Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m a mess- did I lose my soulmate?

42 replies

Chuffaluffa · 04/10/2020 11:50

Don’t really know where to turn, am just in the process of looking for therapy, but in the meantime...

I left my husband 18 months ago, and 3 months after, quite by accident, fell for a man I worked with. Soon found out he was 21 years older than me, but by then it was too late. He left his family home (had been living separately but in same house), and we had 9 months of a very intense mutual connection. He can literally read my mind, and we are incredibly similar, despite the age gap. I ended it 3 months ago because of some red flags that I saw - I could see why his wife behaved the way she did, I could see how he manipulated things, and I knew if I stayed we would end up deeper in. And I know it sounds stupid, but he was so kind it was overwhelming. My marriage had had a distinct lack of kindness and I felt suffocated by someone caring so intensely about me. I quickly got onto OLD to reassure myself that other men would appear who I had that connection with, but I just feel lost without him- I can’t imagine ever having the same connection with anyone ever again, and neither can he. We are still very good friends and speak daily, I know he has been devastated, and now he’s on my mind constantly- I was happier than I knew I could be, and maybe than I thought I deserved to be. I was also really worried about the age gap, and terrified of him dying.

Now I know he’s on OLD it’s killing me, I can’t bear it. I know he deserves better than someone who ended it without giving him a chance, but I just can’t bear it. I keep writing him messages then deleting them because I know I shouldn’t subject him to yet more of my messing about.

Any words of wisdom, guidance or experience would be appreciated.

OP posts:
orangejuicer · 04/10/2020 11:53

Didn't want to read and run but there were red flags for a reason. He was basically your rebound guy. Have some time to yourself for a while and move on Flowers

hexmeginny · 04/10/2020 11:58

This sounds tough.
But .... red flags? You can't ignore that. You sound like you've very sensibly backed away from a relationship that in the long term will be damaging.

What were the red flags?

Perhaps therapy will help you unpick the detail and realise that this is for the best. It does sound like it's been a very intense period for you.

mallorytower · 04/10/2020 12:10

You’ve been hoovered up. That’s obsession not normal love. You said you could see why his wife acted like she did. Big Red Flag. Come on. You know that’s not normal. You know his over the top behaviour isn’t normal and can’t be sustained. You know this which is why you ended. Saying you’ll never find somebody with that connection. The connection was false and not sustainable. There are 60 million people in this country. I’d suggest getting therapy to understand why you need that intensity of emotion. Until you solve that you won’t have a healthy relationship

tinyvulture · 04/10/2020 12:24

Other than a degree of kindness that felt excessive/stifling, what were the red flags? You hint at manipulation?

Aminuts23 · 04/10/2020 12:52

OP I had a similar situation although not exactly the same. I left my ex who was emotionally abusive and very soon after started an ‘emotional’ relationship with an old friend. It was very very intense and he made himself someone I relied on too much really. I call it an emotional relationship as it never progressed beyond that. He was in my life every single day for months.
When I finally declared my feelings he told me he had a GF that he’d never told me about and just like that it was over and he was gone.
The grief was unbelievable and I was far more upset by that than the ending of my LTR. I think it was a double grief in a way. It was absolutely awful, I think I was hit by the loss of both relationships at the same time and the 2nd guy was probably a rebound distraction in reality.
I thought the 2nd guy was my soulmate at the time, my feelings were overwhelming.
Looking back years later it’s all a bit cringe and I’ve no idea why I had such strong feelings for him. He was quite manipulative really and a liar in the end. Just give yourself time and space to recover from both relationships and find your happiness by yourself. Then you’ll be ready to move on.

Original poster
Chuffaluffa · 04/10/2020 13:30

Thanks everyone, red flags- he would say something that would antagonise her (ie about a bill, etc), and then she would get stressed out and react badly, and the worse her reactions got, the calmer he because- repeatedly telling her to ‘calm down’ etc, which I found really uncomfortable as she was clearly really upset and also has mental health issues. He would do something, every so often, and swear blind that he hadn’t done it, or I’d misunderstood. One night we were away, we had come back to the room laughing and he turned with a completely different face on and said I could be a real dick when I’d had a drink. I had no idea where it had come from, and felt quite intimidated, so I went in the bathroom to calm down. While I was in there I heard the door slam. Came out assuming he’d gone out and he was still there, then claimed the door hadn’t slammed- he’d opened to check whether someone was there (??? We were in a top floor flat). Still swears that’s what he did, but it just seemed v odd behaviour, and didn’t sit right. Now I’m remembering it I’m reminding myself why I had concerns, so this has been helpful, thanks for asking me to explain!

OP posts:
MitziK · 04/10/2020 13:59

What a prick.

Lucky escape for you, I think.

Kittykat93 · 04/10/2020 14:30

He sounds like a knob.

Cuddling57 · 04/10/2020 14:37

Some love affairs are like an addiction. It may be hard whilst you're still in touch. Maybe block him?

Left marriage, met someone else then broke up (with good reason) then started OLD sounds like a lot.

You need to be your own soulmate!

newnameforthis123 · 04/10/2020 14:42

We are still very good friends and speak daily, I know he has been devastated, and now he’s on my mind constantly- I was happier than I knew I could be, and maybe than I thought I deserved to be.

But he was manipulative and you saw red flags... why are you forgetting that and focusing only on the good stuff?

It's ridiculous to be friends with him.

And he couldn't "literally read your mind" he could successfully mirror you. That's what manipulators to you hook you in.

Come on, this is silly to be rewriting history as if he's a good guy when he sounds like someone so manipulative - to the point you were worried you'd end up like his ex wife if you stayed together, which I assume means he had a hugely negative impact on her mental health?

newnameforthis123 · 04/10/2020 14:43

@Chuffaluffa

Thanks everyone, red flags- he would say something that would antagonise her (ie about a bill, etc), and then she would get stressed out and react badly, and the worse her reactions got, the calmer he because- repeatedly telling her to ‘calm down’ etc, which I found really uncomfortable as she was clearly really upset and also has mental health issues. He would do something, every so often, and swear blind that he hadn’t done it, or I’d misunderstood. One night we were away, we had come back to the room laughing and he turned with a completely different face on and said I could be a real dick when I’d had a drink. I had no idea where it had come from, and felt quite intimidated, so I went in the bathroom to calm down. While I was in there I heard the door slam. Came out assuming he’d gone out and he was still there, then claimed the door hadn’t slammed- he’d opened to check whether someone was there (??? We were in a top floor flat). Still swears that’s what he did, but it just seemed v odd behaviour, and didn’t sit right. Now I’m remembering it I’m reminding myself why I had concerns, so this has been helpful, thanks for asking me to explain!
He sounds like a psycho who gets off on being cruel? Why would you want to even be friends with someone like that, even without the dysfunctional relationship history between you?!
BlueJava · 04/10/2020 15:19

I don't think anyone can form a life-lasting connection again until the old demons are dealt with. He might seem like your soul mate that got away - but I am willing to bet the in a couple of years you'll feel a totally new and different person. Let him go, give yourself time to breathe and also give yourself time to be sad and happy by yourself. After that then see if a new relationship develops.

Branleuse · 04/10/2020 15:26

It sounds like you had great fun, but youre absolutely right to steer clear of someone who manipulates and gaslights like that for a long term relationship. You did the right thing. There is no such thing as soul mates. You will probably love several times in the course of your life. Its not a sign from the gods that youre meant to be

Doyoumind · 04/10/2020 15:32

He's definitely manipulative and he's still manipulating you. That's why you feel you have lost something but it wasn't worth having. He caught you at a vulnerable time and there will be someone else who is more genuine out there for you.

NewlyGranny · 04/10/2020 15:35

I think you've had the best of all he was able to offer and I doubt there's anything left worth having. I suspect you got out in the nick of time...

Dozer · 04/10/2020 15:39

Woman up and stop communicating with the nasty loser.

Had you been thinking straight you would’ve avoided him in the first place!

Dozer · 04/10/2020 15:47

‘They had been living separately but in same house‘ - or so he told you!

‘ very intense mutual connection‘ - most likely love bombing (red flag)

‘He can literally read my mind‘ - no he can’t.

‘we are incredibly similar‘ - v unlikely. Again, love bombing.

Slagging off his wife was another huge red flag.

‘he manipulated things’ - yes.

‘he was so kind it was overwhelming‘, ‘ I felt suffocated by someone caring so intensely about me’ - insincere ‘kindness’, ‘caring’ and intensity are other red flags.

‘ can’t imagine ever having the same connection with anyone ever again‘ - you’re being a drama llama. The ‘connection’ wasn’t real.

‘ We are still very good friends‘ - he’s not your friend, he’s a bad news loser.

‘I know he has been devastated’ - so he says.

‘ I know he deserves better‘. No: YOU do.

DeadButDelicious · 04/10/2020 15:48

I think in probably not the too distant future you will realise that you have had a lucky escape. He sounds manipulative and fond of drama. Not a catch.

For now, I would stop communication with him. You had an intense relationship and it's normal to feel a bit bereft when that ends but remember you had good reasons. Your instincts were telling you he was a wrong un. Stop engaging, block, delete and take a little time to be by yourself.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 04/10/2020 15:51

My love why are you still friends with him!!

Never ever stay close to someone who seems they can read your mind within a short space of time (e.g. under 2 years)!!! That's a sign of being a sociopath, the most dangerous people in the world are the ones who make others feel that way. Seriously that is a bigger red flag than anything else you've said tbh.

I am a highly empathetic and perceptive person - even so - I only just started to understand my dp well after a few years of spending time with him regularly. To have the sense that someone reads your mind early on, is a sign of brainwashing and manipulation, RUN and DO NOT stay friends with him. Don't even tell him you are running, just freeze him out or he will end up manipulating you more and more...

Regularsizedrudy · 04/10/2020 16:04

This man is not your soul mate. You don’t have an amazing connection, he’s just being however you want him to be so he can trick you. You’ve seen glimpses of who he really is. He’s a twat.

madcatladyforever · 04/10/2020 16:08

He isn't your soul mate, there is no such thing.
We project the things we are looking for on to the nearest available person, you want him to be your soulmate and therefore believe that is what he is. Combined with new romance intense feelings it's basically a bomb.
You need to stand back and look at the situation as it is or you will repeat the same mistakes over and over.
He sounds like a gaslighting twat anyhow. I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

user1481840227 · 04/10/2020 18:46

What he did to his wife sounds like he is a water torturer.
Those men are horrific to deal with.

I’m a mess- did I lose my soulmate?
katy1213 · 04/10/2020 18:58

You'd do far better having a year or two on your own until you've sorted yourself out. And developed stronger antennae for detecting manipulative arses like this one. Sounds like there's a good reason his ex has mental health issues!

MadamBatty · 04/10/2020 19:18

Hopefully you won’t ever have that kind of connection again as he sounds like a horrible person.

He manipulated you. What age are you& what age is he?

Original poster
Chuffaluffa · 04/10/2020 21:08

Thank you all. I’m having difficulty reconciling the perception I have with the perception you’ve got from what I’ve shared, and then I remember one of the things that made me uncomfortable was that he suddenly started doing with his kids everything that I do with my kids, and doing the things I do in my spare time, and it felt quite artificial- he assured me it was stuff he’d always wanted to do and never get round to but it didn’t seem convincing. But then he has been an incredible support to me, can you be both hugely kind and manipulative? I can’t believe that he’s a bad person, but all these responses seem pretty conclusive. Hard to accept, I guess.

Don’t want to reveal ages as massively outing, but he’s towards end of career and I’m early/mid-career.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread