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Original poster

20 year age gap.... help

34 replies

mummabee1 · 03/10/2020 06:52

So I've met someone....
Hes 22 years older than me. In fact, hes older than my Mum and he has a daughter a year younger than me.

We are both separated from our spouses, he has a young child and I have 2 young children.

I have always been a bit more mature for my age due to a rubbish upbringing, and definitely prefer older men... Hes young at heart for sure, and I'm sure I'm in love with him but I'm getting these awful niggling doubts which I wish would go away. My main worry is that I might want more children in the future (I'm 26) and it wont be ideal for him (hes 48). We have sort of discussed it very briefly and hes open to whatever I say but I think practically it would be a no go in reality.

Can age gap relationships like this work? Do I need to stop it before it goes any further? Things between us are just amazing but I'm terrified it won't work and it's too much of a gap.

OP posts:
mummyof2lou · 03/10/2020 06:55

I think it could work now, but when you're 45 he'll be 65. Are you comfortable with that? I don't think it would stop me, it very much depends on the person and their outlook on life.

FippertyGibbett · 03/10/2020 07:00

I think you do need to stop because the age gap will show more the older you get. Think about how old he will be when you are 40.
I have a 10 year gap, which was fine when we were younger, but not now. He has decided he doesn’t want sex anymore and he’s turned into an old man. It’s not great.

Original poster
mummabee1 · 03/10/2020 07:04

Mummyof2lou - Yeah, when I look at it the other way, when Im his age he will be 70.... that definitely seems like too much...

Fipperty - the sex thing worries me too. At the moment its incredible and for me it's a big part of our relationship and connection, and he may well go off that pretty quick! I'm annoyed at myself for allowing feelings. I really love him and want to see past the age 🥺

OP posts:
PurBal · 03/10/2020 07:07

I don't see the problem with the age gap personally. Most of my relationships have had a 10-20 year age gap. DH is 7. But I do know my cousin was in a similar situation and ended up being her husbands full time carer for a decade (he died in his late 80s). Then when he died all his inheritance went to his children and she was left with very little.

funnylittlefloozie · 03/10/2020 07:08

If you're having doubts, its probably the wrong relationship. Also, how many children has he actually got? Hes got a "young child" plus one the same age as you... are any more children and exes going to pop out of the woodwork?

Age gap relationships can and do work... but you have to be realistuc. You'll be a bounding 42 year old, looking for a bit more fun in your life once your kids are grown, and he'll be 64 and thinking about retirement.

FippertyGibbett · 03/10/2020 07:09

Do you love him enough to put up with what the age gap will bring, or do you just lust after him and it will fade at some point ?
It doesn’t have to be for ever, you can just enjoy it for how long it lasts, but I doubt it will last.
If I’d realised that my hubby would turn into his father I would have run the other way.

Original poster
mummabee1 · 03/10/2020 07:09

Funnylittlefloozie hes been married twice, 2 older children with his first wife and an 8 year old with his second wife.

OP posts:
NotGenerationAlpha · 03/10/2020 07:26

If you are already having doubts, then it’s showing it’s a problem for you. Personally it won’t work for me now I’m in my mid 40s. I’m still young and 65 is already retirement age.

HollowTalk · 03/10/2020 07:42

@mummabee1

Mummyof2lou - Yeah, when I look at it the other way, when Im his age he will be 70.... that definitely seems like too much...

Fipperty - the sex thing worries me too. At the moment its incredible and for me it's a big part of our relationship and connection, and he may well go off that pretty quick! I'm annoyed at myself for allowing feelings. I really love him and want to see past the age 🥺

And ask yourself whether he would want to be with a 70 year old now. Or ask him.
FippertyGibbett · 03/10/2020 08:04

If you had a child with him now, think about how old he would be when it was 16. And think about how old he would be when the child would be finishing Uni at 21. Will he still be working to support that child through Uni ?
I know people have kids at all sorts of ages, but ideally you want both of your parents around to support you into adulthood and to enjoy the grand children.

user15412486546 · 03/10/2020 08:12

Do you love him, or does him being so much older make you feel protected and rescued and cared for? Those are pretty intoxicating feelings too, but not love.

I don't think it's a question of maturity, so much as life stage. It's easy for him to make promises now to keep you around (the ego boost of a 26 year old being interested in him!) But that doesn't mean he would follow through or that it would work.

A rubbish upbringing can make you more self-reliant at a younger age and it can certainly make you feel disconnected from other people the same age who've been cushioned and shielded from the things you have, but it also makes you vulnerable and is not the same as having five decades of lived experience on the planet.

SquashedFlyBiscuits · 03/10/2020 08:16

I am 46. My dh is 63. We have a 10 year old. At 63 there is no difference in our energy levels and we are very happy. He has 3 adult children from his first marriage that finished 11 years before we met. I get on well with them all. I had cared for an elderly relative before we got married so I have my eyes open as to what our future may hold. He is my soulmate. I knew from the first date that he was my future. Whatever life throws our way, I will have no regrets.

Vagaries · 03/10/2020 08:18

Go and have a look at the current thread written by a 40 year old man who fancies a 21 year old woman he works with.

AnaViaSalamanca · 03/10/2020 09:06

People decline at different rates. I think more important is 1. does he take care of his health? Most men, if they are not very health conscious start to decline around mid-50s.

Secondly, what's your lifestyle like? If you are both into staying home and doing sedantry activities (like dining, theatre etc) should be fine, but if you are outgoing and into outdoors and sports, he probably wouldn't be able to keep up with you in the longer term

MikeUniformMike · 03/10/2020 09:20

What are his ex-wives like?
Why did he get divorced?

You've already got 5 children between you.

You say you are "in love", whatever that means - are you sure you are not looking for a father figure, either for your children or yourself?

LunaNorth · 03/10/2020 09:23

@SquashedFlyBiscuits

I am 46. My dh is 63. We have a 10 year old. At 63 there is no difference in our energy levels and we are very happy. He has 3 adult children from his first marriage that finished 11 years before we met. I get on well with them all. I had cared for an elderly relative before we got married so I have my eyes open as to what our future may hold. He is my soulmate. I knew from the first date that he was my future. Whatever life throws our way, I will have no regrets.
46 and 61 here, and I feel the same.

Adore him. Always will.

Joy69 · 03/10/2020 09:34

I think AnaViaSalamanca has hit the nail on the head. It's all about lifestyle. To use my Dad as an example, he has always been fitter than most 40 year olds & was up Snowdon in the snow in February, he also has a good love life Blush. He is 81!
I bet your partner has a young outlook on life anyway with having an 8 year old.
Why did he split from his previous partners? I think that would bother me more than the age gap. If you're enjoying being with him go with the flow, you don't have to make big decisions immediately.

MMmomDD · 03/10/2020 09:52

All depends.
If you look now at 60-70yos and find them attractive - then go for it.
Reason I say that is that how you are and your sexuality won’t change that much for the next 20 years - so if being with a 72yo when you are 50 is what you want to do, then yes, just enjoy it.
For more reference - ask your mom if she, at her age - would want a partner who is 22 years older.

These threads come up over and over. Men at their 40s are in there prime in many ways. Still physically fit and attractive. Very experienced. Financially stable. Know how to handle women. Confident. Finally grown up, in the way men in their 30 sometimes aren’t.
So - it’s clear why much younger women would find them attractive. Age difference almost isn’t visible.

Sadly - it doesn’t last and time catches up. Michael Douglas/Zita-Jones looked great as a couple when they started. Not so much now.

You are only 26. Enjoy your life. There is plenty of time to meet someone closer in age. Really.

Rainbowqueeen · 03/10/2020 10:07

Its a big age gap.
If you want more kids I’d move on. Men’s sperm starts to degrade and the chances of having a baby with health issues are much higher.
The points about how things will be in 10 years, 20 years time have already been said but bear repeating. The chances of you being his carer at a young age are high.
Love is not enough Use your head

Octoberbreeze · 03/10/2020 10:08

You are really young. Don't tie yourself to a man going past his prime.
You will still be young in your forties and he will be retiring, Don't throw away your best years.

GrimDamnFanjo · 03/10/2020 10:17

There's few answers here from people with real life experience.
I'm still obsessed with my age gap husband, he's my soulmate and I fell in love with him despite the age gap.
It sounds to me though as if he's not the one for you as you are having doubts.

Original poster
mummabee1 · 03/10/2020 10:39

At the moment I can't see myself wanting any more children and with 5 between us already that is enough for me... but things and feelings can change!

Its interesting to read from this thread and other age gap couple threads that the majority can see past the age gap and love that person for them. I wouldn't say I have doubts as such, I'm just trying to use my head and consider mine and my children's future before making any big decisions.

OP posts:
blinkybill47 · 03/10/2020 10:56

It might work for now but look 10,15, 20 years down the track .... You'll still be in your prime and you'll probably be getting his zimmer frame out the car to go have coffee

workhomesleeprepeat · 03/10/2020 10:59

Married twice already? Divorced twice already? They do say third time lucky OP! Grin

But really...it’s a big gap. Works for some people, doesn’t for others. None of us can tell you if it will work for you and your family. I’d be concerned from his history (unless he’s been bereaved) that he likes to be ‘in love’ but is maybe not so good at the marriage part?

lawandgin · 03/10/2020 11:57

I'm 32, DH is 53. Works absolutely fine for us and has done for 12 years. Sure I have some worries about the future, but I decided not to miss out on the love of my life for the sake of age. Maybe naive, but I'm happy.

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