I’m a mess- did I lose my soulmate?

[Chuffaluffa]

Don’t really know where to turn, am just in the process of looking for therapy, but in the meantime...

I left my husband 18 months ago, and 3 months after, quite by accident, fell for a man I worked with. Soon found out he was 21 years older than me, but by then it was too late. He left his family home (had been living separately but in same house), and we had 9 months of a very intense mutual connection. He can literally read my mind, and we are incredibly similar, despite the age gap. I ended it 3 months ago because of some red flags that I saw - I could see why his wife behaved the way she did, I could see how he manipulated things, and I knew if I stayed we would end up deeper in. And I know it sounds stupid, but he was so kind it was overwhelming. My marriage had had a distinct lack of kindness and I felt suffocated by someone caring so intensely about me. I quickly got onto OLD to reassure myself that other men would appear who I had that connection with, but I just feel lost without him- I can’t imagine ever having the same connection with anyone ever again, and neither can he. We are still very good friends and speak daily, I know he has been devastated, and now he’s on my mind constantly- I was happier than I knew I could be, and maybe than I thought I deserved to be. I was also really worried about the age gap, and terrified of him dying.

Now I know he’s on OLD it’s killing me, I can’t bear it. I know he deserves better than someone who ended it without giving him a chance, but I just can’t bear it. I keep writing him messages then deleting them because I know I shouldn’t subject him to yet more of my messing about.

Any words of wisdom, guidance or experience would be appreciated.

can you be both hugely kind and manipulative? - yes. Often the two elements can rub along ok in one person, and not cause too much damage - but often, the kindness ceases once dependence has started. You're left with a cruel person and a relationship that can feel as if its killing you.

You will be ok. Just stay away from him. He doesn't have to agree with you or give you approval to end the friendship - he doesn't even have to know you're done.

He's a gaslighter and mind-fuck. You really need to recognise that the incidents you have shared are to destabilise you. He's kind to the point of smothering because that's how it works - how could a manipulator ever get close enough to mess with you otherwise?

You cannot expect to move on from the guy while you're still in extensive contact - you need to go no contact and really give yourself a chance.

Thank you all. I’m going to try to stop talking to him, but right now that feels like being on a desert island and setting loose my only life raft. I will try. I can’t imagine a life where I could depend on myself, but it sounds good. Thank you.

Sorry to go a bit Yoda on you, but there is no try, only do.

Perhaps you should get some counselling. It's really concerning that you feel you cannot depend on yourself and that will lead you into clinging on to guys like this or ending up with someone similar.

You need to build up your self-esteem and your "shark cage" for relationships. shark cage analogy

"I can’t imagine a life where I could depend on myself, but it sounds good."

Why not? As @category12 said - that is really concerning and makes you extremely vulnerable. All adults have to be capable of depending on themselves. That's is literally what being an adult is about. I wonder whether that's why you became so close to someone 21 years your senior - because at some level it felt like he was the adult in the relationship and relieved you of the necessity of being an adult yourself.

Don't be taken in by chemistry. Healthy chemistry can and does exist but just be aware that dysfunctional people often generate overwhelming chemistry - all that intensity and uncertainty and emotional chaos often leads to great chemistry. But it is unhealthy and unsustainable.

He does sound like a Water Torturer. You might also be interested in "The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets Into Her Head". The incident you describe in the hotel room - that's really creepy. Manipulative, nasty and controlling.

Best to detach from him completely now. Chalk this up to experience. A relationship like this can be a very good lesson in what to avoid. You were brave and strong - despite the feelings, you paid attention to the red flags and you ended it. You'll be fine. But do work on believing in yourself and being willing to depend on yourself.

Have a look at mirroring in relationships too. It's to draw you in and is NOT real.

You definitely need to cut contact. And no, you have not lost your soulmate. These incidents that you describe would only have got worse. Well done for ending it.

OP I could not live with someone who clearly caused another person to stress the way he did to his wife. How awfully cruel.

You did the right thing really you did. You deserve better than him and his wife is lucky to be rid.

So he's on OLD ? So what ? I feel sorry for the next lady he hoodwinks

That hotel incident is distressingly reminiscent of the way XH used to operate. I wouldn't have any idea what I was supposed to have done wrong either - and I probably hadn't. It just seemed as if I was having a nice carefree evening and it was time to cut me back down to size. Heaven forbid I should be feeling good about myself without his direct input. He'd make me feel bad, then "forgive" me and make me feel good again, so the last thing I'd remember was how comforting he was. It took far too long to work out that he was what made me feel bad in the first place.

Remember, he even showed you how it works on his wife. A few years of that and you will be in the same place. Your first reaction was right; don't argue yourself out of it. It was bad and he not only will do it to you, he already is. Run away, run away.

Run run run. Things will only get worse with someone like him. Like others have said the connection wasn’t real. He’s not the person you hope he is. Take some time for yourself and pick up some new hobbies to fill your time.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC,

Well said. He is lacking empathy for his wife which is another tick for personality disorders. There is something called cognitive empathy that some abusers have.. indeed they appear to read minds so well.

"A psychopath/sociopath can have a very high form of cognitive empathy, too. In fact, they are very good at reading other people. They seem like they can read minds sometimes. But even though they can understand people's emotions, it doesn't register emotionally with them—they have no emotional empathy"

Op, Well done for seeing what he was doing to his wife and standing your ground. His attitude to her would be transferred to you after a few years. She will have had the lovebombing you were subjected to and then once she was committed to him his behaviour would have changed. Her mental health issues may even have been caused by his manipulation. I was on ADs whilst married when the underlying reason was the emotional abuse I was suffering. Once I dropped all contact with him my mental health recovered.

It takes a while to recover from being in a relationship with someone who is personality disordered. You will recover and you will be wiser in the future.

When you have been starved of emotional intimacy (you say your husband was not nice) it is very common to feel intense emotions for the first person who gives you what you have been craving for so long. But the red flags you have listed sound worrying and you should have absolute faith that you did the right thing. You are clearly a very strong person and I would not worry that you won't feel a connection with someone else again in time

You were all so wise last time. I went back - twice. We've had three or four major arguments in that time (one about him telling me 'you're an insolent cunt sometimes, and it's really fucking ugly', and then promising me it was 'just a joke, as if he'd say something intentionally hurtful'). He's also been incredibly kind, has given me access to his credit card, provided financial support and a dream of a future that I know I'm going to have to give up because the red flags are getting more and more apparent. But it's still so hard to reconcile the person who talks to me for hours about how much he adores me and how wonderful I am, and how he's got my back always, with the one who publicly embarrasses me.

This time apparently he was embarrassed by me being drunk (I'd had a really hard week and have an alcohol intolerance, I had too many drinks to help deal with a difficult family situation) - he reprimanded me in front of my parents, telling me to 'stop being rude' because he thought i was being badly behaved towards my dad for giggling (I wasn't, and would never, be rude to my dad). Then he tells me he told me not to hit me, and I'd hit him, and I know he's a survivor of domestic abuse - how could I? This all while I was still drunk, so I responded with something churlish, not having remembered hitting him, or him telling me not to. He then is 'shocked to his core' by my reaction - I was 'mocking domestic abuse', apparently. Neither my dad or the other people who were there thought I was being rude, or saw me hit him, or heard him tell me not to hit him. He encouraged me to have a good drink, promised he'd look after me (he loves me 'exactly how I am', of course) and I just needed to get the hard week out of my system, now he's mad that I'm marginalising something I don't remember happening, and can't forgive me for it.

I don't know why I'm sharing this, it just feels helpful - I know the picture it adds up to. I guess I feel horrified by the thought that the future we had promised each other is looking increasingly impossible, I've vacillated in and out of his and his children's lives, and I can't explain to anyone what his behaviour is like - I just look emotionally unstable, and he remains the victim. I guess if anyone is reading this then just see the warning signs that I had, and tried to ignore, and do better than i have done in resisting the promises made by a manipulator.

This bloke is getting off on the fact he can be your older/wiser sugar daddy and give you his card and look after you- silly little thing that you are (his view I believe) . I think it makes him feel powerful and good for the ego that a much younger woman is interested. You sound a little bit immature OP and it sounds to me like he gets a buzz from telling you what a silly girl you are

Soul mates don't come with red flags. Full stop.

Manipulators and abusers make you feel wary when you're with them, and like you've had a limb amputated when you're not.

Get very very far from this man.

The real question is about your response to red flags. Have you any idea why you would say (and feel) 'There are red flags here, but I want to stay because xyz'? What's underneath that feeling? Where does it come from?

OP just focus on your therapy and make a conscious choice to stop fixating on men (yes it is a choice). Forget about relationships and ruminating on the past until you've finished the therapy process. You're too vulnerable right now to date anyone. You will just attract abusers.

@chuffaluffa

You were all so wise last time. I went back - twice. We've had three or four major arguments in that time (one about him telling me 'you're an insolent cunt sometimes, and it's really fucking ugly', and then promising me it was 'just a joke, as if he'd say something intentionally hurtful'). He's also been incredibly kind, has given me access to his credit card, provided financial support and a dream of a future that I know I'm going to have to give up because the red flags are getting more and more apparent. But it's still so hard to reconcile the person who talks to me for hours about how much he adores me and how wonderful I am, and how he's got my back always, with the one who publicly embarrasses me.

This time apparently he was embarrassed by me being drunk (I'd had a really hard week and have an alcohol intolerance, I had too many drinks to help deal with a difficult family situation) - he reprimanded me in front of my parents, telling me to 'stop being rude' because he thought i was being badly behaved towards my dad for giggling (I wasn't, and would never, be rude to my dad). Then he tells me he told me not to hit me, and I'd hit him, and I know he's a survivor of domestic abuse - how could I? This all while I was still drunk, so I responded with something churlish, not having remembered hitting him, or him telling me not to. He then is 'shocked to his core' by my reaction - I was 'mocking domestic abuse', apparently. Neither my dad or the other people who were there thought I was being rude, or saw me hit him, or heard him tell me not to hit him. He encouraged me to have a good drink, promised he'd look after me (he loves me 'exactly how I am', of course) and I just needed to get the hard week out of my system, now he's mad that I'm marginalising something I don't remember happening, and can't forgive me for it.

I don't know why I'm sharing this, it just feels helpful - I know the picture it adds up to. I guess I feel horrified by the thought that the future we had promised each other is looking increasingly impossible, I've vacillated in and out of his and his children's lives, and I can't explain to anyone what his behaviour is like - I just look emotionally unstable, and he remains the victim. I guess if anyone is reading this then just see the warning signs that I had, and tried to ignore, and do better than i have done in resisting the promises made by a manipulator.

So you're still with him?

You don't have to be.

Cut and run.