Boring relationship

[openhearts]

Can it ever work long term if you find your relationship or DP boring? We’ve been together for 3 years both early 30’s with a 6 month DD.

I know relationships eventually settle into a normal routine and loose the initial excitement so I’m not looking for passion and fireworks but I’m always bored in DPs company. I don’t look forward to spending time with him. He’s not the best communicator so we never really get lost in conversation or sit and talk about anything deep, inspiring, anything he’s passionate about the only thing we seem to have in common is DD. I often just feel like I’m talking at him rather than it being a two way conversation. I actually dread long car journeys with him and even sitting in a restaurant I hate being that couple that hardly talk and on date nights I’m often looking around wondering what others are talking about around us. I’ve never felt this way when out with friends/family and even male friends I’m never actually bored in anyone’s company or have time to be looking around in a restaurant. I’ve never had this problem in past relationships either.

DD is in bed and he’s been asleep on the sofa since 9pm like most weekends. I just feel so alone at times. I’ve spoken to him about it and he said it’s just the way he is, he works 6 days a week and when he’s home just likes to do nothing, do DD’s bed time routine then fall asleep. I don’t think we even have an hour in the day where we truly connect. His dad is the same and is the type to only speak when spoken to so I hate to think this will be my life forever. It’s like he isn’t passionate or curious about anything in life. I don’t want a relationship like his DM and DF I just can’t live like that. I feel like I’m giving up a part of myself just so DD grows up in a family unit but at the same time I worry she’ll grow up thinking this is normal and then repeat the pattern.

I’m not asking for a fairytale romance just some type of connection would be nice :(

I was with my XP for eight years (not living together) and he was like this. He was so totally complacent with 'having a girlfriend' that he thought he had to put in literally zero effort once he'd got one. I used (and this is awful) to have to drink half a bottle of wine just to be able to spend an evening in his company. He thought spending five or six hours watching TV in silence was how couples spent their time.

Because that's how his parents are. They are rarely in the same room together, NEVER talk to one another, and just live separate lives.

I had to leave him. He was a lovely man, kind and generous and practical, but he had absolutely no idea how to behave in a relationship. Your DD won't thank you for bringing her up in the kind of relationship my ex had, and it will perpetuate, as SHE won't know how to behave in a normal relationship - she will learn from you that distance and a vague level of contempt is normal and it is what she will look for.

I don’t want to hurt anyone! I’ll sacrifice my needs for him and especially DD as long as it means she has a stable upbringing

Do not do this. This is unsustainable. Your daughter wants a whole mother, not a half mother, lonely in her soul. Someone else on here had a great description of staying in a bad relationship - it slowly corrodes you like water over stone. You don't want to be that.

Your daughter is on only six months old! She will in NO WAY be adversely affected by you splitting up (research shows children under the age of 7 are not really affected by parental splits and your daughter is a baby). Two household families are very ordinary nowadays. it will be her normal and the normal for other children she knows.
She will GAIN by having a happy mother living a life she enjoys.

I’ll sacrifice my needs for him
unless I decide to leave which would be horrible for everyone I would feel so selfish

You matter too. What you have internalised is the idea that women should be self-sacrificing, totally negate themselves for others and be prepared to be miserable for the happiness of others. Is that what you want for your daughter? If not, you need to model this by not accepting it for yourself. Teach your daughter to be strong and belief she matters by teaching yourself first.

it will perpetuate, as SHE won't know how to behave in a normal relationship - she will learn from you that distance and a vague level of contempt is normal and it is what she will look for.

So instead she should learn that you should chuck in a relationship with a decent person just because you don't like their personality any more

So instead she should learn that you should chuck in a relationship with a decent person just because you don't like their personality any more

Oh for goodness sake, what a disgraceful comment. No-one is obliged to stay in a relationship with someone they no longer like to be with. Yes, absolutely we should teach our daughters (and sons) to end relationships with people whose personalities they no longer like!
100% yes!

No-one should form a relationship with someone they think is 'decent' but whom they don't like or don't enjoy the company of. And actually, no 'decent' person would WANT someone to be in a relationship with them if that person didn't like them but were only staying as they felt obliged to as the person was 'decent.' Who the hell wants someone to stay with them on those terms?!

If this was always his personality in some way, you need to take responsibility yourself for not breaking it off earlier at the dating stage. No one forced you to continue to date him, no one forced you to move in with him, no one forced you to have sex with him and get pregnant. You said yourself your other relationships were different from this so no reason why you didnt act when you didnt feel in sync. Feel sorry for him and your DD to be honest

@neversayalways

I don’t want to hurt anyone! I’ll sacrifice my needs for him and especially DD as long as it means she has a stable upbringing

Do not do this. This is unsustainable. Your daughter wants a whole mother, not a half mother, lonely in her soul. Someone else on here had a great description of staying in a bad relationship - it slowly corrodes you like water over stone. You don't want to be that.

Your daughter is on only six months old! She will in NO WAY be adversely affected by you splitting up (research shows children under the age of 7 are not really affected by parental splits and your daughter is a baby). Two household families are very ordinary nowadays. it will be her normal and the normal for other children she knows.
She will GAIN by having a happy mother living a life she enjoys.

Sorry this is just utterly wrong. Of course she's going to be affected by growing up in a broken home, being brought up with parents who are not together anymore and spending her entire childhood being shunted between two homes!

My main concern is what’s best for DD I don’t want to make the wrong decision for her either way. And I don’t want to not be my happiest self because I know the feeling of growing up with an unhappy mother and I know it’s damaging.

I’ve never had a communication issue in any previous relationship but my last relationship was a toxic mess. I wanted / craved stability and even though I had my doubts in the beginning I thought it was just because of my own issues. I should have definitely gone to therapy before starting a new relationship and I really wish that was something I had done. I thought in time everything would be fine and we would build more of a connection once I got used to being in a “normal” relationship and his problems went away.

I felt safe in a relationship with him at the beginning but even he broke my trust not long after I found out I was pregnant. That would have been the end if it wasn’t pregnant tbh. He’s not exactly an angel I have made allowances for certain behaviours only because I was pregnant but this is a long term issue that I’m not sure I can live with for the rest of my life. I 100% take responsibility for where I am right now no one has forced anything on me but he did put pressure on me to move the relationship faster than I was comfortable with I really wish I had listened to my gut rather than doubting my own feelings. I have some serious boundary issues I can see that myself just reading these back. I guess therapy is the best place for me to start figuring this out.

When you said hes not exactly an angel what did you mean?

Of course she's going to be affected by growing up in a broken home

She's already IN a broken home. Her parents don't love or even particularly like each other. Better to be from a "broken" home than in one.

OP can you look into getting counselling now to help you find a way forward?

Sorry this is just utterly wrong. Of course she's going to be affected by growing up in a broken home, being brought up with parents who are not together anymore and spending her entire childhood being shunted between two homes!

No its not. Find the research yourself for under sevens where the parents split and read it. Or talk to one of the many, many children who live in two parent households and are perfectly happy. I've even spoken to friends who grew up like this and said they loved it. She won't be living in a 'broken home' if they split, she'll be living in 'fixed' homes. Her home is broken now as she is living with adults in a relationship that has run its course and who don't speak and where the mother is miserable. That's really not a better alternative.

OP, I totally understand how your upbringing led you to make the choices you did. Its great that you can reflect on this and recognise it. That means you are growing as a person. It will really help you in future relationships.

What on earth did you see in him to marry him? Surely this must have reared it's head before you got married/
Personally I wouldn't waste one more second on this marriage. You will not change him and you will just slowly die inside.
I'd be off like a star shaped dot on the horizon.

OP has already described how her upbringing and background led to her being in this relationship. If you can't be bothered reading this or are incapable of sufficient empathy to understand this, then perhaps it is best not to comment.

I am impressed with OPs self-insight and reflection. She deserves to be congratulated on this for what it means for a better future for her, not condemned for her past.

In conclusion, he's boring, you can't stand to be in his company and you don't trust him 100%?

For the sake of you and your DD, you need to make plans to separate. I cannot see one reason why you wouldn't.

Good luck OP