Leaving husband 4mo baby

[SRP111]

I have come to realise that I hate my husband and every day I despise him more. I want to leave but we have a four month old baby. We are supposed to be buying a house and husband has made it clear that if I do not agree to buy the house with him he will not leave unless he can take the baby with him. He can’t afford the house on his own and says it is his dream property. If I use all my savings and go on the mortgage with him he says we can separate (he basically loves the house way more than me) but he wants the baby at least two full weeks a month even though he works full time (says he will take baby to his mum every day while he’s at work). I am breastfeeding and anyway can’t bear to be away from my son for two whole weeks every month so I’m forced to stay with him for my sons sake. He won’t sleep in separate beds either and says I can sleep in a different room if I want but away from our son. Baby wakes to breastfeed several times a night and my husband doesn’t wake up to him stirring unless he’s full blown crying. I hate the thought of him looking for me in the night and me not being there. Husband is oblivious to the fact that the baby needs his mum and says formula is better than breastfeeding anyway (think he just hates the fact that the baby needs me for something). As far as I’m aware he legally has the right to take the baby and I won’t be able to do a thing about it. He’s also got nationality of a different country and could potentially take him there where the father has full rights and mum has none. I don’t know what to do anymore. I hate that my son will grow up in an environment full of hate and arguments but I also can’t see any way out without giving up two weeks a month seeing my little boy (and potentially having my husband take him away for good).

Definitely do not buy the house for him. Your situation sounds awful and buying him a property will just tie you closer together. Also please do speak to a solicitor about a prohibited steps order to prevent him from removing the child from the UK without your consent.

@SRP111

I will contact a solicitor tomorrow. I was under the impression that he has equal rights to parent our son but lots of people have said above that this is not true

It'a not true. Mine said 50/50 -he has currently go EOW and less than 50% of the holidays -mine is older now.

Mine was a baby when we split and he got 2 supervised hours EOW at the contact centre for 6 months and then it became 3 hours EOW and then 4 etc building up when DC was about 2 to an overnight. If I was breastfeeding no overnights would have been given, until baby / toddler had stopped.

I will have a look to see if you have already said -but do you currently own or rent?

Is he putting the threats to separate you from your son in texts etc -or is it just verbal. A recording would necessarily be able to be produced in court -however threats via email messages etc can all be produced.

@user15412486546

As far as I’m aware he legally has the right to take the baby and I won’t be able to do a thing about it. He’s also got nationality of a different country and could potentially take him there where the father has full rights and mum has none.

Are you basing this on what he's told you to get you to stay?

If he took your baby out of the country without your consent it would be considered an abduction.

There are lots of things you can do to free yourself of an abusive man and remove him from your home.

says I can sleep in a different room if I want but away from our son

What would happen if you took baby to sleep in a different room with you? What would he do or what are you afraid he would do?

He does have the right to take the baby and take it abroad- hence a solicitor to ensure the child remains in the UK and he is not allowed to take him without your consent.

Has he threatened to go abroad in texts / emails etc ?if so -you can easily get a solicitor to apply for an emergency residency order so the child stays with you.

My mum has said the stress could kill her or my dad
Do your parents and you not understand your husband is displaying worrying behaviour and that he may kill you?

It says that if he takes baby then the police can’t do anything
The police will not allow your baby to be away from you. Your dd is ebf. He is talking bullshit. You need to go to see a solicitor now

I don’t think it’s clear cut so you need legal advice for your particular circumstances.

My child was older but I was in a situation where I went to collect them but exh wouldn’t let them go and police refused to get involved.

4 month old BF baby taken away for 2 weeks at a time.

Aye right 'd'H. Good luck with that.

Your parents sound very limp wristed. Their daughter is being abused & they just don’t want the hassle of standing up for you both.

He may have some kind of equal rights, but you need help from a solicitor as soon as possible, who will give you all the advice that will be correct, and not some fanciful and idiot views about things coming from your manipulative Husband. I hope that you will be safe forthwith, whilst trying to deal with things that your Husband might not like to hear.

Don't wholeheartedly do everything to just keep the peace, your future with your child is important mainly.

Don’t buy the house it will only tie you in further. Plan your separation with the baby and seek legal advice. No judge would give him overnight care while he is breastfeeding he won’t have a leg to stand on. Call on family and friends for back up and get a support network around you It’s way better that you split while the baby is so young he won’t remember

Sollicitor ASAP.

He is manipulating you so he can get what he wants. This is full in blackmail!!
The ‘i want the baby two weeks a month’ is a threat and again a way to manipulate you. No judge will let a father have a 4 months bf’ed baby two a months.
Remember too that if he doesn’t wake up, I suspect he doesn’t see looking after the baby his role. Do you think a man like this will want to be restricted by a baby like this?

@SRP111

I will contact a solicitor tomorrow. I was under the impression that he has equal rights to parent our son but lots of people have said above that this is not true

Ye she has equal parenting rights.

But the most important thing is the week being of the baby/child.
You don’t separate a bf’ed baby from his mum!!
Rights do not mean automatically 50/50 and him getting whatever he wants.

He has not threatened to take the baby abroad but I worry about it. There is a very famous book/ film about the particular country I am talking about. Once the child is in that country I am not allowed to take him back to the UK without written permission from his father. Also that country does not recognise duel nationality and my child's British nationality will be irrelevant if he's over there, there are numerous cases where fathers have taken children to that country and the mother unable to get them back due to no consular assistance there etc

You'd be mad to buy a house with him.

A good source of legal advice is Rights of Women, they have information on their website and a free family law helpline:
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

He does sound abusive (if you're not sure this article is helpful: www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse) and if that's the case I advise you to contact the National domestic abuse helpline (0808 2000 247) and/or your local women's aid for advice and support.

Do you have a friend you could stay with? Don't let worry about your parents stop you from leaving. They're adults and they're capable of changing the locks if necessary and calling the police if he gets aggressive. If they choose not to that's their problem.

STOP ....

do not help buy this man a house with money you need for you and your child .. good lord !? what are you thinking?

The women on here will give you excellent and accurate advice. Please listen to it and take it on board. 🌺

He won't do anything to your parents. He needs them. Of all of the dozens of times men threaten this they never do it. Unless you want to lose very penny you have and your child get out. Plan ahead carefully. Find somewhere safe to stash important documents - somewhere he can't get to. Get a burner phone. Make sure all child benefits are in your name and go to your bank account.

Also get bits out slowly. Things he won't notice. A suitcase full of clothes and shoes. Jewellery. Rent a flat and just go one day or night when he's not paying attention. No doubt he has his routines.

Oh by the way you might think how can I know this but this has all the hallmarks of potential serious financial abuse. He will move your money out of the country and take the child.

Split your finances as soon as you can because he's never ever going to play fair. He will move his money out and go for half of yours. I've seen it happen on here. So screenshots and printouts of his bank accounts is a MUST.

He wants your money and your baby. He does not want you. Think about that. You are nothing to him. He will be as cruel as he wants until you break and doing it under your parents noses is a pretty cold thing to do. But he's been brought up to think of women as expendable servants.

I'm assuming your baby is a boy? In which case you are in even more danger. Have you not stopped to think why he's home all the time? He's your prison warden. His comments about formula are chilling too. 🚩 🚩

As for your parents once you are out and safe and have all the legal stuff tied down they will be fine. You will have their grandchild and they will know they have to be.

He’s subjecting you to emotional manipulation and abuse, call Women’s Aid and get this documented, especially the threats to take the baby away from the BF mother.
They can also point you to solicitors.
He’s trying to control the situation by telling you complete lies, there’s no way he’d have long periods of access to a BF baby.
Also keep your savings for your own home with your baby.
If it does go tits up in the meantime, and you end up throwing him out, when he comes over and starts up, either call the police or log with 101.
You need this documented with official agencies, so there’s a trail, if he starts abusing you through the courts.

You can contact the relevant authorities and have a stop put on your child’s passport so he’s unable to leave the county without your permission.

Look into it.

www.simpsonmillar.co.uk/media/preventing-a-child-from-leaving-the-uk/

@SRP111

I am on maternity as well. His company won a HR award for this gender equal family leave. Men and women at his company get the same amount of leave there is nothing fishy about it. I wish it was not the case because then he wouldn't be around all the time irritating me. I think part of the problem is I don't think he's a terrible person just that we have drifted apart and everything he does annoys me. Because of this I feel sorry for him and I don't want to deprive him of seeing his son but equally I don't want to be with him anymore. We are both equally horrible to each other, I am not completely blameless, but he still loves me and wants to carry on the marriage while I no longer want to be together. I think he says things about taking my son because he is scared to think that the marriage is over

He is a terrible person. The threats he makes do not come from a good place.

Forget the sympathy for him. Forget about his access to his son. He says these things to intimidate you and to control you.

Protect yourself and your child immediately.

He does not get to make the rules in your parental home, especially as to where you sleep.

Throw him out and ask your parents for their support.

Do NOT buy a house with this prick. Giving him access and control over your money would be the worst move you could ever make.

Your husband is full of shit.
Don't buy anything with him because you will be trapped and he knows it.
He can make it as clear as he wants but no court in the land would let him go off with your baby.
It's all empty threats to scare and bully you.
See a solicitor and kick his sorry ass. Don't be afraid. It will be far worse staying with him than leaving him.

He won’t get the baby if he’s homeless

I contacted a solicitor today who told me "In the absence of a court order saying the child is to live to you, the father could leave with the child, and he would not be acting unlawfully by doing so.

If there was no court order regulating contact arrangements, and the father had contact with the child, he could refuse to return the child; and this would not be unlawful to do so"

So basically what I read was true. I have a meeting with her next week to discuss getting a court order. Thanks all for the advice

I am surprised by what you’ve said. I thought you could get an ebf baby back very quickly. This is from women’s accounts on here of what happened to them. I do hope you will get the court order very soon.