Boring relationship

[openhearts]

Can it ever work long term if you find your relationship or DP boring? We’ve been together for 3 years both early 30’s with a 6 month DD.

I know relationships eventually settle into a normal routine and loose the initial excitement so I’m not looking for passion and fireworks but I’m always bored in DPs company. I don’t look forward to spending time with him. He’s not the best communicator so we never really get lost in conversation or sit and talk about anything deep, inspiring, anything he’s passionate about the only thing we seem to have in common is DD. I often just feel like I’m talking at him rather than it being a two way conversation. I actually dread long car journeys with him and even sitting in a restaurant I hate being that couple that hardly talk and on date nights I’m often looking around wondering what others are talking about around us. I’ve never felt this way when out with friends/family and even male friends I’m never actually bored in anyone’s company or have time to be looking around in a restaurant. I’ve never had this problem in past relationships either.

DD is in bed and he’s been asleep on the sofa since 9pm like most weekends. I just feel so alone at times. I’ve spoken to him about it and he said it’s just the way he is, he works 6 days a week and when he’s home just likes to do nothing, do DD’s bed time routine then fall asleep. I don’t think we even have an hour in the day where we truly connect. His dad is the same and is the type to only speak when spoken to so I hate to think this will be my life forever. It’s like he isn’t passionate or curious about anything in life. I don’t want a relationship like his DM and DF I just can’t live like that. I feel like I’m giving up a part of myself just so DD grows up in a family unit but at the same time I worry she’ll grow up thinking this is normal and then repeat the pattern.

I’m not asking for a fairytale romance just some type of connection would be nice :(

You've not mentioned love, or anything good about him... that's a bad sign surely?

Good, you're only three years in! Still honeymoon period!

And he shows no signs of wanting to change things to make you happy?

Looks like you have some hard thinking to do.

You’re not with the right person for you I’m afraid. You want a lot more from life. Sad as it is it’s time to move on x

Was he always this way? If yes and you’ve only just realised what you’ve signed up for I feel sorry for him. If he’s genuinely a decent man who loves you but has always been an introvert then you’ve made a mistake but he will suffer the fall out of a break up.
Better you split if you’re so unhappy. Sad for all involved but probably necessary since you clearly want out and don’t have any good words about him.

I couldn’t live like that, but I know someone whose idea of bliss is to be dozing on the sofa with the remote control at 5.30 on Friday, sure in the knowledge that nothing more will be required of him till he goes to work on Monday. He’s now divorced, and still dozing on the sofa, now in another house.

I’d cut my losses, OP. It’s no way to live.

You’re not compatible! Get out now while your DD is still young

I agree with others - sounds like you’re not compatible. If you have a 6 month old and have only been together 3 years, it sounds like things happened rather fast (given the 9 month gestation period). Was your pregnancy planned or is there an element of you having stayed together because you became pregnant when you might otherwise have parted by now?

It’s only going to get worse. I dated someone like this for a while. He was kind and a good person (and extremely handsome!) but in the end, the lack of connection/communication wore me down. He had no joy about him, I completely identified with what you said about your partner not being curious or passionate about anything. We would go on dates to cool places but he would just be bored. I think you need to move on. You don’t want your daughter growing up and either turning out the same, or thinking a relationship like this is acceptable.

Could this be situational? Is he exhausted working full under stress with COVID and a new baby? Are you alone on mat leave cut off from family and friends due to COVID? Are you bored with life more generally? Has motherhood and any restrictions been a shock to you?

If you have already considered the above then dont let this fester and end up leading you to create a bitter and contemptuous atmosphere.

It doesn’t have to get nasty.

If it does your DD will sense, absorb and be emotionally distressed by that.

Just know that you are not compatible. You don’t meet each other’s needs and wants.

No need to blame or shame.

You are different people someone else will not find him boring.

Move on with dignity, kindness and respect for your DDs sake.

I agree with PP - where is the love - was there ever any of it has just evaporated overnight or slowly drained away?

It will be important to reflect on how you slept walked into and through this relationship into parenthood. Was this all you thought you deserved?

My fil is like this. Not a bad person but silent and makes no conversational effort whatsoever. God knows how mil bears it but she’s slightly odd too.

Dh is the best company of anyone I know we chat all the time. Your relationship sounds like death by a thousand cuts. Why on earth did you not dump at dating stage?

If he's boring why did you have a child with him?

So now you are going to devastate him by fucking off with the baby?

I’ve ended longish relationships because of boredom - I think it’s potentially quite destructive and not fair on either person to drag things on in a way that will make life unhappy. It sounds as if you’re right to be thinking seriously about what you want in the longer term.

Hello from a male and an outside the box point of view, I would lessen your interest in him, then he will notice this “as your normal daily pattern begins to chance“ he will wonder why and then IF he’s interested he will challenge your change and you have an opportunity to put things right in your lives..IF he doesn’t then stay on the new track and do things that you want to do..live your life as it’s so short we all know this but don’t be a robot...pls

Pre marriage had the odd date with men like this - never a second date. How did it get this far?

This sounds unbearable and unrescuable I’m sad to say OP. you can’t waste your life with someone who bores you and he can’t waste his with someone who despises him.

Gosh that's depressing. What was it like at the beginning? You're wasting both your lives.

I don’t look forward to spending time with him

Why did you settle down with someone you find boring and you dread spending time alone with?

Really everything about your post is really quite unsettling.

Did you mean to have a child with him? You don't mention that he has changed or that the relationship was ever exciting.

It doesn't sound recoverable so I think you should get ready to leave.

Was he like this before DD came along? What attracted you to him in the first place?
6 months into parenthood is not the time to judge your relationship. Whatever is going on now definitely won't last forever. You don't talk about this side of things in your post OP but, to apply some sweeping generalisations, really no one (not you or him) is at their best in the first year or two of becoming parents; and often either or both of you would actually be a bit off their head at this stage on stress, emotions, hormones, lack of sleep, life turning upside down etc. These things are true even if you longed for DD and she is an angel.
Don't be hasty.
Be kind to him.
Look after yourself- what do you need right now that you aren't getting? How can you get what you need if he isn't able to do that right now? Eg see a mate or get a haircut or see a counsellor or reconnect with a hobby/interest you have lost or ask DH to help or book a family holiday/minibreak etc

If all else fails get him drunk and play cards against humanity, have a good giggle.

You just need to reconnect with him. But he might be struggling emotionally with fatherhood and you can't judge him for this.

Thank you all for the replies I wasn’t expecting so many :)

Yes I completely sleep walked into this. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family so without trying to make excuses I’ve never really known what a stable relationship is. I thought a “normal” relationship was supposed to be boring. He’s a good person, a loving dad, good provider and I do love him but he was very forceful perusing me, he told me he loved me within a week, pressured me to let him move in very quickly and the whole relationship was rushed. I feel like we skipped the fun dating part getting to know each other as he just wanted someone in his life. I fell pregnant (was on the pill) so I never had time to stop and question the connection everything just happened. He was going through some problems with his business when we first got together so I thought he was just preoccupied and stressed and that once the issues were sorted we would connect more. Nothing changed and something has just always felt our of sync when with him.

I’m often left so frustrated trying to have conversations with him as I either get a grunt, a one word reply and sometimes just outright ignored. Any fears or concerns I have in life are always brushed off, I’m told to just think positive end of conversation. He isn’t my go to person for advice and I don’t feel he’s my “best friend”. I don’t dislike him and I’m never horrible to him, we never argue as I don’t even think we have that emotional level in the relationship to argue about anything anyway. I just feel alone in his company most of the time and it’s hard to feel like I’m actually in love when there isn’t anything to grab on to so to speak.

Our DD is a dream, sleeps through the night and is the most perfect baby. I don’t often feel stressed parenting. I still meet up with friends and family but when I do I find myself almost thinking “wow this is how a normal al conversation should be” it’s always refreshing being around people I can communicate with but it always highlights the fact that normal communication is missing at home.

I don’t want to hurt anyone! I’ll sacrifice my needs for him and especially DD as long as it means she has a stable upbringing. He’s a great dad as she’s still a baby but I worry that as she gets older and starts talking that she’ll also feel she can’t talk to him or connect with him. Nothing will change unless I decide to leave which would be horrible for everyone I would feel so selfish. I’ve tried to talk to him about how I feel but it’s just his personality, I can’t expect him to change his personality. I just feel stuck now.

Hi op

Who owns rents the home? What would happen if you told him to leave ?

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did yours teach you?.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family did you an awful lot of harm and the effects of all this perpetuate to this very day. You were not shown a emotionally healthy relationship and you still do not know what a normal respectful relationship is like now. Going to present day your boundaries, already skewed by your childhood, were further eroded by this individual who also targeted you deliberately. Your childhood was extremely attractive to such a man and he honed in on you accordingly. The red flags present in the early days of your relationship were sadly simply not recognised. You in turn are likely confusing love with codependency but his needs are NOT more important than yours here.
Do not further sacrifice your needs or those of your DD on his altar for some semblance of a "normal upbringing" because she won't get that with him either. Do you want to teach your DD that a loveless relationship will be her norm too?. No.

Would you want your child as an adult to be with a man like this?. No you probably would not but currently at least you are showing her that this treatment of you is still acceptable to you on some level.

The relationship you are in is no good for you and in turn your daughter. What do you want to teach her about relationships and what will she be learning from you two here about same?. I would urge you to get therapy to free your own self from your abusive childhood and start to heal properly. This man won't ever let you heal; he likes having you around so he can abuse you and otherwise mistreat you as he sees fit.

You are not stuck really, you only perceive that you are. Abuse also is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. Like your parents did, this man wants absolute power and control over you and your DD too. He does not care for either of you. Women in poor relationships too also write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

You cannot change him but you can and should certainly change how you react to him. You state that you do not want to hurt anyone but you will hurt your own self more along with your DD if you choose to stay with this man for what are really your own reasons. Do not do that to yourself or her. You are not selfish for wanting a better life for you and in turn she!!!. If anyone is selfish here its your H, not you.

Family units as well come in all shapes and sizes; its not all picket fence and 2.4 children. Better to be on your own with your child than to remain so badly accompanied. It would be no legacy to leave your DD either if you were to remain with this man now.

I don’t want to hurt anyone! I’ll sacrifice my needs for him and especially DD as long as it means she has a stable upbringing

You will hurt EVERYONE if you do this - but mostly your DD.

She will sense your suffocation, disappointment, growing contempt and absorb it as her own spirit.

I feel sorry for the both of you.

6 days a week? What does he do for a living? Could it bee that his job is sucking the life out of him and he spends all his home time recharging?