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Original poster

Do I consider letting him meet the kids?

49 replies

DilemmaDerby · 06/10/2020 20:16

NC.

I’ve been separated from Ex DH for 6 years, he’s useless in terms of consistent contact. It’s Covid so parental childcare is not happening which leaves me only a sporadic weekend when another relative would do an evening, or paid limited hrs childcare. That’s the background.

I have been seeing someone for 8 monthish. Granted lockdown meant that time period was phone calls but we get on well, have no major red flags. Bit of a patchy youth but seems solid now and not defending that.

I have had to cancel last two opportunities to meet on the basis of the kids meaning we have gone from days away, overnights once a week to a 3 week stretch of not seeing one another. He hasn’t any kids, has relatives he’s great with, he has spoken of mine warmly and to them a couple of times as a friend on the phone (like when I’m driving on Bluetooth).

He ended it last week. He didn’t want to but can’t see how he can offer me, or I can offer him the time we deserve to build this with our lives the way they are. He wants something he can just pop round for coffee or an evening around his work.

I have always made clear by actions not words that my kids are separate, my home life is separate. I have never introduced anyone to them.

My friends now think that this is the first person I’ve genuinely seemed fond of, and I should extend the option of reconsidering and allowing the time by opening my home for visits when the children are here. I actually want that future. I have a really happy open door policy to friends and family and want that style of life. My brother has met him in the pub and likes him.

So that’s my question as I am on the fence. If it doesn’t work (it might not he may want his own someday), is that bad? Or am I teaching (as my friends say) my kids that there is no life for mum after dad and it’s fine and healthy to do.

I’m also scared he’ll think I’m a horrible person and reject the offer anyway.

So there it is, all opinions welcome because I either consider it for him, or not him and someone in the future. Or I resign myself to never building anything realistically for another 10 years when they are grown.

OP posts:
Original poster
DilemmaDerby · 06/10/2020 20:19

Also he has won massive brownie points by not once pushing my boundaries to suggest meeting them (I told him I dumped the last guy who did). And choosing to end it instead without ever even mentioning it.

OP posts:
nolovelost · 06/10/2020 20:23

I would leave it a little longer, decide when you're ready, as it's not been long. If he likes you he'll be happy to keep things seperate. And get your ex to step up with the arrangements. You can't really expect your kids to adjust to someone if you haven't yet.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 06/10/2020 20:24

You set this boundary for a reason, and I wonder what that reason was? If it's because you genuinely feel that 8 months is too soon to start enmeshing your life then you must have had a reason for that and (honestly) I think you should stick to it. A boundary isn't much of a boundary if you let someone push it over.

I get that it's really hard though Thanks and I'm sorry you're hurting.

londonscalling · 06/10/2020 20:27

How old are the children? Their age could make a difference as to your next step forward ...

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2020 20:27

You barely know him, and the time you spent talking over lockdown just doesn't count. I wouldn't let him meet your children.

Original poster
DilemmaDerby · 06/10/2020 20:30

The boundary isn’t an express one, he doesn’t know it. In my own head I’ve always just had dating separate to kids. But I guess that isn’t realistic if I’ve now reached the stage I’m considering it.

The previous guy was an instant no, just made me realise he absolutely wasn’t someone I wanted near them.

This is me thinking that I can be ok with him and with that.

Absolutely not enmeshing lives, I don’t want to live with someone, just a little more open when it’s needful.

OP posts:
Original poster
DilemmaDerby · 06/10/2020 20:30

They are between 7 and 11

OP posts:
Original poster
DilemmaDerby · 06/10/2020 20:31

Ex won’t step up though unless I block access and force him into an arrangement which I’m loathe to do as he will use it to hurt the kids.

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 06/10/2020 20:31

Sorry but it sounds to me like he's being a little manipulative here. By saying you can't spend enough time together is pretty much saying its because of your kids (without saying it). He'll now be hoping he has forced your hand and you will now offer for him to meet them. If he liked you that much he would wait.,

Original poster
DilemmaDerby · 06/10/2020 20:32

Ex is a cunt. And I save that word for special occasions

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 06/10/2020 20:34

Mumsnet seems to have rigid rules on this. They're not little kids, how would they react to him if it was low key in front of them, how would they be if he stopped coming around etc. The fact you're considering it, does that mean he's more serious than others

Dozer · 06/10/2020 20:36

I think it was sensible of you not to introduce him, and that you should stick with your boundary. You didn’t date for long at all before Covid so don’t know him well.

Having limited childcare and your ex being shit are indeed disadvantages when it comes to dating (and other things!) So it’s natural you’re reflecting on that. But that’s not good reason to introduce new people early on.

Original poster
DilemmaDerby · 06/10/2020 20:37

I don’t think he’s being manipulative and believe me I’m red flag extremist! I think he means it, he wrestled with it a bit and it is definitely over. He isn’t waiting me out.

I think the kids would like him, he’s a clown and quite kind.

Fuck I don’t know. Maybe I just need to hope I meet someone else I care for that has their own kids and little time too. I have dated a bit and can’t think of one that I’d bring home.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 06/10/2020 20:40

He's basically ending it as you're not available enough for a shag as he wants.

Original poster
DilemmaDerby · 06/10/2020 20:43

Not the case, we spent a whole weekend together the first time we met and didn’t have sex. He’s been over when I’m on and knew we can’t. Though actually we did as I’ve got a ridiculous sex drive and started it Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
DilemmaDerby · 06/10/2020 20:43

Although what do I know. Maybe. God maybe I just let it go, accept I either just shag people or stay single.

OP posts:
category12 · 06/10/2020 20:45

Of course he knows it was a boundary if you told him you dumped the last guy for pushing to meet your kids.

I don't think you should ditch a perfectly good boundary - it's in place for this very reason, to weed out blokes that don't work for you and your family situation.

You haven't got 8 months of a relationship either, lockdown has bitten a big hole out of that, phone calls or not.

Original poster
DilemmaDerby · 06/10/2020 20:49

True.

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 06/10/2020 20:51

I think it's a bit weak that he's ended it tbh

He could have talked to you about it, tried to get some middle ground or whatever. Instead he's cut and run.

I don't think you should chase after him or offer him anything. I'd be questioning why he's done this instead of behaving like an adult.

WatieKatie · 06/10/2020 20:56

A slightly different take on things OP. I’m divorced with 1 DC (8yrs) who my ex husband barely sees (his choice). I’ve dated over the last three years but never wanted to introduce anyone to DC.

My OH and I have been together 18m, he has a severely disabled DC so seeing one another without either child is difficult however we get on extremely well and accept that is how things are currently. We do go sometimes up to a month without seeing one another because of issues around working long hours & childcare. However we speak throughout the day and FaceTime every night. Although it is less than ideal we agree that we like each other a lot and will do what we can to make it work.

That said, perhaps with him not having children it’s less easy to understand. Could you find a local babysitter for the odd night out?

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 06/10/2020 21:01

@anotherdisaster

Sorry but it sounds to me like he's being a little manipulative here. By saying you can't spend enough time together is pretty much saying its because of your kids (without saying it). He'll now be hoping he has forced your hand and you will now offer for him to meet them. If he liked you that much he would wait.,
This.

If he was emotionally healthy and mature he would talk to you. Instead he is playing chicken with you, basically - throwing out a kind of wordless ultimatum.

Absolutely no way in hell would I let this guy get mixed up with my kids.

ProfessorInkling · 06/10/2020 21:03

Did he end it on the basis that you don't want someone to meet your kids? If so.. that's kind of fair enough isn't it?

How much do you like him?

MN can be weird on this stuff. It's hard, there are many variables. I met my BFs DC after six months, low key. I waited that long to even tell them I was seeing anyone, and another six before they met. Their circumstances were different to his DC and it felt right at both times.

Could he come over and watch a film with you in the evening? So, say hi to the kids before they go to bed? But not stay, until they've met him similarly a few times?

But is this what you actually want?

When I was just dating, I was very strongly boundaried. Then I fell in love, and I want to be with my BF in the long term, and we are making plans for a future, though some of it more longer term than other parts. What do you want?

ProfessorInkling · 06/10/2020 21:05

Separate to that, it's crap for you and DC that they only have occasional contact with their dad and I would address this for it's own sake, outside of the situation you discuss here.

Rgy3250999 · 06/10/2020 21:13

I disagree with the others. If you imagine the role being reversed, plenty of people would be telling a woman to move on and find someone single and without children.

You can get on well and enjoy each other’s company but feel you’re not getting what you want from the relationship due to other factors. I don’t think he’s blaming the kids for this but saying that if the situation was different, you would be together but it can’t work as it is.

Ultimately it’s your choice whether you invite him round and you know him better than we do. Could you perhaps meet him at the park or somewhere to start with so your kids can play and you can have a bit of time together? Maybe a trampoline park or something similar where you get an hour together and they catch sight of him but aren’t pushed together. If you started it as something that happens occasionally and then built it up slowly, I don’t think that is unreasonable.

Have you met his family and friends? Sometimes you can get an idea of a person that way. I wouldn’t invite him to meet your kids if you haven’t met his family first.

Murr2020 · 06/10/2020 21:18

It’s a really difficult one. I was on the other side of this when I met DP. He had DC and had them almost every weekend. We both worked shifts during the week and it was almost impossible to get any “proper” time together. I thought about ending it as I didn’t feel it could work out or progress, and part of it was I knew I liked him and didn’t want to get hurt wishing for more all the time.

In the end I met DC after about 6 months - however this was only outdoors, at the park, going for lunch etc (but it meant we could spend time together at the weekend). We eased in gradually, the kids were younger so maybe it was slightly easier. I didn’t see them at his house for a while longer. Maybe you could try that if you’re going to go ahead? Means you can be sure he’s not just after a shag all the time!

We’re now happily married with children of our own so it worked out ok. If we were to separate though, I’d have the same anxieties as you about another man meeting my kids!