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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can leaving an abuser ruin your life?

43 replies

XmasIsNear · 03/10/2020 19:55

I'm in two minds about whether I should contact womens aid or stay with my child's abusive father.

If I leave, then he could abuse DC during overnight stays and theres nothing I can do.

If I stay, then I'll have to put up with the mental torture, financial abuse and live an isolated life but at least I can step in if he tries to hurt DC.

I would love to leave and for DC to forget about his existence but DC loves him and would no doubt want to have him in their life.

OP posts:
Songsofexperience · 03/10/2020 19:59

I know, really know what you're saying, but staying with him will ruin your life and that of your DC for sure.

dublingirl66 · 03/10/2020 20:09

No
You both leave

You make sure you notify authorities regarding what he has done

And you insist on supervised access if any

Do t let him win
Go have a peaceful life

I did it

Now waiting for my ex to hopefully get jail

BPSCSS · 04/10/2020 22:15

Leave, he won't change and it will get harder. Women's aid will talk you through ways to protect yourself and your children but there will be a way.

Survivingeachday00 · 04/10/2020 22:21

Contact women’s aid for advice, they do not make you commit to anything. I was offered a reference number for a place in a refuge, which they said was my decision if I wanted to take it, I decided not too in the end. They will support you if you leave or stay. I have now left but I know I can phone them for advice and support

Survivingeachday00 · 04/10/2020 22:22

It can be hard to get through but if you leave a message with a safe time to call you back they will

DioneTheDiabolist · 04/10/2020 22:23

Staying with an abuser ruins lives OP.Sad

CarolVordermansBum · 04/10/2020 22:25

Honestly, leave. When i left my ex he swore he was going for full custody of the kids, he was going to stop at Nothing to take them from me, etc. When it came down to it he had them once a month, if that. He could hardly be bothered to be a part time dad, let alone a full time one. Abusers will say anything to manipulate you into staying. Your kids will be so much better off if you split up, trust me

Aerial2020 · 04/10/2020 22:50

He already is ruining your DCs life .

You maybe won't see it yet but he is.

Please contact Womans aid.

SandyY2K · 04/10/2020 22:56

Has he abused your DC before?

Bunnymumy · 04/10/2020 23:00

At least if you leave, your children will see that this sort of behaviour is not right and they themselves must not tolerate it from partners when they grow up. Plus, they will have at least one safe space they can be that is completely free of him.

mallorytower · 04/10/2020 23:01

If he’s abusing your kids then you should contact social services and the police. How old are your kids.

OhioOhioOhio · 04/10/2020 23:02

Your kids need to know the difference between how you live and how he lives. You need to leave so they can see it. And you slowly get to be you again.

OhioOhioOhio · 04/10/2020 23:03

My kids have worked out their aashile father. He's too stupid to know. Eventually they'll tell him to get lost.

Embracelife · 04/10/2020 23:11

No

Leave
Stay and you teach dc abuse is ok even desirable

LeaVe and you show them when snd how to stzand up to a bully

You cannot teach dc what is right when you choose to stay

You protect them by leaving
You get evidence and report
You get them a safe haven and instil in them what is right

Kids love their parents yeh but
By leaving you start to teach them what is wrong and have more power to cut contact if evidence of abuse

Stay and you are complicit

Original poster
XmasIsNear · 05/10/2020 19:11

Has he abused your DC before?

He has threatened to hurt our child and I don't like how he has touched my child in a way that has made me uncomfortable but I'm not sure if I read the situation wrong or what when it happened.

Child is 4 years old.

OP posts:
ulanbatorismynextstop · 05/10/2020 22:31

Leave, take the children, only let him have supervised access to the kids.

funnylittlefloozie · 05/10/2020 22:38

Can you contact Womens Aid, or Social Services, or the police? You need help to get away frim this pathetic horrible man. Honestly, leaving him wont ruin your life, but staying is already doing that.

MzHz · 05/10/2020 22:49

As one who has left an abuser many years ago, I can assure you that you and your dc will only ever improve without this man in your lives

Please leave FOR you, FOR your dc. You won’t ever regret

Sure it’s hard, but it’s worth it. Be brave, be strong, you can do it.

Original poster
XmasIsNear · 06/10/2020 03:58

I have no proof of what he has done. My word against his.

He bit (not to break skin or cause pain) child's backside and chest (nipple) during "play fighting". Made me uncomfortable. But I'm sure other people would see that as innocent.

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 06/10/2020 04:02

Staying with an abuser will ruin your life more than leaving him.

Get some decent professional advice about your husband's access to his child. He may only be allowed to have her/him for short periods and not overnight, try for that.

Good luck.

PopsicleHustler · 06/10/2020 06:01

Leave leave leave. Both of you.

I love you and want the best for you. Run and don't look back and trust in God

Embracelife · 06/10/2020 08:28

Play fighting a 4 year old?

Just go
You unhappy
Dont stay

MzHz · 06/10/2020 12:40

You don’t need proof, you know you’re unhappy and that is all you need to know

This man is horrifyingly dangerous, you have to get out

AlreadyGone44 · 06/10/2020 13:29

I felt really uncomfortable reading what he did to your 4 year old. Play biting your child's nipple and bum is really creepy and wrong. I can't imagine anyone thinking that's OK. You both need to be away from him. I think it might be worth reporting to social services and contact women's aid too.

Aknifewith16blades · 06/10/2020 13:56

Contact Women's Aid and make an informed choice from there.

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