Having to walk away from a relationship you don't want to.

[IronNeonClasp]

When my ex-H and I were ending I had no question that it was the right thing to do despite the kids being 6/7. I weighed it all I up and knew I just didn't have the strength.
I was in a happy relationship up until last month when it came to the surface he had been using coke. I gave all that up and the lifestyle in January so I've had to knock it on the head with him but I'm just so sad about it. Really finding it difficult to walk away. I'm so down about it all. I know I can't change him but aside from that everything was ok really
Just wondered if you wonderful people had a similar story of walking away and how you realised it was right to do, you had to walk away and what's happening in your life now. Perhaps to give me a glimmer of hope and support.

@Lora88 very suspicious mine was up to the same. Regularly online until 4/5am on platforms. I'm so sorry how difficult that you actually found out. I never managed to get that truth and he was always insistent he wasn't as he's loyal with that kind of thing but I couldn't believe a word of it towards the end.. Really sorry you've experienced the same. Wouldn't wish it on anyone

I have to be honest Op
It doesn’t sound like you’re the one walking away

You say you’d have him back in a heart beat and that he hasn’t exactly been knocking down your door to return.

I told him "if I find out you are using I'll have no choice but to end it".

Please please @IronNeonClasp reframe this in your mind and every day going forward - say to yourself " I do have a choice to end it. I've ended it because I'm exercising my freedom, it's my choice. "

He is not in a position to be in a relationship.

Even if he found recovery today, he needs to be on his own to sort out his own issues.
Don't take it personally, he's an addict.
You won't win.

Disconnect from those old associations from your using days. Cut it all off. Don't look back.

@daisychain01 I am trying, thank you so much.

@Onacleardayyoucansee Thank you! Yes and I do too. I thunk I'm annoyed at wasting so much of my new journey too focused on him. The confusion and whatifs. Just throwing myself into Crimbo for the kids and doing all the stuff I want to do trying not to let the whatifs cloud my mind.

@Hellotheresweet missed you post. I haven't been entirely great about the ongoing situation I've shut him down a few times. I think maybe he thinks I'll soften again.

You've got kids. How about you just get the drug user out of your life and grow up.

@mkjgderuokbfs

What a disgusting judgmental comment to make.
If you’d have read through her comments you should have been able to use your common sense to see she is away from him but that doesn’t mean she can just stop loving him! She’s looking for support Jesus! Strop looking at life through rose tinted glasses some people’s life’s are much more complex , anyone would think she has just said she’s exposing her child to drugs or abuse which she hasn’t implied at all , do not make her feel like a shit parent over something completely separate not helpful. .

Let’s hope your husband/partner never puts a foot wrong in your perfect life , until you’ve lived and experienced it try not to judge so harshly , not cool.

@mkjgderuokbfs Bless you.

You say you love him but it sounds like "in love" with someone who...he is not. It doesn't sound like the cherishing, respectful emotion at the heart of a good LTR.
If, when you'd first met him, you'd been shown all this by some Ghost Of Christmas Future - would you have even have started the relationship?

[quote Lora88]@mkjgderuokbfs

What a disgusting judgmental comment to make.
If you’d have read through her comments you should have been able to use your common sense to see she is away from him but that doesn’t mean she can just stop loving him! She’s looking for support Jesus! Strop looking at life through rose tinted glasses some people’s life’s are much more complex , anyone would think she has just said she’s exposing her child to drugs or abuse which she hasn’t implied at all , do not make her feel like a shit parent over something completely separate not helpful. .

Let’s hope your husband/partner never puts a foot wrong in your perfect life , until you’ve lived and experienced it try not to judge so harshly , not cool.[/quote]
Oh give over. There are thousands of men in the world. Pining over a coke addict when you have little kids is immature and ridiculous.

@mkjgderuokbfs

Good for you and your kids
So if your partner admitted a problem of some kind tomorrow you’d just up and leave ? Cut all ties ?
I’m sure you’d like to think you would ... I know better.

OP His relationship is with coke. Until he stops he is a waste of time.

Your update was very heartfelt and powerful and sad, your know your doing the fight thing and you also tried to salvage the relationship, you have done the right thing to end it but I know that's not easy. Heartbreak is painful, but it will pass. Throw yourself into Christmas and stay brave

@mkjgderuokbfs

You've got kids. How about you just get the drug user out of your life and grow up.

What exactly do you think the OP is doing ffs??

How about you actually read what is being posted, and quit the vile comments.

@IronNeonClasp you're doing amazingly well - keep focus on everything you've achieved so far, and enjoy the lead up to Christmas.

Hang on in there OP. You made it 11 months and almost at the year milestone. It is a slippery path and easy to let it take over. You needed to change for you, your kids and everything you have and don’t want to lose.
It sounds like He is not ready to change and his using is likely to increase. Stay strong!

Thanks for the encouraging feedback. I have been throwing myself in to Christmas and my program and being there for friends. I know a few people going through break ups so supporting each other helps.

One thing I'm grateful for is that we didn't live together so some kind of independence was always there. I don't think I could live with anyone again after my marriage breakdown. I really think that's it for me with men. The more I watch them from afar the more complex I realise we all are with all sorts of issues and problems. Need to work on me. Let him go. Focus on my wonderful kids. Work on existing relationships (mum, ex-H etc)

I think it would be a needle in a haystack now finding 'the one' middle aged. Not entirely convinced they exist anyhow and we just get together with any old thing to fill the void of loneliness. The old me settled for any old crap but I'm not her now thank fuck.

Thanks again wonderful people

I wonder if you have survivor's guilt? You have been strong enough to get clean yourself and want the same for him. Sadly, only he can change his behaviour, not you. It must be difficult watching someone you love make poor choices and prioritising drugs over you but that is the very nature of addiction. Nothing else will matter to him.

Well done on your own recovery and continue to focus on yourself and your children. You have made the right decision. Be proud of yourself and your strength

Hi. Update from me. I'm a year sober today Made it through a pandemic, relationship break down and Christmas/NY. Still in my baby steps but keeping it in the day.

I haven't heard from him. He did choose the drugs. I have unattainable expectations

Just read some of your posts back. Some of you are so so wise. The ghost of Christmas past. Fuck man.

We just can't see things when we are submerged in them. We don't realise how powerful we are. I am codependent and also a love addict; an addict all around. But thank you for those who posted and all your help and support when I needed it and the clarity much as I didn't like reading the truth I knew what I had to do ♥️

Congratulations on your year OP. Really well done 🌟

Ah that's amazing a whole year OP, well done. Really proud of you

You are amazing op. 👏