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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can leaving an abuser ruin your life?

43 replies

XmasIsNear · 03/10/2020 19:55

I'm in two minds about whether I should contact womens aid or stay with my child's abusive father.

If I leave, then he could abuse DC during overnight stays and theres nothing I can do.

If I stay, then I'll have to put up with the mental torture, financial abuse and live an isolated life but at least I can step in if he tries to hurt DC.

I would love to leave and for DC to forget about his existence but DC loves him and would no doubt want to have him in their life.

OP posts:
XmasIsNear · 06/10/2020 14:04

I felt really uncomfortable reading what he did to your 4 year old

Thank you! He screamed at me when I told him that what he did was inappropriate and repulsive. I said I would contact SS and he just said "go ahead".

OP posts:
imissthesouth · 06/10/2020 16:26

Leave. Take the children with you, he shouldn't be around them.

SnuggyBuggy · 06/10/2020 16:31

At least seek some advice from women's aid. That incident yoy describe is disturbing.

Icanseewhyichangednyusername · 06/10/2020 16:35

I believe that If social services found out you are staying with your partner , knowing what you know and have witnessed , they could take your child from both of you.

Please be brave xxxxxx

Embracelife · 06/10/2020 17:01

Icansee .
A little dramatic.
One incident which father would deny isnt going to mske op lose her chikd.
Oo speak to nspcc helpline talk it through

Make plans to leave because he is nasty to you and this will affect your child.

It s not really clear what this "play fighting "involves and the context and it is best you describe it to nspcc helpline for advice. It sounds odd for sure

Embracelife · 06/10/2020 17:02

Him screaming at you us bad.
You making threats to call ss and not following thrpugh indicates your fear of him.

XmasIsNear · 06/10/2020 18:47

Yeah I'm getting the fuck out. 4 year old has put her hands around my neck as if to strangle me. Can only guess where shes got that from

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 06/10/2020 18:53

It will be the best thing you ever do.

OhioOhioOhio · 06/10/2020 18:53

You are one minute closer to being free.

Suzi888 · 06/10/2020 18:59

@XmasIsNear

I felt really uncomfortable reading what he did to your 4 year old

Thank you! He screamed at me when I told him that what he did was inappropriate and repulsive. I said I would contact SS and he just said "go ahead".

Made me uncomfortable reading it too. I truly hope you do leave and take your child, before things escalate.
Dery · 06/10/2020 19:06

"Yeah I'm getting the fuck out. 4 year old has put her hands around my neck as if to strangle me. Can only guess where shes got that from"

It's great news that you're leaving. Do NOT tell your partner. He is a danger to you and your child.

What help do you need to get away? Do you have family you can go to? Do you have people who can help you get away? Do you have people you could claim to be visiting with your DC as a little holiday and then simply not return from there?

You should find a great deal of helpful information at this link: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447926965137-d1ebb2d0-ef20

Good luck, OP, and keep posting here for support.

OhioOhioOhio · 06/10/2020 19:09

Good point. Don't tell and quietly get organised. You don't want him to realise.

WiserOwl · 06/10/2020 19:15

It won't be easy but their madness dies down.

I think it is harder than anybody could ever imagine, because once you leave, there is no pretence that you're a team. Once you reject them, they will TAKE YOU DOWN.

So make sure you have somewhere safe to go.

The administration and the practicalities of leaving can be hard when you're already feeling depleted and lacking confidence in yourself. But once they are behind you and you're safe, then you can start building yourself again.

He almost certainly will tell you he's going to go 50:50 and he almost certainly won't really want that. If he tells you hes' going for 50:50 do not respond, get your solicitor to say fine. Tell him you look forward to having half the week free and don't discuss it further.
Money was tight for me for a few stressful years but I was listening to endless clips on youtube about self-esteem, family systems, resilience, emotional intelligence.

I NOW, 13 years later, feel that I am living with far fewer blind spots, resentments, fears, doubts, anxieties. I am less of a people pleaser, I'm more resilient now, less of an over-sharer, my locus of validation is more internal that I could ever have hoped. Thank God I left him. It really was character building.

Keep posting. So many people have been in your shoes. It's a terrifying time. YOu have to emotionally take a huge breath and swim underwater until you come up for air, safe. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

Embracelife · 06/10/2020 21:42

Write down everything

He will turn all nice and sad when you leave to try to get you back
Or go all out angry
Or both
Be prepared and get some place safe

Icanseewhyichangednyusername · 07/10/2020 14:39

@Embracelife

Icansee . A little dramatic. One incident which father would deny isnt going to mske op lose her chikd. Oo speak to nspcc helpline talk it through

Make plans to leave because he is nasty to you and this will affect your child.

It s not really clear what this "play fighting "involves and the context and it is best you describe it to nspcc helpline for advice. It sounds odd for sure

Didn’t mean to sound dramatic. Sorry to OP if I came across too strongly
Otter71 · 08/10/2020 09:05

Take it from someone who stayed too long. I finally went when my DC were 13 and 17. I was originally referred to the freedom when DD was a baby. But it was always emotional / psychological and hardly ever physical and that only became illegal in 2015. By the time I left in 2018 DS17 was tag teaming with him. He still barely speaks 2 years on because dad had told him he could have my half of the house so I stole his entitlement. When we met I owned a house with 50% eqyity in sole name while he rented a room so I may have a different opinion. Look after yourself and get your ducks in line. 2 years on DD at least has worked a lot of it out for herself. Your child will probably eventually know the difference between what happens at mums and dads too.

BoudiccasBoudoir · 08/10/2020 09:21

They ruin your life for a while either way. It's the abuse that ruins it. But if you leave there is a chance that things will better. If you stay, they will either stay the same or more likely get worse. Never underestimate the motivating force of hope, either.

BoudiccasBoudoir · 08/10/2020 09:22

The moment they start abusing you the whole Pandora's box of shit is let loose, but at least if you leave then there is hope. For you and for your children

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