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Relationships

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Original poster

Feeling guilty about sleeping with someone else

43 replies

CaramelCrem · 05/10/2020 11:37

I’ve been seeing a lovely man for a short while. 6 weeks to be precise. Things are developing to the point where I am having strong feelings for him.

Between our first and second date though, I slept with an old FWB. As soon as I realised this new man was special though I ended with FWB.

But now I am feeling terrible guilt and that I may have spoilt things with new man. I don’t think I can ever tell him yet I feel so sad that there is now this secret between us forever.

What should I do? Tell him and risk the relationship or keep it buried forever eating me up inside?

OP posts:

CodenameVillanelle · 07/10/2020 14:09

@Cheeseandwin5

I am slightly bemused with ppl saying you have done nothing wrong and also not to tell him. I don't really understand how these things can go hand in hand. Have you had the exclusive conversation now, or would accept it if he was seeing other ppl? I suppose I have a very different view, in that, if I date someone, form that point I would just assume we are exclusive ( as you said you both did). If I than saw the person with someone else , I would end it. Not because they were wrong and I am right- I don't think its a moral thing, but just a different mindset. One other thing I would say ( not to you per se but to some other posters). Whether you tell him or not, is your choice and all depends on how you feel about what has happened ( no judgements from me), but don't use the excuse that you wont tell him to stop him being hurt, that is the cowards way out.

She shouldn't tell him because it's none of his business and sets up a weird dynamic whereby her sex life before their relationship existed is something he is expected to have an opinion on. Not because she's done anything wrong or because it would hurt his feelings. Boundaries are good. Knowing what not to share with a new partner is fine.

Cheeseandwin5 · 07/10/2020 15:05

@CodenameVillanelle
She shouldn't tell him because it's none of his business and sets up a weird dynamic whereby her sex life before their relationship existed is something he is expected to have an opinion on.

I agree with you, but I think she and him do think the relationship had started. She may have not realised it at the time, but I think looking back ( and she says) they both thought they were exculsive.

TOFO1965 · 07/10/2020 15:14

@Dery has it spot on.

Cheeseandwin5 · 07/10/2020 15:15

@GeorginaTheGiant

Thank you for your response. I totally understand I am quite out of step with how many ppl think and please don't get me wrong I didn't mean to say that the OP is guilty, but I was just giving my own viewpoint on it.

That said the OP is not talking about every sexual partner, she is not even talking about this FWB really, she is talking about what seems to be a one off cross over period. The OP feels guilty about it, and I assume after much thought. She now has to decided whether to tell or not.
I am not saying that she should feel guilty, but assuming she does and that doesn't change, then it seems starting a relationship with this 'deception' (as she would see it), is not how I would advise to start the relationship.

Sunflower1970 · 07/10/2020 15:22

I can’t see the point of spoiling what sounds like it’s going to be a great relationship. I can’t see any benefit in telling him! You weren’t exclusive and now you have developed feelings move on from this - it’s not important xx

Original poster

CaramelCrem · 07/10/2020 20:35

Whether you tell him or not, is your choice and all depends on how you feel about what has happened ( no judgements from me), but don't use the excuse that you wont tell him to stop him being hurt, that is the cowards way out.

I have no idea what this means

OP posts:

Cheeseandwin5 · 08/10/2020 10:35

@CaramelCrem

I mean that ppl seem to say I wont tell someone so they dont get hurt.
As if they are keeping the secret for altruistic reasons, when really they are only doing it to protect themselves.

Just to say this comment is not directed at you, but I noticed some posters have made such comments.
Also I am not saying you are guilty of anything, just that the reason you feel bad, maybe because you think you are guilty and, from that position, I just wanted to point out what choices you may have.

Asterion · 08/10/2020 10:37

Question - do you think a man would be beating themselves up like this in the same situation?

Original poster

CaramelCrem · 08/10/2020 11:42

Thanks for explaining Cheesewins.

Yes I get that. And no I’m not not telling him to spare his feelings. I actually don’t think it would affect him to the extent that it would cause problems in the relationship. It’s more that I’m beating myself up a bit for betraying my own values. I knew he was a bit special from the first time we met but I didn’t listen to my feelings and ended up sleeping with FWB because I felt insecure about whether new guy felt the same about me. And now I feel annoyed with myself because it would have been so incredibly special if there had been no-one else from the moment we met. Maybe that’s just a childish ideal though.

OP posts:

whywhywhy6 · 08/10/2020 11:47

You’ve done nothing wrong. You weren’t/aren’t exclusive. You can sleep with who you want.

Have the chat with him about not seeing other people from now on and then you both know where you stand.

No need to overthink it!

GilbertMarkham · 08/10/2020 12:10

Op, not to be pessimistic but it's been 6 weeks.

He/the relationship may continue to be special and work well, it may equally not. You're in the honeymoon period and will continue to be for a while. Imo it takes a couple of years to see if things have real legs. You could easily be on here with issues (to a lesser or greater extent) about him in a while. The relationship hasn't had time to bed in yet.

So there's really no point in feeling bad about "tainting" the specialness of the very beginning of the relationship; he/it may feel special now but it's still in its first flush and any relationship that's going pretty well feels special at this point.

As to the sleeping with your ex fwb after you first met him ... I know quite a lot of people who've done similar, some married or in v long-term relationships. I'd say it's not uncommon.
Sometimes it's ambivalence about the new person, or having no expectation it will turn into a relationship or being hung up someone else when they involved and that fading; sometimes, as with you, it's actually an element of insecurity and anxiety.
In fact that's probably the most "flattering" reason to the new partner.

Not saying I think you should tell him just that you know why you did it and you know it was not even indifference/ambivalence etc.

There's this idea that all.successful or special relationships start out 'cleanly" with noone else on the scene (even just sexually) but the reality is very clearly not the case.

GilbertMarkham · 08/10/2020 12:13

I know the op is not about telling him, but I don't think it could do any good, I'd shelve it.

MJMG2015 · 08/10/2020 12:24

You know you didn't do anything wrong. At the time you'd had ONE date. Yo don't owe a guy you've had ONE date with anything (beyond basic manners).

You're beating yourself up over a complete non event.

I wouldn't deliberately tell him, but I also wouldn't lie if he asks.

He had no right to be 'off' about it. A little hurt maybe, but that's ego.

crestar · 08/10/2020 21:37

Don't feel guilty at all.

Like you said - you're not even exclusive yet and it's highly likely that he's slept with one or two other people as well since you started seeing one another.

Heartbroken21 · 08/10/2020 21:45

You’re massively over reacting. You had one date.

AusFrosty · 09/10/2020 08:59

Male perspective here.

IMO There is a point in a relationship where there is a reasonable expectation of exclusivity, even if you have not had a discussion, BUT, the first date is nowhere near that point.

You might regret what you did, but you did nothing wrong, and there is nothing to gain by telling him.

Cheeseandwin5 · 09/10/2020 11:26

@CaramelCrem
Maybe that’s just a childish ideal though.

No its not, you have every right to feel as you do. Sadly things are never perfect and I am sure during the course of your (hopefully long and happy) relationship there will be things you do and say that you regret.
The past is gone, you cant change it, but you can waste the present and future by stressing about it.

Cheeseandwin5 · 09/10/2020 11:36

@Asterion Question - do you think a man would be beating themselves up like this in the same situation?

Yes I would assume some would and others wouldnt. Probably to the same ration as women.

@crestar
it's highly likely that he's slept with one or two other people as well since you started seeing one another.
Do you know him? I can not understand this assumption when the OP has not said anything that would indicate this would be the case.

I find comments above just so annoying and wish ppl would keep their petty prejudices to themselves.
Its such a shame that certain posters prefer to have a go a the male (and potentially cause problems in the relationship) then help the OP.

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