are the good ones really all gone by my age?

[tinkeraj]

I’ve a friend who will say this often. Whenever I have a bad or average date. I’m 36. Is it true? Do I need to accept that anyone decent is off the table now? And if not do I need to accept that they will be divorced?

Feeling very shit about life today.

People can fail at anything, and at any time and in the rest of life we encourage them to try again. I'd view a divorced man the same way, at least he was willing to make a commitment in the first place. Probably also knows how to have a mature relationship too, which at our age is more in the area many of us want. I'd never be afraid of asking, gently, why it didn't work though, but maybe not on date one!

I think it depends on your 'want' list.

If you've got a list of 'must have's' which starts with 'look like Tom Hardy, not have any bad habits or baggage, must have own home (paid for), decent car, high earning job and go on four overseas holidays a year', then yes, you are going to find it tough.

If, however, you are realistic and not rigid in what you 'must have' in a man, then there are plenty of good ones!

I work with a lot of divorced men in their forties and fifties who are on their second marriages with a second round of children. Mostly they do seem to put effort into making it work this time.

Typically they say they got together with the first wife too young. Often there was an accidental pregnancy. They don't mention the ex-wife much and seem embarrassed about their past but will talk about their previous children with pride.

Just this week one was ecstatic that his late teen son came to visit despite "me not being a great dad after they moved away" and how he was doing things differently with his younger sons with the second wife. I am not worried about this being outing because it is so common.

All talk about past immaturity.

First marriages/first baby in early twenties or late teens. Second marriages happened in their thirties.

Based on those I know I would say don't write off divorcees.

There are plenty of good men out there, the problem is finding one that’s right for you. Finding someone you are truly compatible with is hard at any age. The good thing is most of the age range you’ll be dating will be looking to settle down so try to see the positives.

@TorkTorkBam

I work with a lot of divorced men in their forties and fifties who are on their second marriages with a second round of children. Mostly they do seem to put effort into making it work this time.

Typically they say they got together with the first wife too young. Often there was an accidental pregnancy. They don't mention the ex-wife much and seem embarrassed about their past but will talk about their previous children with pride.

Just this week one was ecstatic that his late teen son came to visit despite "me not being a great dad after they moved away" and how he was doing things differently with his younger sons with the second wife. I am not worried about this being outing because it is so common.

All talk about past immaturity.

First marriages/first baby in early twenties or late teens. Second marriages happened in their thirties.

Based on those I know I would say don't write off divorcees.

But most men in recent times don't marry in their late teens/early twenties

Most of the divorced men in OP's dating pool most likely got married mid/late twenties and onwards where there's no "too young" excuse. In years gone by, it was the norm for men to marry at these late teen/early 20s ages. Not saying that this should necessarily continue but the point is that so much less is expected from men responsibility wise nowadays and this is partly what is fueling commitmentphobes and those men who get married then start looking for a way out of their family responsibilities due to being apparently "too young".

Seems to be some very sweeping default assumptions here that divorced men must have caused the failure of their marriages...

Wow, did I fall asleep and wake up in the 1950s? On the shelf at 36, fighting for scraps, divorced men are undesirable...

I'm guessing you don't in live London - I did not stand out one bit when I met my (now ex)DP at 37 and had DC at 40 and 42.

Now I live in the countryside and I am the oldest mum by far and everyone got married in their 20s. They're now all getting divorced in their 40s though and meeting new men - who are also divorced and have DC. And the ones who stuck with their DHs are usually more miserable than the ones dating. Some are even dating and having sex in - wait for it - their 50s!! 😄

I remember talking to my GP about anxiety when my boyfriend ended things when I was aged 26. He blithely informed me that most good men were already taken by that age and I would struggle to find someone else.

I didn't see him again!

Life in 2020 is not like it was in 1990 or 1960...people don't mate for life these days. At 36 there is a good chance the men you'll meet will be divorced or have kids and so what? Does that mean there is something wrong with them? That because one relationship ended they are incapable of having another?
My boyfriend and I are both divorced with kids. We are 40 and 48. We are happy!