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Original poster

are the good ones really all gone by my age?

34 replies

tinkeraj · 03/10/2020 12:16

I’ve a friend who will say this often. Whenever I have a bad or average date. I’m 36. Is it true? Do I need to accept that anyone decent is off the table now? And if not do I need to accept that they will be divorced?

Feeling very shit about life today.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 03/10/2020 12:19

Tbf there weren't many good ones around to begin with lol.

I think a lot of men probably aren't looking to settle down till a bit later than women...so surely there should be some good ones still around?

FourPlasticRings · 03/10/2020 12:20

I don't see what's wrong with divorced people, OP. I think if you're looking for someone the same age as you or older, many will have been in LTRs or have kids, yes. Doesn't mean they're all cast-offs. People divorce and split for all sorts of reasons.

Gilmoregoals · 03/10/2020 12:27

I came on here to say I thought I had a good one... He left me for his ow at the start of the year. I am the same age as you.
Depending where you live I would've thought there would be a good selection of guys in their 30s who are now getting careers established and looking to settle down.
It may be harder in small rural towns where there is less movement of young people?

JurassicParkaha · 03/10/2020 12:35

Your 'friend' sounds bitter and inconsiderate, and projecting her own fears on you. Firstly, well done, for still going out there and dating.

Secondly, 'good ones' don't come in an age range or relationship status. Different men have different timelines and not everyone decided to couple up in their 20s. Plenty of men wait till their mid-late 30s to settle down, once they're established in their careers, done all the adventures and had enough of the single life. Just like loads of single women at the same age. Similarly, if all the 'good ones' were all taken, there would be no married men cheating or being crap partners.

Also, nothing wrong with a divorced man. It shows he can commit and knows how to be in a relationship. They're no different than men who've been in very long term relationships that ended, but did not marry. Don't write off a whole pool of men who were willing to take a chance on someone and get married, have it not work out, and still be willing to risk love again.

I'm mid 30s and frankly meeting much better men now than in my 20s - they're more responsible, have been relationship trained by at least one woman, better at sex, and a lot are looking to settle down sharp-ish. There's also turds out there but that was the case even when i was younger.

Please take some distance from your friend, or certainly don't discuss your dating life with her. Surround yourself with people who will be encouraging and supportive of you. Dating is hard at any age, and always was. Keep going on dates, but remember that when you're feeling bitter/negative people can sense that energy - so best to take a break till you're feeling more excited about dating again.

LilyWater · 03/10/2020 12:42

There's certainly still some good men out there but you need to be ruthless about not wasting time with no hopers or commitmentphobes. You may need to be flexible about 'nice to haves' in a partner and dating outside your 'type'. Also you can date a bit younger such as men in their early 30s (who are serious about marriage and kids soon).

I disagree with the PP - like the OP, I certainly wouldnt want to be dating any divorced men. When you marry you're going in purposefully to legally commit to someone for the rest of your life (unlike non-marriage relationships). If they've already had a failed marriage and not fulfilled that lifelong commitment that are not reasons to do with their ex cheating, it's not a good start is it. For men, it often drills down to them not putting their wife (and kids if they have them) as the priority in their lives, which leads to the relationship breakdown.
Plus the significant baggage of an ex wife or kids that are not your own.

LilyWater · 03/10/2020 12:49

Also to encourage you, there are certainly many more eligible men at your age than there ever was in the past, because virtually everybody got married significantly younger so the dating pool would be essentially dead by now in times gone by! If you're in a area with not many men, definitely think about moving to a place with more people your age to maximize the chances of meeting someone. Also try meetup groups, and hobbies you're genuinely interested in which are not female heavy.

Eckhart · 03/10/2020 12:56

If you're asking it means that you doubt her. Your gut instinct is to doubt her, even if you have experience that seems to say otherwise.

Even if every single one of them is taken at this moment, one of their wives will have an affair soon, or get run over by a bus. Not jolly from their point of view, but my point is that good people become single at all ages. And you only need one, right?

Also, you're single. Does your friend not class you as decent?! Or does she just think there are lots of 36 year old single women, and no men whatsoever?

Her view is tainted and flawed. Don't let her bring you down, otherwise you might meet 'a decent one' whilst taking out the bins, and he'll dismiss you as 'a negative one'.

I'm sorry you're feeling shit. Got any cake that might help?

safeordangerous · 03/10/2020 13:32

@tinkeraj

I’ve a friend who will say this often. Whenever I have a bad or average date. I’m 36. Is it true? Do I need to accept that anyone decent is off the table now? And if not do I need to accept that they will be divorced?

Feeling very shit about life today.

I think the starting point is how you define the good ones.
Eckhart · 03/10/2020 13:34

I think the starting point is how you define the good ones

I disagree, and think that this standpoint is at the top of the 'slipping standards' slope...

safeordangerous · 03/10/2020 13:37

@Eckhart

I think the starting point is how you define the good ones

I disagree, and think that this standpoint is at the top of the 'slipping standards' slope...

Well if all the good men are gone then surely there's an equally valid argument so are the good women?

I would add I dont think this is the case for men or women.

Eckhart · 03/10/2020 14:14

That's a totally different point to the one I was making. And re your equally valid argument, I've made the same point upthread. I think we agree.

CarlyReyes · 03/10/2020 14:23

Can you meet someone, fall in and love and be happy at your age? Yes

Are there many desirable (in the typical sense I.e. good looking, good career etc) men on the market at your age range? Absolutely not.

You will be fighting for scraps and that’s the reality

safeordangerous · 03/10/2020 14:25

@Eckhart

That's a totally different point to the one I was making. And re your equally valid argument, I've made the same point upthread. I think we agree.
See what you mean. Yeah agreed.

Speaking as a divorced man you should swerve unless they don't have kids. But there will be plenty that havent got to the stage of kids. Even if it means going slightly younger or older.

angstridden2 · 03/10/2020 15:12

‘Fighting for scraps’...dear lord have I inadvertently landed in the 18th century?

Sundance2741 · 03/10/2020 16:04

Be positive, believe and it will (could anyway) happen. Being negative about it will give off the wrong vibes. From friends and acquaintances I've known, "older" single women (mid 30s plus) can be quite down on themselves about being single and feel there is something wrong with them or become over- desperate.

Justmuddlingalong · 03/10/2020 16:11

Is someone who's divorced a deal breaker, what about men with kids? Are you looking for someone with absolutely no baggage?

StarlightLady · 03/10/2020 16:16

Recycled ones can be as good as new!

Sexnotgender · 03/10/2020 16:18

I got a GREAT one when I was 34.

He really is the best. I refused to settle for anyone who wasn’t amazing though😊

safeordangerous · 03/10/2020 16:47

@StarlightLady

Recycled ones can be as good as new!
I like that analogyGrin
LondonCrone · 03/10/2020 17:13

Your friend is a POS and trying to neg you to make herself feel better. I just met an amazing man, he’s 35. We aren’t right for each other but he could be great for you, along with dozens of others. 35 is when things with intelligent, discerning people get serious. Fuck your friends who settled.

jimmyjammy001 · 03/10/2020 18:13

I wouldn't let your standards slip other wise the relationship will fall eventually and it will not be long term as it will annoy you throughout, good luck getting someone who hasn't allready got baggage and married, if you want to be second best all the time whilst you treat them as your number one crack on, if not wait a while, I'd rather be single than in a unhappy relationship.

TheBlueStocking · 03/10/2020 18:20

Hmm. I do have some complaints about the men available.

SodaPerson · 03/10/2020 18:20

I'll be honest OP, at 36 most 'catches' would have already married, bought a house and have had at least 1 kid. (I know I'm gonna get hate for this...)

You would have to ask why any ideal guy the same age is still single...

The prime exception to this would be a widower.

Princessposie · 03/10/2020 18:37

I met the love of my life last year. He’s 43, he is lovely, funny, clever. He has an amazing job. Never been married and doesn’t have DC, so he’d be on your perfect list OP. They definitely exist.

I’m on your avoid list though. I’m divorced and have DC. He doesn’t mind at all though Grin

AnaViaSalamanca · 03/10/2020 18:57

I am sorry to be harsh but it’s a very stupid question. You are an adult. If someone tells you all the good ones are taken then what? You would give up and stop dating? If we all tell you there are some good ones left then you would be all reassured and happy? For how many days?

Honestly OP, this sort of scarcity mindset leads to desperation, and desperation leads to making bad decisions. There are multiple threads a day by women who are clinging on for dear life to men who treat them horribly.

Nobody can tell you if you will meet someone or not. All you can do is try and date people and see where things go.

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