Help with unsolicited advice

[Thundercats77]

First time poster.
Currently 36 weeks pregnant and have been married for a year now. MIL does give unsolicited advice at the best of times and now is giving more so as the clock is ticking down to the baby arriving. I have up until now just nodded and done my own thing anyway but I can see I'm getting progressively irritated by the advice she is giving. The fact that my own mother doesn't give advice unless asked for makes it all that much harder.

There are other issues also that are really grinding on me and are all coming to a head now which I had ignored before (I think my hormones are really coming into play). The fact that she constantly wants wants wants or needs things and normally this will involve my DH having to buy them.
She has more than enough money get these things herself as DH has been giving her an allowance of £400/month ever since he was 18 (he's now 40) she gets state pension, she gets disability allowance, DH also gives her the rent from a property that he has (£1000 a month)and my FIL earns around £2000 cash in hand which she has access too and they don't have a mortgage to pay for.

We get told that we need to look at our future and buy our own place (currently renting) but somehow it's still acceptable to take the allowances from DH.

I was on furlough and then made redundant I am now relying on DH (but don't make silly demands). PIL are aware of this but again the want want want of things has not stopped and we were told you will be OK. No acknowledgement of you guys are going to have a kid so stop paying us and you keep the money.

At the moment it's not effecting me and DH financially but I do feel that this money could be going towards my DC once its here.

Once the baby is here and if it does effect us financially then I will have to have a discussion of sorts with DH as at the moment it is his earned money and he can do what he wants with it.

How does anyone manage not to lose their cool? Hints and tips will be appreciated please.

Sorry for the really long post. Did not want to drip feed. Hopefully it makes sense?

Why is he paying for his parents?!

He gives her what now! WTAF

Why does he do this?

That's insane. Stop all payments to her immediately

I've never heard of a situation in which someone gives their parents (is your fil your dh's dad?) 1400 quid a month, especially if they have no mortgage.

If they're retired they're supposed to be getting by on their pensions, are they not.

How has this come about?

And all this while he's renting!

His rental income from the property he owns should be paying his/your rent or ideally a mortgage.

I think you need to have this conversation with him NOW before the baby arrives, yes he's the main earner but you're a family so surely you should have input into how the money is spent

Surely that 1000 from the rental property could be going into a trust fund for little one instead 🤷‍♀️

Either way it makes no sense you guys living in rented accommodation as it tends to cost more and it shouldn't take long to save up a deposit if he stops subsidising his parents

You and your DH need a long, calm conversation about family demands. He is not just someone's child now, he is a parent and he needs to change his mindset to reflect that!

His parents are weird... you know that!

How do you address each persons question and reply on this sorry I am very green and this is my first time posting and replying.

@Thundercats77, to reply directly type @ - this diaplays a list. Pick the username from the list.

displays.

You might need to type a few characters from the username for it to show on the list.

Alternatively, click Quote on the right hand side of where it shows the username.

Is he from a different culture where giving your parents money is the norm?

I would not be happy with that at all to be honest

@MikeUniformMike
Wohoo thank you x

@Thundercats77, you're welcome.
Your situation is unusual. Good luck with the baby, Not long now.

You have some unusual thinking going on.

You are married with a baby on the way yet you talk about "his" money. Marriage means all money is family money legally. Most regard it that way morally too. Having children usually affects one parent's earning power (usually the woman), hence the importance of marriage.

You don't mention what DH thinks about giving money to his parents, what his limits are, what he says about it.

You rent but give money to mortgage free home owners who have their own income. That needs talking about now.

@Dollyrocket

Why is he paying for his parents?!

This is what he has pretty much always done. Apparently he has got a lot better since we've been married. I think it has become such a habit for PIL that they clearly think nothing of it.

@wishywashywoowoo70

He gives her what now! WTAF

Why does he do this?

That's insane. Stop all payments to her immediately

Yep! it's more the constant asking to buy the other things be it small or big that annoy me. You have your allowance buy it yourself! If we were struggling for money and he has also said this, he would stop the £400.

How do you do your family budget? Do you ever do a last year check up? In our house seeing the X thousand pounds a year to them vs our savings vs our rent etc would strengthen both our spines against this spending. I'd go at it from that budget point of view as it seems you are giving them 16k per annum planned and even more unplanned. That could soon make a nice house deposit for you.

@GilbertMarkham

I've never heard of a situation in which someone gives their parents (is your fil your dh's dad?) 1400 quid a month, especially if they have no mortgage.

If they're retired they're supposed to be getting by on their pensions, are they not.

How has this come about?

I haven't either unless you are living under your parents roof in which case, you should contribute. FIL is indeed DH father. £1400+MIL state pension +her disability allowance +FIL untaxed £2000 Minimum income.

They have more of a monthly income coming in than me and my DH.

DH has his own business and pays himself £2000 into our joint acoount. we both used to put a grand in each and we are able to pay rent bills shopping eating out etc etc.

This has come about as he has seen his parents struggling when he was growing up so he wanted to do something nice for them (since he was 18) and as he didn't need the extra money prior to meeting and marrying me he decided to give the rental income to them also so they could live comfortably and it has continued ever since.

@Acdcccc

I think you need to have this conversation with him NOW before the baby arrives, yes he's the main earner but you're a family so surely you should have input into how the money is spent

Surely that 1000 from the rental property could be going into a trust fund for little one instead 🤷‍♀️

Either way it makes no sense you guys living in rented accommodation as it tends to cost more and it shouldn't take long to save up a deposit if he stops subsidising his parents

I find this whole situation very difficult. I've gone very primal since becoming pregnant thinking all the money should now go towards our baby and its future.

As we are not financially hit by this at the moment, my logic is wait for the baby to come, the expenditure will go up and Then I can say we need to stop payments to PIL.

Re buying our own place. Things had been put on the back burner due to covid and now we will wait until the baby is a little older to start looking again.

@CuriousaboutSamphire we had a conversation this morning as I had a strop yesterday while PIL were here due to the unsolicited advice in which he had told me that he gets sick of the demands too and that he has go a lot better since we have been married and now asks MIL for her credit card when she tells him to buy her x y and z.

I'm waiting for the baby to come and see if his mind set changes. If it doesn't, then I will need to have another conversation with him (then I will probably need everyone's advice again)

It is not your standard family is it?
So which is the arrangement they have for the future? Will your husband inherit it all or most? Is this money exchanged between them invested and then to be passed to your DH later on, so basically to your own children? Surely they do not need that much for every day living?!
Also, if they get to ask for what they want, so do you. My number one in the list would be a property, your own house rather than renting. A place where your child can hang whatever they like in their room. And you do not need to stress about hand marks in the corridor when you have a check up.
On the unsolicited advice. Nod and smile, you are doing great so far!

Just read your new posts.
Pity about your own property! I hope the wait is worthy and you find a lovely one later on!
As per your own DH already changing things, it looks like it will sort itself and the money will come to your child indeed. It is normal to feel like this when you have a child. You want them safe and secure. It is the right mindset.
Give your in laws a chance to change though. You may find that things change and now that they are in a good finantial position (and must feel really gratefull to their son!) they will help you with the house and baby things.

@CarolVordermansBum
Love the username! We are both of Indian origin. But I have not know anyone who is British born Asian to do this. I was divorced and had moved back in with my parents. I made sure I contributed to the household bills etc even though my parents protested but thats because I was living under their roof. Initially I thought the £400 was quite sweet. But then I only found out about the £1000 about 4 months ago.

When baby comes you will both be more stressed, more primal, more exhausted.

Never leave anything until the baby is here on grounds of it being too stressful to deal with in pregnancy.

Nothing is easier when the baby is here.

I would open it up as a question to him now. At what point does he anticipate the £1.4k going to college fund, own house etc? Not a row, not a talking to, not an airing of bad blood, a simple open reasonable question.

@TorkTorkBam it's not putting it off because it's stressful during pregnancy more of a once the baby is here you will see for yourself that we will have increased expenses and that you will need to pay yourself more and now maybe you should put the £1400 towards us.

I think I would need to ask him considering PIL get all the other money and they have no mortgage why does he still need to give them money/our needs are greater than theirs.

He has said that if we are financially struggling then he will stop paying them but I don't know when this will be.

@MushMonster
Both DH and SIL will inherit the house and money. It makes me wonder if they actually will change as when they found out I had been made redundant they didn't stop him making payments to them or making demands for extr things. I don't think they are grateful as they are still asking for things. Big purchases ie I need a foodi ninja (which she had brought previously, said it was rubbish, returned it then we were given one by my DS as a wedding gift then she had to have it) DH will say give me your credit card then.

It's the small things and the constant asking for things...

I want a sewing machine you didn't buy me a birthday pressie this year.
When you go shopping buy me olive oil from Costco, giggling and saying its too expensive you can get it for me. Coming round to our house give me some bread I've run out (we live near a supermarket) oh i'll have that apple too. I need these cleaning products that you can get from the Internet order it for me. I have no meat left get me some (£100) a month. Oh I need a tiny bottle of water like the one you have. Me you can get it from mcdonald's. MIL, DS get it for me. And it goes on.....and adds up.