Partner 'siding' with DC

[WhatIsThisMess3232]

This might sound a bit odd but I've been noticing more and more than my DP is always 'siding' with my DC (not his children). We don't live together. Been together 2.5 years.

I'll ask DC1 to come off their Xbox, DP will say 'Ah can you believe your Mum is making you get off?'

I'll ask DC2 to have a bath, DP will say 'Ah why is it always the nights I'm here that your Mum makes you have a bath'

DC1 will ask what's for dinner, I'll tell them, DP will say 'Ah your Mum never gives you what you want, does she?'

It's always said in a joking way, and my DP has a great relationship with both my children, this kind of comment is literally all the time though.

Do I just need to lighten up a bit?! Thanks.

Thankfully you do not live together, this will also make it easier for you to declare the relationship is over. He is trying to undermine your overall authority as their parent by wanting them to see him as Disney Stepdad with you being seen as the bad guy. It’s very underhand of him to do this and he will not change.

Why not just ask him to cut out those comments? He’s probably just got into the habit of saying it, like a reflex, and doesn’t realise you’re not in on the joke.

He's not taking sides, it's a lighthearted comment to lighten the atmosphere. Would you rather he be strict with them and them dislike him?

I have asked him to cut it out because the kids then won't do what I ask, but he says I'm just being sensitive.

It is all the time, literally after every time I ask my DC to do something. My littlest will then say, 'Who should I listen too, Mummy or xxx?'

Until you’ve asked him to stop and he doesn’t, I don’t think it’s helpful to conclude that this is some great stain on his character I and those around me have definitely misjudged things before in a similar vein to this, but all it takes is a gentle ‘can you please stop’ to reset perceptions.

Oh I see, cross post OP, sorry.

Imo he is showing he has /won't have any responsibility towards /for them. He is happy to play at being their mate. Not sf material in the long term imo.

Ahh the old you’re being too sensitive bullshit from him.

Honestly consider your future with this man very carefully. He is indeed undermining your own authority as your children’s parent here by portraying himself as the ‘good guy’ would would let them do whatever they please.

How do you respond when your youngest child says, “who should I listen to, mummy or x”

Maybe he just wants your children to like him.

It sounds a bit creepy to be honest. Like he’s desperate for them to like him more than they like you.

He's a wannabe Disney Dad who undermines the children's mother. Your relationship can't go any further, OP, as this guy likes to put you down so that he can be Mr Popular. Bin him.

He does have his own DC, we parent quite differently. Mine have rules etc, and his don't as much.

If my littlest says who should I listen to, Mummy or X, then I'll tell him that he needs to listen to Mummy.

Good on you for telling your youngest that he/she should be listening to you.

It’s no surprise to read that his own children do not have such rules, he is in all likelihood trying to be some sort of Disney dad or best friend to them too.

Is he really worth being in a relationship with?. I am certain his ex does not have a good word to say about him.

Imagine you all living together.. Your dc would hate you..

I'd dump him.

He's not taking sides, it's a lighthearted comment to lighten the atmosphere

@ChaChaCha2012 But he is really.

Would you rather he be strict with them and them dislike him?

He could just allow OP to parent her own children. He doesn't have to undermine it, and shouldn't be.

I think you’ve found the reason he and his ex split.

I couldn't stand his every sentence beginning with 'Ah', not even if he's Father Dougal McGuire.

I was going to say, he's trying to ingratiate himself with your dc, which to me would come across as weak and insecure.

However with your update about his parenting style, I think he's (probably unconsciously) seeking validation for the way he treats his own dc.

I'd tell him to knock it on the head as it's irritating for you and confusing for your dc.

I wouldn't see him as a long term prospect. I couldn't be with someone with such a lazy approach to parenting.

It's the weirdest thing, it feels like I'm being critised but I'm not sure I am

You’re being undermined by this man and he is using your children to do this to you.

I have a male friend who has a gf that does this with his dcs. She undermines him all the time, putting the kids against him so she seems like the “savior” and the “good guy” and he’s the “bad guy”. She’s always trying to win them over and this is how she does it. Now his dcs treat him like crap and disrespect him and only go to her when they want something or want to talk - exactly what she wanted. She has solidified her place in the house so that now he’s hesitant to be rid of her cause the dcs would be upset with him.

If you try and talk to him and things don’t change get rid of him- he’s bad news.

And I forgot to say this woman also comes running to him to tattle on his kids when they do something bad so he can be the one to discipline them. She plays both sides of the fence and it’s disgusting.

Be very wary of anyone that does this - there’s always an ulterior motive.

Ooooooshhhhhh this would really fuck me off. I would be telling him he has 3 choices. 1. Shut the fuck up undermining me or 2. Visit on days my children are not in the house. Or 3. Fuck off and don't come back.

My DH is a step parent but even if he wasn't no way would either of us undermine the other one. We present a united front.