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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship with an older woman.

42 replies

Redarrowfan12 · 05/10/2020 10:32

I'm 30 and she's 39. We got talking online during the covid lockdown. We hit it off straight away. Started with messages, then to phone calls, then to video chats. She seemed really interested in me and we both planned to date and meet up when we could. She started getting quite intense with her feelings, so much that I backed off a little and almost felt a lot of pressure. I was honest with her and she couldn't accept it. The next 6 weeks, she begged and begged to see me, she literally didn't give up. She went on dates to try and stop herself from getting in contact with me but she kept on perissiting with me. During this time I was starting to feel the pressure ease and I really stated to miss her again.

To cut a long story short, I met up with her and you could tell from her body language she was totally into me. I was more reserved but she completely blew me away, we just hit it off once again. That was two months ago now and we've been dating ever since. We really have hit it off and she tells me how much I mean into her, that she doesn't want to lose me, that I'm the only person she's interested in, that I'm the most amazing, loving, caring guy she's ever met. We have agreed to be exclusive and I've fallen fast for her, she is everything I look for in a girl. She says things which worry me a little. Things like I'm the cutest thing ever, because I help out with my old neighbours, my boy, says she feels totally comfortable with me and that speaks volumes. She calls me a lot, messages me, replies quickly etc.

My concern is she broke up from a long term partner just before starting to message me. I only found this out a month ago, and dint realise she was still living with him. It kind of took me back a little but I've accepted it and she has now moved out. There was also one instant where we were sitting holding hands, and a guy walked past she clearly found attractive. She moved away from me and stared at him playing with her hair. She could see I was clearly p@@@ed off with that, so then went over kill in telling me how much she likes me and appreciates me. She's also started a new job with a lot of people and I'm worried I'm going to lose her. I haven't told her this, I'm remaining my upbeat, self.

She has told me she loves me, misses me when we aren't together and she really does say and do the right things. Should I be concerned or does it sound like im overthinking to much?

OP posts:

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 05/10/2020 10:43

Sounds like a head case.

frewer · 05/10/2020 10:58

I agree with PP, a headcase. You're a bit player in her drama.

wishywashy6 · 05/10/2020 11:02

Jesus this sounds intense 😳
I'm the 'older woman' in my relationship (I'm 38 and my OH is 27) we've been together 2 and a half years and it's never been like you describe, it's given me a headache just reading it.

I don't think age is anything to do with it, you both sound OTT and insecure. Maybe you need to slow it right down and just go back to getting to know each other properly.

While I love my OH and he enhances my life, I certainly don't make him my world and know that I could be perfectly happy without him. He knows that too! I think you need to take a step back because from what you've described it sounds a bit like she may be just using you for an ego boost. The whole flirting with someone else while sat with you thing sounds like she's a bit desperate for attention and doesn't really care where it's from. She says all the right things to you because it gets her what she wants.
You sound like a good guy but I'd just be cautious of things moving too quickly here.

iluvgab · 05/10/2020 11:13

Red flags.
Move on and find someone else.

Leimarel · 05/10/2020 11:17

She's love bombing you. Her professed deep love for you isn't genuine. She sounds like a woman who needs a man on her arm, she doesn't cope well with being single. For the time being, you fit the bill, but as soon as someone more attractive comes along, she'll be off.

Ditch her, she's toxic.

Otterhound · 05/10/2020 11:18

She’s on the rebound, hasn't actually been single for ages, is love bombing etc etc.
I’d be very, very careful if I was you.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2020 11:20

Way too much, way too soon. She sounds unhinged, honestly. From everything you've said, you know something is off about her. I would be running for the hills if I were you.

WTF99 · 05/10/2020 11:21

Too much too soon. I'd put the brakes on a bit if I was you

AskMeOnce · 05/10/2020 11:24

Please read up on 'love bombing' she sounds incredibly manipulative...this has nothing to do with age. Love bombing nearly always ends up in very toxic and controlling relationships- if I were you I'd be running for the hills.

Original poster

Redarrowfan12 · 05/10/2020 13:27

I've not heard of love bombing. She has said to me she that I stay around after the initial 'honey moon' phase and that she's worried I will get bored and leave!

OP posts:

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 05/10/2020 13:33

So, instead of having a honeymoon phase at all she's putting you through the wringer so that you're used to it?

Nah. Even if she had a magic vagina I'd be out.

wishywashy6 · 05/10/2020 14:31

@Redarrowfan12

I've not heard of love bombing. She has said to me she that I stay around after the initial 'honey moon' phase and that she's worried I will get bored and leave!

But this is a risk in all relationships, no? There's always a chance that once the initial excitement dies down one or both of you might decide that you're not compatible for a LTR and go your separate ways. That's why taking it slow and letting things build gradually is better IMO. These relationships that are so full on and intense at the start often burn out fairly quickly from my experience.

In all honesty when I first met my OH I didn't think we'd end up in a 'serious' relationship due to the age gap but we got on well, enjoyed each other's company and shared many of the same values. Plus the sex was good. I went into it fully understanding that we might not be a forever thing but that for the time being, we were enjoying each other. As it's turned out we did both reach a point where we wanted to commit to a future together and here we are today.
It sounds as though she is very insecure and feels that by projecting all her worries on to you that you will reassure her and feed her need to feel wanted. It sounds like the beginning of a very toxic relationship where you're both so worried about the other running off with someone else that it stops you enjoying each other in the here and now. It's not a basis for a healthy relationship at all

MMmomDD · 05/10/2020 14:39

OP - you see quite young and naive, as she seems on rebound. Bad combination.
Also - and you don’t seem to be thinking about it now - but do you want to have children at some point? It’s highly likely that by the time you are ready she won’t be able.

But good news is - you are still very young and even if this relationship lasts a few years - you’ll still have enough time to meet someone and have kids, if you want.

So - have fun and see how life develops.

PixelatedLunchbox · 05/10/2020 14:40

The fact that she is older has nothing to do with her behaviour. She's just a nutter.

AlwaysLatte · 05/10/2020 14:42

I wouldn't invest everything in her too soon, put it that way. Often people who give too much too soon also lose interest quickly, so she may do that - i'd take things slowly or give it a break if she can't do that.

Bunnymumy · 05/10/2020 14:47

Total bampot. Your instincts are screaming at you, listen to them.

You told her no (because she was too full on) and she didn't respect that (and wouldnt leave you alone). It's crazy behaviour.

And definately love bombing.
Run for the hills. If she will let you lol.

Bunnymumy · 05/10/2020 14:49

And the flirting with other men in front of you...ick.
I think you're dealing with a narcissist or similar.

newnameforthis123 · 05/10/2020 14:57

@PixelatedLunchbox

The fact that she is older has nothing to do with her behaviour. She's just a nutter.

Agreed. Why on earth are you still seeing her?! This is an absolute recipe for a toxic relationship.

Original poster

Redarrowfan12 · 05/10/2020 16:04

The flirting with other men in front of me did really p@@@ me off and she knew it. I've not seen her do it again but It does bither me what she does when I'm not around. Even though it's none of my business I would like to be able to feel comfortable. I'm unable to see her for a while now anyway because she is in a lockdown area so I can't travel to see her.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2020 16:07

I'm unable to see her for a while now anyway because she is in a lockdown area so I can't travel to see her.

Then it's a perfect time to end it, yes? Don't be foolish by continuing on with this relationship, although I would use that term very loosely here. You know this is never going to work. Save yourself from the inevitable bullshit drama and get rid.

Bunnymumy · 05/10/2020 16:08

I'd phase her out then op. She is a right chancer and she did that flirting thing to piss you off. Far too much game playing from a grown woman.

SilverOtter · 05/10/2020 16:11

Just sounds like she's on the rebound tbh.

AdaColeman · 05/10/2020 16:35

Run for the hills, and don't look back.

AuntyPasta · 05/10/2020 16:37

Run very fast indeed.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 05/10/2020 16:59

@Redarrowfan12

You can swear here op, you don't need to @@@ it out.

Can I just ask, why do you want to have a relationship with someone who is this bonkers and makes you feel uncomfortable? Can you explain what's keeping you interested, because she sounds awful.

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