Feeling guilty about sleeping with someone else

[CaramelCrem]

I’ve been seeing a lovely man for a short while. 6 weeks to be precise. Things are developing to the point where I am having strong feelings for him.

Between our first and second date though, I slept with an old FWB. As soon as I realised this new man was special though I ended with FWB.

But now I am feeling terrible guilt and that I may have spoilt things with new man. I don’t think I can ever tell him yet I feel so sad that there is now this secret between us forever.

What should I do? Tell him and risk the relationship or keep it buried forever eating me up inside?

Were you just seeing each other or dating exclusively? If the former, I don't think you've done anything wrong TBH.

If you weren't exclusive you've done nothing wrong. There is no point in telling him.

We haven’t even yet had the exclusive chat but I expect we both assume we are not sleeping with other people

I don't think you have done anything wrong either, unless you've had the exclusivity chat then you are both free to do whatever you want.

What if he asks me?

Don't tell him! And don't feel guilty fgs
He shouldn't ask you - he's got no right to know

You’ve known him 6 weeks you’re not beholding to him nor is he entitled to ask details of your private life, ffs you’d been in one date, stop being so serious!
No wonder MN is full of angst ridden relationship threads with this level of overthinking.

I would try and forget about it as it was so early on and before you realised the significance of the new relationship.

I kissed two guys the night of my 21st birthday. One ended up being my husband! Unfortunately, he found out about the other guy I had kissed and was really upset for quite a while. I wish he had never known.

Did he get over it Lisa?

I was on the other side of this, I unfortunately found out ages later by complete accident and I felt hurt even though he had officially done nothing wrong.

I wish I didn't know. If he won't find out don't tell him and forget about it. If he asks or could find out tell him but don't apologize, just say it's a shame but you hadn't realised then that your feelings would grow.

@caramelcrem Absolutely! He was a bit moany for a short while and I think it stung a little but it hasn't been brought up in years and years.
I think something like this is so different to cheating when you are in an established relationship.

You need to work on why you feel guilty when you shouldnt, rather than on appeasing your guilt by ruining your dates day.

You’d been on one date!! Don’t introduce a dynamic where you’re apologetic to him for something that is not remotely wrong! After my now DH and I were exclusive he told me he’d been on a date with someone else between one of our first dates. I felt mildly miffed but it was only my ego dented, he had done literally nothing wrong and it would have been ridiculous to pretend otherwise. Literally, this is a non-issue! Enjoy your new bloke and if you’re worrying about exclusivity then have a chat with him so you’re on the same page going forwards. And don’t ‘assume’ he’s not seeing or sleeping with other people in the meantime!

Treat as you expect to be treated. If he had done the same how would you feel? I don't even think it's a case of forgiving you. If you weren't exclusive then you've not really done anything wrong.

Never, ever assume things are exclusive without the chat. And as you had one date and hasn't agreed you were exclusive you have nothing to feel guilty about.

End of the day you feel how you feel.

I dont think you did anything wrong but get the guilt - you feel as if your relationship is somehow sullied by this.

I wouldn’t tell him. When i was doing old someone i was dating sent a message clearly intended for a fwb and I just thought fuck that for a game of soldiers!

"You need to work on why you feel guilty when you shouldnt, rather than on appeasing your guilt by ruining your dates day."

This. There was no reason for you not to sleep with your FWB at the time. You stopped sleeping with your FWB as soon as you felt more serious about this guy. That's all as it should be. I think it's really concerning you're agonising about it in this way when you have done nothing wrong.

I dont think you did anything wrong but get the guilt - you feel as if your relationship is somehow sullied by this.

This is exactly how I feel. I know rationally that I did nothing wrong but somehow I feel like I have betrayed myself and the relationship by sleeping with someone else after having met and dated new man.

There’s no benefit to the new man in hearing about the crossover with the FWB - you’d just hurt his feelings. (An std is the only reason you need to share details of your sexual history with a partner.)

OP it is actually good that you didnt invest wholeheartedly until things had progressed a bit. It means that now you have gotten to know him, you are with him because you prefer him.

If my current boyfriend had slept with someone between our first dates I would be slightly miffed but it wouldn't affect how I feel about him. I would rather not know though, just like I don't particularly want to know about his past sexual relationships.

@CaramelCrem - I would look at this another way. You had an established FWB arrangement. You are a cautious person who doesn't assume that every date will turn into a relationship. Therefore you slept with your FWB again after your first date with this new guy. Having done that and seen more of your new guy, you have - from a position of careful consideration and awareness of your growing feelings - ended your FWB relationship/situationship. If anything, your FWB has given you a barometer against which to measure your feelings for this new guy - as demonstrated by the fact that you have given up an established FWB arrangement for him.

That’s a brilliant way of looking at it Dery. Thank you

That’s how I saw it!

I am slightly bemused with ppl saying you have done nothing wrong and also not to tell him. I don't really understand how these things can go hand in hand.
Have you had the exclusive conversation now, or would accept it if he was seeing other ppl?
I suppose I have a very different view, in that, if I date someone, form that point I would just assume we are exclusive ( as you said you both did). If I than saw the person with someone else , I would end it.
Not because they were wrong and I am right- I don't think its a moral thing, but just a different mindset.
One other thing I would say ( not to you per se but to some other posters). Whether you tell him or not, is your choice and all depends on how you feel about what has happened ( no judgements from me), but don't use the excuse that you wont tell him to stop him being hurt, that is the cowards way out.

@Cheeseandwin5 you obviously take a far more intense approach to dating than most people. I think if one date means you’re not allowed to go near anyone else it just heaps pressure on the whole thing.

Saying she should not tell him is perfectly compatible with saying she’s done nothing wrong. Just because she has nothing to feel guilty about still doesn’t mean that telling him is in any way a beneficial thing to do. I have no interest in what my now husband was doing until we were exclusive. As I said upthread he told me he went on a date with someone else after me-while I don’t think he did anything wrong at all and so it didn’t cause an issue, I would still on balance have preferred not to be told. It just stung slightly so it would have saved my ego a small dent!

I mean this nicely but if you’re single/dating I would chill out a bit because talking about ‘the cowards way out’ is quite full on in this situation. They had been on one date!! She owed him literally nothing. If I dated someone once and they didn’t want to see me again because I’d then had another first date, if think it a lucky escape to be honest!