Do I consider letting him meet the kids?

[DilemmaDerby]

NC.

I’ve been separated from Ex DH for 6 years, he’s useless in terms of consistent contact. It’s Covid so parental childcare is not happening which leaves me only a sporadic weekend when another relative would do an evening, or paid limited hrs childcare. That’s the background.

I have been seeing someone for 8 monthish. Granted lockdown meant that time period was phone calls but we get on well, have no major red flags. Bit of a patchy youth but seems solid now and not defending that.

I have had to cancel last two opportunities to meet on the basis of the kids meaning we have gone from days away, overnights once a week to a 3 week stretch of not seeing one another. He hasn’t any kids, has relatives he’s great with, he has spoken of mine warmly and to them a couple of times as a friend on the phone (like when I’m driving on Bluetooth).

He ended it last week. He didn’t want to but can’t see how he can offer me, or I can offer him the time we deserve to build this with our lives the way they are. He wants something he can just pop round for coffee or an evening around his work.

I have always made clear by actions not words that my kids are separate, my home life is separate. I have never introduced anyone to them.

My friends now think that this is the first person I’ve genuinely seemed fond of, and I should extend the option of reconsidering and allowing the time by opening my home for visits when the children are here. I actually want that future. I have a really happy open door policy to friends and family and want that style of life. My brother has met him in the pub and likes him.

So that’s my question as I am on the fence. If it doesn’t work (it might not he may want his own someday), is that bad? Or am I teaching (as my friends say) my kids that there is no life for mum after dad and it’s fine and healthy to do.

I’m also scared he’ll think I’m a horrible person and reject the offer anyway.

So there it is, all opinions welcome because I either consider it for him, or not him and someone in the future. Or I resign myself to never building anything realistically for another 10 years when they are grown.

I was in a similar situation to you. I was a single parent to 4 and had no one to look after the kids much, their dad stopped having them too and by that point I had been seeing someone for a few months and things were going so well. I didn't introduce my kids to him, however I did have him over in the evenings when they were in bed, it was a while before they actually met. I did know him before so knew he was safe to be around my kids, so that's what I did and it's a year later now and he gets on with my kids well and about to move in.
No one can tell you what you should do, but could he come over when the kids are in bed? And if the kids happen to see him he's just a friend? I made sure my kids didn't see us kiss or cuddle for a while, so to them it was just like I was having a friend over.

He didn’t end it on that basis no, it was me that said “it’s the kids”, he actually said it was just the complications of life, my busy job, his busy job. He hasn’t dated anyone with young children before and said he hasn’t realised the complexities it brings.

It’s me wondering, he’s been very clear. He may not even like the idea I have no clue.

PP may be right that he could have talked about the issue rather than just ending it I guess.

Pointless discussing it if he’d already made up his mind to end the relationship, though.

Perhaps he would’ve come to a similar conclusion at some point, without covid restrictions, and it’s just saved you some wasted time.

It’s too early to introduce them but sound like you’re not compatible anyway. If he’s ended it now it would have been for more than the reason he gave. Let him go. If he has no kids of his own perhaps it was just you he wanted.

It’s a lot for a childfree person to take on someone else’s kids no matter how warmly he spoke to/of them.

All valid points. Feels shit and pointless though. I don’t want to hook up but there seems no other option.

How long is enough?

If this was a woman who said her BF of 8 months doesn't have much time for her because of his kids and plans get cancelled due to childcare falling through...ppl would tell her to end it. I certainly would end the relationship, so I don't see anything wrong in what he's done.

So why is he now being called manipulative and accused of pushing boundaries?

It's not working for him and he's given an explanation of why he's ended.

OP...if you didn't feel it was right to introduce your kids to him, that's absolutely fine...but he's not immature or weak as pp have suggested.

I don't see why he should have discussed it, because it would seem like he wants you to change...but your lifestyle is what it is...so ending on that basis was the right thing to do.

If I'm in a relationship, I take the person as I see them...it's not for me to get in the way if their busy job...their kids and everything else...it makes more sense to remove myself from the situation.

I would say to a woman with no kids...that she could do without the hassle of a relationship with a man with kids....other pp regularly say he's got more baggage than terminal 5 at Heathrow Airport.

I think you should make a go of it. Invite him around Life to to short. Xx

You've found a guy willing to put up with your kids that is a rare breed in its self, he doesn't mind being stitched up last minute due to your kids and still wants to see you and by sounds of it you like him, you would be pritty silly to let him go, will be difficult finding someone else to put up with the situation that you are in. Sorry to sound harsh but that is just the way it is.
If he was my mate I'd be telling him to move on and find someone who doesn't allready have kids due to the complications short and long term.

Lockdown sort of doesn't count IMO, so you've barely started your relationship and he's ended it because you can't give each other the kind of time he wants and your lives are not compatible. He's been honest about that and you introducing your kids to him to sort of persuade him to get back with you feels like a last ditch attempt to force things forward. It's a shame but you aren't compatible. And he hasn't just said it's because you're busy, he's said he is busy too so I think he's trying to let you down gently. It's time to move on IMO.

I don't understand why some posters are being so critical of this guy, calling him manipulative etc. He's decided that having a relationship with a woman he can go several weeks without seeing isn't what he wants so he's ended it. It's as if some posters think only women have the right to end a relationship.

Interesting to see the last few posts turn. I don’t think he’s manipulative I think he’s made a conscious and mature decision.

I’m definitely not trying to use the kids to persuade him back in though, that’s a bit harsh! If it’s done it’s done, I’m just wondering or I will be in this position forever (Ok not forever) whoever it is if I delineate so completely between dating and home.

I'm in a similar position to the person you've been seeing. I've been seeing someone 6ish months, we bubbled so have seen each other through covid. He's very lovely and I've fallen for him. But, 6 months in and I'm beginning to feel like I can't ever see this going anywhere because we have so little time together.

He has met my kids (circumstantially, through his work and some of my friends, so there was no big introduction) so he does come round here, but between work and his kid we very rarely get time together other than the odd evening when my kids have gone to bed. His annual leave is all used up on kid stuff, I don't think we have any plans to see each other over Christmas, he's got various commitments next year that means I don't fit into his annual leave plans (not his fault exactly, lots of stuff rearranged from this year) but I do also think do I really want to trundle along forever just having the odd sofa date? I have my own kids so I do understand, but that doesn't mean it's the kind of relationship I want having to fit any feelings into 2 hours a week when I see him, and am thinking of breaking it off with him. Not saying you're wrong if you choose not to introduce him to the kids, just a perspective on why he might be feeling like that.

Wayyy to early op and you know it

Need thank you for that perspective.

For those of you saying too early, how do you measure an acceptable time?

I’ve woken this morning deciding against by the way. He’s done nothing wrong but I don’t want to be seen as using the kids as a lever that’s been playing on my mind now! It hasn’t worked so letting it go.

I think that's a shame OP and he did nothing wrong. He sounds really respectful tbh.

I introduced my DCs when I had been with DP for 8 months, similar ages to yours. We knew we wanted a future together and he knew that me having kids were part of that. We also wanted the sort of relationship where he could come around when they were home etc.

I think he was open and honest and a rare find in the dating pool. This is MN, you will never get a completely balanced view as men = wrong a lot of the time on here no matter what they do.

I think it's healthy for children to know that they are not the only thing in an adult's life and solely dedicating a life to children will leave someone empty when they have grown up and moved on. I like the fact I get to not just be mum and my kids see that different side to me, which is perfectly healthy.

Obviously I wouldn't advocate introducing a string of men or someone you weren't sure about, like the last one but I do think you've let a good one go.

DilemmaDerby
Why on EARTH did you ask this question on here ? Do you not know the 'rules' of MN. It seems not. I will explain.

1. A man is NEVER reasonable.
2. A single parent should be just that. Until the dc are AT LEAST 25 and only then may you consider dating. However never allowed to bring him home if your adult kids don't concur.
3. If you are asking this question at 4 months.. then the answer is at least 8 months. If you have been together a year - then the answer is 2. This is because of point...
4. All men are dangerous and abusive to one or other degree and will bring nothing but misery to you and/or your DC.
5. If you believe that you have met a decent bloke this is because your 'spidey senses' are not working properly.. you are simply wrong. No man can join a woman and her children and have a happy respectful relationship. Just stop expecting this. !
6. The negativity towards any woman with children dating and introducing man to kids has got NOTHING to do with the number of single parents on here who are angry, scared, bitter, or abused projecting their own circumstances on to you... noooo honestly no .. that's not a thing..

Personally I say bollocks to the rules. You get one life. Finding a decent bloke is bloody hard. He must be quite decent if you've spent 8 months talking to him/seeing him. Too right I would be pissed off at being kept at arms length. When there is no reason. and no clear pathway forward.

Give him a call. Set up a low key meet up in the park at a cafe etc etc and go from there. Take it slow and for god sake down listen to all the nonsense. Caution is wise - but not to the extent that you screw up your own life and possibilities ..

Can’t you introduce him as a friend. That’s what I did with my boyfriend. He had to be here sometimes when my DD was so he was “mummy’s friend”. We’ve been together 18 months now and he’s recently been upgraded to mummy’s boyfriend. My ex is no longer seeing DD so our contact is hugely reduced. He still doesn’t stay overnight when she’s here but we have done a bit of fooling around on the sofa when she’s asleep.

However I’d have to think about introducing him now. It would depend on his real reasons for dumping you!

I would meet family and friends and if all good then let him meet the kids. I know if my parents divorced I would want them to be happy in another relationship. I think things are more fun as a family even if that includes step parents. No reason you can’t have a life aswell. If I was him I’d probably do the same thing and back off if you didn’t seem to want the same thing.

I think it's too soon but I was really conscious with my ds so probably went longer than I needed to

However

On top of the emotional considerations, bear in mind that once you introduce kids, you tend to lose the ' dating' time. At the moment, it's exciting and just couple time. Once the kids are there, it's easier for the effort and excitement to go out the window, so make the most of dating for a while.
Also, if you introduce them, there's a natural split in your attention. Even if he's the most understanding chap in the world, your attention will even slightly be with divided.

Finally, it tells you a lot about the bloke on how they act with this scenario. It'll show how understanding he will be if anight outs can elled cos a child's sick, or how he will be if a child's had A bad day and upset and just wants to have cuddles and cling to their mam. If he understands all that, he's a keeper. This chap, seems a bit less so.
Take your time, this is not the only fella in the world, and there are people out there that get it. It's not all doom and gloom

Introduce him as a friend, if you have open door policy with friends, kids wouldn’t even bat an eye or let him come after kids are in bed. I wouldn’t introduce him as boyfriend yet...

IME as a single mother whos spent the last 13 years dating on and off, it will rarely work with someone who's not got kids themselves. They just don't get it, they get fed up of just seeing you when you're free, they become too demanding of your time. They are less understanding, that's not to say that they don't try, as he has, but it gets to them or it gets to you. Plus if he wants kids in the future and you don't, is there really any point in progressing it further?

Some good advice on here thank you. He doesn’t want kids but you’re right that he won’t “get” it.

I’ve decided to just feel sad and move on, but also to be more open to the idea in the future.

@MynamarisBurma this had me laughing so hard - it is SO true! My kids met my date early on because he works at a place we go to regularly and they know him as my friend. They have also met his kid early on because we bumped into them when we were with some of our friends so all the kids played together. In MN terms that's a cardinal sin.

On the flip side our school run is full of kids calling people dad who aren't their dad. They're 4 years old so these men can't have been on the scene that long.

People have some fairly extreme views and I rarely meet people who have what I would consider 'normal' views on it. I don't have an issue at all really with my kids meeting a friend early on, it's no different to any other male friend (or female). No matter how long we've been together the kids won't be calling him dad. Man is a funny place! And don't even get me started on the single mums fb groups where they're angry that the 'OW' is meeting the kids. Usually when they've been together for ages and she wasn't the OW at all.

I think your decision to feel sad and move on is probably the right one...
If I understand rightly he didn’t actually say it was because of the kids anyway... we