DH needs some help to understand that something like you saying you’ll do the tidying up isn’t a reflection on his abilities. Shame is a very powerful emotion, and can become overwhelming. I’m not condoning his outbursts, I’m just saying that this isn’t something which can be dealt with by piling on more shame. I hope you manage to get him some therapy to unpick the trauma in his early years.

One persons mental health does not trump their partners. I have bipolar and realising this helped me get counselling, treatment, medication and coping mechanisms that mean I'm now in a healthy happy relationship as well as friendships / family / work relationships too. Whether his rage is caused by serious mental health issues or 'just' a lack of self control, that doesn't give him the right to subject his wife to them without her having the right to say she can't do endure it and won't tolerate it. He can work through it as a single person just as much as he can as a married person. Again, one partners mental wellness does not override the other partners mental wellness. In fact, the experience of living with someone with such rage causes trauma for their partner. Who in turn can have mental health issues as a result... and so the cycle goes on and on. OP has every right to not expose herself and her family to this rage.