Leaving husband 4mo baby

[SRP111]

I have come to realise that I hate my husband and every day I despise him more. I want to leave but we have a four month old baby. We are supposed to be buying a house and husband has made it clear that if I do not agree to buy the house with him he will not leave unless he can take the baby with him. He can’t afford the house on his own and says it is his dream property. If I use all my savings and go on the mortgage with him he says we can separate (he basically loves the house way more than me) but he wants the baby at least two full weeks a month even though he works full time (says he will take baby to his mum every day while he’s at work). I am breastfeeding and anyway can’t bear to be away from my son for two whole weeks every month so I’m forced to stay with him for my sons sake. He won’t sleep in separate beds either and says I can sleep in a different room if I want but away from our son. Baby wakes to breastfeed several times a night and my husband doesn’t wake up to him stirring unless he’s full blown crying. I hate the thought of him looking for me in the night and me not being there. Husband is oblivious to the fact that the baby needs his mum and says formula is better than breastfeeding anyway (think he just hates the fact that the baby needs me for something). As far as I’m aware he legally has the right to take the baby and I won’t be able to do a thing about it. He’s also got nationality of a different country and could potentially take him there where the father has full rights and mum has none. I don’t know what to do anymore. I hate that my son will grow up in an environment full of hate and arguments but I also can’t see any way out without giving up two weeks a month seeing my little boy (and potentially having my husband take him away for good).

My parents don't want any hassle so they think I should just try to keep the peace. They definitely won't want police and locks changing etc. My mum has said the stress could kill her and my dad

Op, hide the baby's passport away from the house. Never let him take the baby anywhere on his own.

You need the police, woman's aid and a solicitor in that order. For God's sake don't sign the mortgage or give him any money. Can you take the baby and to stay with friends or family. You need to get out now.

No court is going to award even 50:50 care for such a young baby. He is emotionally abusive and using this to coerce you into decisions which are not in best interest of you or your dc. Can you access legal advice or call Womens aid for help accessing it.

OP. You need professional advice. Make an appointment with Women's Aid too. They will give you great advice and help you reframe your thoughts on this issue. It sounds to me like he has ground you down.
This won't be easy, but remember this...EVERYTHING you do now, is for the safety and future happiness of your son.

Can you move out of your parents’ house, with the baby of course?

To clarify he doesn't go to work at the moment. He gets a long paternity leave on full pay and won't go back until January. He doesn't leave the house except to go to the gym occasionally. If I leave while he's at the gym I am worried what the consequences will be for my poor mum and dad who I love very much

I’m going to be harsh as your parents are ill and older, but, any parent who won’t stand up for their child and grandchild loses my respect. And it’s your life and safety, plan to get out now, get passports, don’t let them out of your sight, hide a getaway bag, when he’s at the gym, go. Inform the police.

Sending strength and love OP. You need to get your hard hat on, some legal advice and possibly police support and warn your parents what’s about to happen. 48 hours of unpleasantness is better than months / years worth of it. DO NOT buy him the house. Separate now and divorce as quickly as possible, splitting what you have.
No court will separate a breastfeeding mother from her baby - your DH is absolutely clueless if he thinks the baby is missing him or even remotely bothered where he is at 4 months. All your son needs at this point is you. Be strong and get calls made tomorrow to get you support xx

OK, yes your DH has parental rights, but you have misunderstood your reading. If your baby is so tiny and breast-fed, your DH absolutely cannot just run away with him. If the baby was older, your DH might be able to do this, but not with your son the age he is.

I am sorry that your parents are being so heartless. They would rather allow their daughter and grandson to be abused, than to have their comfy lives disturbed by telling an abusive man to leave their home. Disgraceful behaviour.

Put the baby's passport in your bag, or in the safest place in the house that you can think of. I have known people to put passports inside a sealed plastic bag, and duct-tape them inside the lid of the toilet cistern.

Honestly, if you have some money, your best bet would be to rent a safe flat for you and the baby, and get a solicitor. Your parents wont step up to help you (is this a cultural thing by any chance?), so you need to be strong for yourself and your baby. If you are anywhere near Milton Keynes /Luton / Bedford, i will come and help you.

Btw, whatever sort of job gives 7 months full pay paternity leave? That is AWESOME! Does he work for a Scandinavian company?

@funnylittlefloozie

Btw, whatever sort of job gives 7 months full pay paternity leave? That is AWESOME! Does he work for a Scandinavian company?

Possibly none. But a great excuse not to work isn't it?

Its your parents house, call the police and have him removed - the police will not allow him to take a breastfed 4 month old baby away from his mother.

You have absolutely everything you need to separate from this man, it honestly sounds like your being purposely naive.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl, you are not wrong!

It is true he gets a long paternity leave. I have seen the paperwork and also I manage most of the finances I would know if he wasn't getting paid anymore. Since we are buying this house I have also seen his payslips for the last 6 months and he is definitely on full pay

OP are you hearing what people are saying to you about going to a solicitor? You need to do this ASAP.

Paternity leave for 7 months? Sounds fishy.

Kick him the fuck out, do NOT use your savings and buy this house with him. Get a solicitors advice, you have rights and you are bf this baby. He will not be able to take your baby away from you.

See a solicitor. If you by a joint house with him your are tied financially and it will become increasingly difficult for you as that will be the family home, your childs home!

Does his pay slips just look normal or do they say paternity/other pay?

Wait! Are you on maternity or have you done joint parental leave?

I am on maternity as well. His company won a HR award for this gender equal family leave. Men and women at his company get the same amount of leave there is nothing fishy about it. I wish it was not the case because then he wouldn't be around all the time irritating me. I think part of the problem is I don't think he's a terrible person just that we have drifted apart and everything he does annoys me. Because of this I feel sorry for him and I don't want to deprive him of seeing his son but equally I don't want to be with him anymore. We are both equally horrible to each other, I am not completely blameless, but he still loves me and wants to carry on the marriage while I no longer want to be together. I think he says things about taking my son because he is scared to think that the marriage is over

My ex used to come out with all this sort of spiel. When we actually split he couldn't be arsed eith the kids, to this day he sees them once a month when it suits him, let alone have them half the time. Hes trying to scare and manipulate you into staying.

@SRP111

Are you planning to see a solicitor? This needs to be your priority, ASAP.

I will contact a solicitor tomorrow. I was under the impression that he has equal rights to parent our son but lots of people have said above that this is not true

Don’t buy a house with him. Use that money to protect yourself and your son. No court would give a dad 2 Weeks on their own even less one that is breastfeeding.

He’s not allowed to take your son without your permission , even if he’s the father and married to you. I’ve a 2.5yo son with my husband who has both our surnames. I need a paper signed by him that I’m allowed to take him out of the country with his permission, it’s never been requested but I know people have been stopped at the border to check they do have it. All parents that go away without the other person have to carry it with them. I think if he flew away on his own with such a small baby would be stopped to check everything is ok tbh and more if you had started any divorce

@TheProvincialLady

Go and see a solicitor ASAP. No court will make you separate from your breastfeeding baby, let alone for 2 weeks at a time. Your husband is most likely trying to frighten you in any case rather than actually wanting this.

Mine said crap like this. Don't put your money in.

Do you own or rent currently?
Can you go and live with family?

He will get EOW and not overnights whilst baby is small.

Don't give this man ANY money or buy a house with him. He won't get what he "wants" he will get what a court thinks is reasonable and I can tell you now -my fear was he would get 50/50 custody and the house -he didn't.