Growing up with both parents unemployed?

[namechange0310]

Did anyone else grow up with both parents being unemployed? My DM and my DF were both unemployed from when I was around 7 up until I was 21. I don't want to go into the reasons why they were unemployed but there were health and mental health reasons which contributed.

If you did grow up with unemployed parents, how do you think it has affected you?

For me, I think it has definitely given me really low self-esteem. I used to lie to friends that my parents had jobs and worked from home (my DM told me to say this). I remember so many conversations with my friends when we were teenagers where they talked badly about "benefit scroungers" and I just sat there quietly knowing my entire life from the age of 7 had been paid for my benefits.

I am 23 and graduated university, got a job and then lost the job due to COVID and I have had to start claiming universal credit and it is making me feel hopeless like I am destined to repeat the cycle and never progress or advance in life.

My DH grew up like you. He is very successful and stable now. But he is crippled inside by low self esteem and never feeling as good as the next person. Plus he finds social situations difficult.

Meant to say - he has often expressed the same negative thought cycle as you. But he is breaking out of it.

A tough time now does not define you, nor does it mean you will be your parents.

You are NOT your parents.

You are a very determined woman to have gone to university from your background.

You should feel hugely proud of yourself as I would hope you family are of you.

If your parents had MH problems, was it really their choice not to work.

Chin up and start job hunting.

You are a great woman with a great future ahead.

Be proud of all you have achieved.

A sad comment on how intolerant and judgemental our society is.

I grew up with both parents unemployed OP, as a result I have worked my socks off since I was 16. Supported myself throughout college and got a full time job straight after. I resent my parents for not trying to provide the best for me and my brothers as I use to get clothes for presents, never went to any clubs as they couldn’t afford it and bought everything for myself from the age of 16. I also use to lie about my dad having a job as I found it embarrassing. I have a few school ‘friends’ who have children now and have no desire to work and I feel so sorry for their children. My son gets the best of everything as I never want him to feel like I did as a child. You will get another job op. You are using the benefits system as it should be used, as a stop gap. You are not a failure you have just got a bump in the road.

The Benefit Trap was very real. You say it started when you were 7 so did they work up until then?
I know many people who had coal miners or steel workers in the family who were shepherded into bad back claims or 'Invalidity' of some sort.
When the industries were decimated there were plenty of men who didn't or couldn't change career nvm the availability of work.
Either they went back on the unemployment figures or languished at Job Club for a while and then were helped with a sick claim.
It's so hard sometimes it becomes all they know, almost a career in itself.

My df always worked but my dm not always due to mental health but sahm were much more common than they are now . But it's a shame that people do have this stigma of benefits.
In my opinion benefits are there to help people and your parents probably needed help .
I have a friend who is lovely and general very empathetic but she has barked opinions on people on benefits her recent one was people on benefits panic buying . It's baffling but if you've always worked and you see people that don't you see things differently sometimes.
I've never lived off benefits but my ds is disabled so he will and rightly so the elderly and disabled should be looked after but also the sick too and people that are out of work should be given benefits but not for years . I think everyone has different circumstances and those should be judged on each individual case .

My mum never worked because of her mental health amongst other things. She would try but always quit after a few months. My mum spent money we didn't have and ended up in serious debt. I was so concious of money I would follow my mum around the supermarket as a child trying to convince her to put things back. I still struggle with buying food even now I'm in my 30s.

I was always determined not to be like her and this is what she wanted too. I was the only person in my family to get GCSEs, A Levels and then go to university. I ended up using my student loan to pay my parents rent as they never resolved their money issues. I have always had a very real fear about not being able to support myself (or others) and not being successful. I was so driven to achieve academically.

I've had periods out of work due to my own MH and always feel like I have failed but at the same time I know I have always tried to seek help for issues and move forward which is something I don't think my parents did (for whatever reason). I am independent (perhaps a little too much) and it feels like everything in life for me takes twice the effort that others need. I always feel like I'm pretending to be competent when I rarely feel it. I am under-employed but grateful that I can work and break that cycle. I am worried about repeating my mum's history but I know its my temperament and determination which distinguishes me from her. I often felt like she gave up (which I'm aware sounds incredibly mean and I do hate myself a little bit for saying that).

I'm sure you will be able to find work again although I know how much energy this process will need. It's not an easy situation. I wonder in what ways do you feel your situation is different?

Me. I constantly worry about losing my job and going back to living in poverty, even more so now we have DC.

Both mine ( well mum and stepdad, dad not on scene) never worked while I was growing up. I was really embarrassed, I hot free school lunches, never had any money( not helped by a 20 a day smoking habit from each of them) to go anything so we stayed in every weekend, very little food in the house . From 17 I have worked full time to provide for myself and my kids. Around about thd time I started working my stepdad got a job and my step sisters got new trainers, clothes, days out because theg could afford it more by then. I was happy for my sisters but even now , 20 years later, i resent them for not doing more when I was younger to get themselves out the situation

My DM refused to work but spent money like water on stuff for herself and her affairs whilst claiming how good she was with money. She used me as an excuse that she couldn't work until I left home. But she was never there when I got home from school. My DF earned well but of course her spending meant I didn't go on the school trips abroad, have hobbies or holidays with my parents and having to listen to her moan about her life and how little she had. She never once thought to give me what she didn't have or she just didn't want to. I was embarrassed that she spent and I couldn't have the same as everyone else. She resented my intelligence and that I did work and earned well. She resented by DF and I resent her to this day and I don't understand why you would do what she did.

My DM was never on benifits but as a single mother of three DC and going to collage as well as a full time job money was very tight! I'm super careful with money and if I can save it I will,I'm a sahm to 4 DC under 6 my partner works full time and I give our children everything they want and need! DP thinks I'm crazy but he's never had to live the lifestyle I had to as a child he had everything and more.

Being on benefits momentarily does not make you anything like your parents.

My parents didn’t work, still don’t actually. They are really stereotypical.

Whilst I didn’t go university as I didn’t have family support I’m the first to own a house and have done since I was 18. I also run my own business. We are in a pandemic and the economy is going down the toilet. I too have had to claim benefits because of this. It’s temporary and I am already adapting my business to make it successful again.

Your not destined for anything. Everyone has a blib at some point.

I definitely have really low self-esteem. When I was at university I remember my tutor calling me into her office and sat me down and went through my work to tell me how good it was and how I need to have more confidence in myself. I thought I was able to fake confidence well enough to get by but evidently not. I feel like I will forever be under-employed as I am too nervous to apply to jobs I am actually qualified for and feel like a complete imposter.

My DM resents having to work now as her friends are starting to retire and she can't as she has no pension. My DF was able to access his pension from when he did work during his early adulthood so he drew it all out in one lump sum and wasted it on unnecessary things like a new car. There is just no forethought to the future. My eldest sister and I will be expected to provide for them otherwise they will be in complete poverty when they are older.

Sorry, I went a bit off-topic there. I didn't realise how much I had been holding back on this topic.

@TheQueef My DM wanted to be a SAHM so stopped working when she became pregnant with my oldest sister. My DF stopped working because of depression and has never returned to work since.

@Colourmeclear That was really helpful to hear. I guess I am different because I think ahead and like to be prepared for all eventualities. I always make sure I have savings for if things go wrong like if my car needs repairs.

Remember, OP, you have work experience and a degree, which puts you ahead of many jobseekers out there.

You've done so well to get away from the benefits trap your parents were in and, even though you fell hopeless now, you have to see this as temporary.

3010 the only thing you have to do is learn the lesson at the time and do a bit better. You've done that, with bells on.
Try not to see fault with parents, what are your extended family like? Is there much work or education experience in their friends?
I hate when people think it was a lifestyle choice. For many there was no options and the only experience people had to keep the cupboard stocked was to admit defeat and become claimants.
Remember you saw this and worked your way out, you are no imposter. Far from it you will have life experience that many lack.

My DM was always out of work but my DF always worked hard to keep a roof over our heads. He completely resented DM who had serious depression whilst he was out working all day and DM was asleep and not lifting a finger. He didn’t earn much but it was enough to pay the bills and for both of them to smoke everyday. There was never money for treats or anything extra.

It’s made me determined to be skint. I have worked since I was 14 and still at school, had part time jobs and now earn well. I think growing up like that makes you a more resilient person.

I feel like we share a lot of similar experiences and worries. I always felt like I was forced in to a caretaker role in many ways, I always felt like the adult in the house. It is exhausting.

I'd really hold on to those differences and also all that you've achieved. How would you feel about counseling? Just to have a space to share your experiences and be heard? It sounds like understandably you have a lot to say. I think it's quite common to keep going and going and then when we are forced to stop it brings up difficult things for us.

I grew up in a single parent household and my DM has never worked and still doesn’t now (I’m 32 and my sister is 25). She does have mental health issues and a personality disorder but she is always well kept, spotless house, articulate etc so could work if you wanted to but it’s all shes ever known so she now feels stuck. It didn’t really effect me to when I was younger as my DM is good with money so I never felt like I went without, we always had a kitchen full of food, I was well clothed etc but I always felt less than some friends at school who had nicer houses / clothes / holidays but also had friends who seemed to have less than I had. My aunt is fairly well off and I always envied my cousins going to Disney Land every year and their huge house with a swimming pool.

I felt it more when I was a teenager as from 16 I felt left alone to provide for myself and often didn’t even have money to get the train to collage. It made me resentful at the time (and still does at times) that my mum just couldn’t be bothered to better herself for us but it is what it is. It’s made me driven and ambitious as I’ve always known if I want anything nice in life I have to provide it for myself. I wouldn’t be who I am today without that feeling of lack growing up and I’ve done much better for myself than all of my cousins who were given everything (first in my family to attend uni and now run two successful businesses). I suppose it has left me with self esteem issues hence my ambition and feeling a need to prove myself but you aren’t you parents or their choices. Everything in life depends on the way you look at it so try to see the positives and who it’s made you rather than what you’re lacking from it. :)

I only had one parent. She was unemployed and on benefits until I was 15. I told my friends and when they made comments about scroungers, took them up on it. They made the "except you" type comments and I wasn't well versed enough to explain further. There were some obnoxious gits, but I think their comments on equality are the least to be worried about now they're adults.
I was left with disordered eating for fear of running out of food, adulting early because I had resposibilities to care for my parent, and parental mental health hangovers.
We shouldn't be afraid to bring our kids up intouch with reality. We can only learn and do a little better than our parents.

You’ve done bloody well. Hold on to that and be proud of it. Don’t let the current situation derail you.

I think it affects different people differently, I grew up in a similar situation, and it's certainly affected my self esteem (particularly in a professional capacity), sometimes I think it's imposter syndrome. I think the same true for my elder sister, even though she's a higher earning professional.

On the other hand, my brother (also a high earning professional) has no self esteem issues and thinks the world is his oyster.

Personally, I think there are many contributory factors to the person you become..

Thank you all for the replies. It has been really helpful to hear your experiences too as it helps to know I'm not the only one with this kind of background. I think being unemployed has made me feel really down and like I was just kidding myself about going to university and trying to better myself, etc. However I just need to remind myself that it is just a temporary set-back.

@TheQueef I'm the only one who has been to university, but I do have extended family who work and always have worked, mainly office roles.

@Colourmeclear Yes, I definitely relate to what you said about have a caretaker role. I definitely have experienced that (not just with financial things but other things too, e.g. having to support/listen to my DF when his mental health was bad). I feel like a lot of things are coming up for me about my childhood ever since leaving university, it's like now I don't have the stress of university it's all rising to the surface to process. It has been quite difficult and I do think it would help to talk things through with a therapist when I am in a better financial position and can pay privately.

I hear you, OP. My parents were very early school leavers, functionally illiterate, and hence difficult to employ, especially in the giant recession which took place for a big chunk of my childhood, when there was mass unemployment. One of my first lessons was 'Don't ask for anything because it isn't there.' We were crushingly poor.

Maybe oddly, I resent far more that when my father did get a stable job, down the years he was repeatedly offered more money to become a supervisor, and refused every time because he 'didn't want the hassle.' And that they weren't more encouraging of us with our school work. I get they could never help with homework, but I would have loved someone to be encouraging about schoolwork, rather than trying to get me to leave school early in my turn.

And yes, absolutely, I have been my parents' 'caretaker'; from a very young age. DH and I semi-support them financially, and I have been aware since childhood of how poorly-equipped they are to deal with life's ordinary difficulties. No child should have to be as self-reliant as I was.