Partner 'siding' with DC

[WhatIsThisMess3232]

This might sound a bit odd but I've been noticing more and more than my DP is always 'siding' with my DC (not his children). We don't live together. Been together 2.5 years.

I'll ask DC1 to come off their Xbox, DP will say 'Ah can you believe your Mum is making you get off?'

I'll ask DC2 to have a bath, DP will say 'Ah why is it always the nights I'm here that your Mum makes you have a bath'

DC1 will ask what's for dinner, I'll tell them, DP will say 'Ah your Mum never gives you what you want, does she?'

It's always said in a joking way, and my DP has a great relationship with both my children, this kind of comment is literally all the time though.

Do I just need to lighten up a bit?! Thanks.

My youngest quite often says 'Mummy xxx is much more fun than you, you're boring', but when xxx isn't around I'm the best Mummy ever apparently. It's just grinding me down after nearly 3 years of it!

I would urge you to end this relationship by telling him this is no longer working for you. What is preventing you currently from making a permanent break?. This is not going to get any better for you and in turn your children here.

To so this a few times at the start I could see it being an I'll thought out attempt to have a laugh with your kids and get on with them.

Long term, frequent and carrying on despite you asking him not to = undermining, immature and overstepping.

Fuck him off OP, he sounds like a dick and he's already starting to cause tension between you and your kids while also blurring their boundaries and their sense of knowing they should listen to you as you're their parent.

This would drive me mad OP. You are definitely not being too sensitive!

Really really really GET RID.

It's a form of gaslighting. He's liking having you on the back foot and he's using your own kids to do it - to undermine you, to Wendy you even (make friends with your people and then cut you out of the circle).

And the response to you raising a concern about your own children and his way of relating to them in your home - you're too sensitive'?!

Ooooooof

Bye bye Mr Manipulator.

He's undermining you as the parent and decision maker for your DC; he's creating an emotional barrier between you and DC, almost trying to detach them from you and planting himself in between as the good guy and go to adult whenever your DC need someone, and not their mother. I can't help finding this a bit creepy, along with the little digs and 'jokes' and downplaying it as just jokes aka gaslighting you and driving you crazy making you think you are overreacting and doubting yourself!

You need to tell him to get lost, or at the very least to back the fuck off and let you parent your DC. Your DC need to know that you are in charge, make decisions and the go to adult in their lives etc, for there safety as much as anything, he is not allowing you to do that when he should know better as a parent himself.

trying to detach them from you and planting himself in between as the good guy and go to adult whenever your DC need someone, and not their mother

This.

CREEPY
CREEPY
CREEPY

Really, get rid, get rid right now. 2.5 years is a bit of a crunch time I think... they really let their guard down and also start trying to get things 'sorted' the way they want them. That's when, if a guy essentially has no respect for you - it will really start to show.

He sounds annoying as fuck.

Could be various things behind this...

He's undermining you to let you know your place. (Closet misogynist.)
He disapproves of your parenting style and this is a passive aggressive way of telling you. (Not compatible and an arsehole.)
He's trying to be your kids "cool mate" and doesn't care if it upsets you. (Selfish/ thoughtless. )
He's one of those irritating people who goads and goads you to get a reaction so that when you snap/complain he can act all wronged and hurt. (Narcissist.)

Call him out and let him know it really bothers you and has to stop. If it doesn't, bin him.

The "Ah"-ing would really get on my tits too!!!

@honeylulu

He sounds annoying as fuck.

Could be various things behind this...

He's undermining you to let you know your place. (Closet misogynist.)
He disapproves of your parenting style and this is a passive aggressive way of telling you. (Not compatible and an arsehole.)
He's trying to be your kids "cool mate" and doesn't care if it upsets you. (Selfish/ thoughtless. )
He's one of those irritating people who goads and goads you to get a reaction so that when you snap/complain he can act all wronged and hurt. (Narcissist.)

Call him out and let him know it really bothers you and has to stop. If it doesn't, bin him.

The "Ah"-ing would really get on my tits too!!!

Why have you put up with this prick for nearly 3 years is the real question?

Creepy and inappropriate and he's gaslighting you. Why on earth are you still dating him?

I'd end things, op. He's undermining you and clearly doesn't care about your feelings as he's still doing it after you've asked him to stop. Where's the fun in that?

I think it's possibly a way of him saying that I'm too strict without actually saying that? I don't think I am - I just don't allow them on consoles all day long and they have to tidy up after themselves after dinner etc!

@WhatIsThisMess3232

I think it's possibly a way of him saying that I'm too strict without actually saying that? I don't think I am - I just don't allow them on consoles all day long and they have to tidy up after themselves after dinner etc!

Does it matter why he does it though really? It's not on and you've told him you want him to stop. He hasn't stopped so is stomping all over your boundaries. You also know that the effect has been that your children have asked who they should listen to, him or you. That means it's unhealthy. Regardless of why he does it, I don't think it's healthy to stay with someone so disrespectful.

@WhatIsThisMess3232

I think it's possibly a way of him saying that I'm too strict without actually saying that? I don't think I am - I just don't allow them on consoles all day long and they have to tidy up after themselves after dinner etc!

Who cares what his opinion is. They are NOT his children and its NONE of his business. He doesn't live with you?

Why on earth would you allow such an undermining, disrespectful twat in your home and around your children.

Nearly three years you have put up with this?
Unbelievable.

Are you so desperate for him🤷‍♀️

It is all the time, literally after every time I ask my DC to do something. My littlest will then say, 'Who should I listen too, Mummy or xxx?'

He IS criticising you!
He's also deliberately and constantly choosing to undermine you.

I think he realises that he's a lazy parent and watching you being a more hands-on and involved parent secretly shames him - so he's 'punishing' you for that......and also no doubt gets a great deal of pleasure when he sees how your children's loyalty to you is being tested.

Get rid - or you'll find that as your children grow older they will be more under his influence than yours.

I can't believe you've allowed him to continue like this for 3 years!
3 years and he already has your DC questioning whether they should respect their mother!!!!!
Seriously - open your eyes and stop allowing 'love' to cloud your thinking.

How would you feel if it was your Mother doing this? Or a friend?
In both cases I'd hope you'd tell them off clearly, and if they continued to undermine you'd cut down (or cut out) contact with them.

In a partner its worse - and usually leads on to undermining you and pushing boundaries in other ways.

Yes I was going to say this is his way of saying he doesn’t approve of your parenting style ie he thinks you’re being too strict.

He'd get one warning from me. "Don't do it again or this relationship is over. It's undermining, it confuses my DC and I'm not being sensitive, I just need to parent my DC as I feel fit"

He either takes what you say on board, or he can get lost.

@WhatIsThisMess3232

This might sound a bit odd but I've been noticing more and more than my DP is always 'siding' with my DC (not his children). We don't live together. Been together 2.5 years.

I'll ask DC1 to come off their Xbox, DP will say 'Ah can you believe your Mum is making you get off?'

I'll ask DC2 to have a bath, DP will say 'Ah why is it always the nights I'm here that your Mum makes you have a bath'

DC1 will ask what's for dinner, I'll tell them, DP will say 'Ah your Mum never gives you what you want, does she?'

It's always said in a joking way, and my DP has a great relationship with both my children, this kind of comment is literally all the time though.

Do I just need to lighten up a bit?! Thanks.

Do you know what? I think he is just being friendly with them, and you should not be too cross with him. Reading your post made me smile. he sounds like a nice guy :)

He is underhanded and manipulative. He won't change. Ever.

Stop letting your kids be around a man who is giving them the message not to listen to their mother, but listen to him instead.

GET RID.

He is criticising you. And in the worst way by undermining your relationships with your children. It’s nasty. Can you imagine doing that to him and his kids? If not, why put up with his negative influence on your own family?

I’m a stepmum. My job as a stepmum is to support my husband in his relationship with his children. I have my own relationships with them but he’s their dad and their relationship is so very precious and important to all of them and I can’t imagine doing anything to damage that. It’s a horrible idea.

Please take on board what people are saying, his actions show he doesn’t have yours and your children’s best interests at heart. Of course he’s indenting your healthy boundaries with your children - it’s a reminder of his own failings with his.