Just an update from me for anyone who remembers my post and thanks for your support at the time but I wasn't strong enough to cut the cord then. Call it pandemic fatigue or being too scared to be on my own. Hoping this might help anyone in a similar situation.
So. I took him back in October and towards the end I endured worse behaviour than the first time. I guess I took him back as I missed him, our routine, cuddles, eating together, his shower (!) grown up company, sex and the grief was unbearable. Also with the ongoing pandemic he was one of the only people I saw. I do get lonely. But this time around I wouldn't let him see my kids and I don't think that helped. But I needed to know I could trust that he wasn't using and that moment didn't really come. I was on my guard almost wanted to pat him down when he arrived but I wouldn’t have found anything. He only saw them a couple of times and I think I hurt him not letting things ‘go back to ‘normal’’.
I can be around booze, but I cannot be around coke. I don't know why perhaps it reminds me how close I was for my life being in a very dangerous place this time a year ago, potentially going down the drain. It's the thing I can lean over and demand in a split second and undo what I've been working on and through, whereas I just think of booze as quite poisonous and toxic to me. I don’t know why it’s difficult probably doesn’t make the least bit of sense if you are reading this.
And he just wasn’t using ‘recreationally’ anymore. I wouldn’t have cared if he was. I could tell it was happening whenever he had the opportunity.
So I gave him an ultimatum a few weeks ago after enduring lie after lie, seeing him less, him making excuses and he really let me down the week before undertaking something. I told him "if I find out you are using I'll have no choice but to end it". I saw him less and less. I started to be able to tell when he was high from his WhatsApp messages "the fact of the matter 'sweetheart'", which was not from the person I love and adore. He said he was missing me and that he loved me but I felt lonely. He was sniffing constantly, and I'd joke saying "your using aren't you, just be honest with me", he said his nose was just healing. And his OCD prevented me finding any paraphernalia. He told me I was paranoid or that he wouldn't be doing that because he was skint, he wouldn't do that to me etc. Endless excuses until he started running out of them. Like he started to use work as his excuse and he’d never used work, especially working from home. The things he said just didn’t add up - he was just avoiding me. One Saturday afternoon I was feeling really lazy and fancied hanging around his - staying in bed or similar but he was like an excited child and couldn’t wait to get shot of me for the afternoon. I knew it was so that he could score as I saw him again in the evening and he was sniffing but I don’t think he did whilst I was there as he fell into a coma about 9 in the evening on the sofa probably where he’d stayed up until the early hours on the Thursday. I know it all makes sense now and it’s glaringly obvious but I wanted to believe him with him telling me I was paranoid or it was all in my head. Shocking really what I put myself through.
I became wise to his behaviour and on the off chance tasted some on a washed off plate in his dishwasher. He didn’t know how I knew but when I asked him “when are you going to tell me you’re on coke” we had a back and forth “why do you think I am” nine times or so. I could see in his eyes all he was thinking was “fuck what has she found, what did I leave out, did I leave a bag in the bin” etc I said “just tell me” and he did. I gave him a hug and thanked him for finally being honest and then I left.
It is extremely tough to walk away from someone you love and adore wholeheartedly but who places their addiction above all else and you can't make them see that there is a different life to be had. I desperately wanted him to find what I had found. But you can't make them see the person they become and the obsession that they have, that they are wasting away or - their soul is. You can't make them see that are spending hundreds of pounds on nothing but heartache and a false high or sense of happiness as they already had that temporary high such a long time ago and now their mind is constantly searching for it. They are not using 'recreationally' any longer it's become an obsession.
The last text I had from him after I walked away asked that I come back to help him. That he massively needed my help. But he was high. I didn't reply and I haven't heard from him since. But we’ve gone no contact a couple of weeks before in the past.
I think he was probably glad that I left that night because he could fully indulge into the only thing that matters to him. I expect he got tired of my demands (to see him one extra night mid week not just weekend) or that he was being inconsiderate because for the first time in my life I have learned to be honest with him. Perhaps I was a nag, the sex had become vanilla, I certainly wasn't even enjoying that anymore with him. Perhaps he had already moved on.. Perhaps communication just broke down. Understandably I wasn't the person I was when we met but I haven't changed an awful amount tbf. Perhaps it was just a matter of time. I can't say that I could believe anything he said towards that last week. But I didn't have the strength anymore as I am fighting my own battle.
I’m doing the opposite of what my heart is telling me to do. It’s probably the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. I don’t want anyone else, I want him; I have to go it alone. I think it makes it that much more difficult that I am the only person who knows how bad he is (aside from his dealer). I’m hoping silence sends a stronger message. But it’s so hard for me not to message him. To start the process all over again when I’ve been given my answer - twice!
I was 11 months sober beginning of this week. But I’m devastated I have had to do this without being able to tell him why and just sort of ghost him. I love him so dearly. But it’s just too dangerous for me to support another addict.
My daughter asked me the other day "Mum are we going to see * on Christmas Day?". That really hurt. It really hurts so much.