Confused about past indiscretions

[DBML]

My cousin told me today, very nonchalantly, that 20 years ago her husband (boyfriend at the time) dumped her to pursue another girl. Cousin was 19. He was 22. (We had been discussing our relationships over a Prezzo and I’d said how lucky we’d gotten following discussion of a mutual friend whose twat DH has just left her and their children.)

Anyway, cousins ‘boyfriend’ ended up kissing this girl on a night out and then moved onto another girl, who he also kissed in a club. He then wasn’t ‘seeing anyone’, but was pining after girl 2 for some time, phoning her and attempting to meet up, but the girl wasn’t interested - she was only 15! Cousin knew all this because at the time she’d been devastated and attempted to cling on to him.

9 months on, cousin and her boyfriend got back together and have apparently had a very happy relationship since and three gorgeous children.

I love both of them dearly, but now I feel a bit ‘yuk’ about him. I had no idea. I knew they’d split for a short time, but didn’t know the circumstances - I’d thought it was due to her going off to uni.

DH and I are going to form a bubble with cousin and her family, for their childcare purposes and were invited around tomorrow for dinner to discuss the practicalities... but I think I’m going to struggle to look cousin’s husband in the eye.

I feel cheated yet it’s not really anything to do with me...and a little deceived and totally outraged on my cousins behalf (especially as the girl he “pined over” was so young)...and yet she just laughed it off when I said so.

I’m confused...am I being ridiculous? I’ve taken it so personally and I wonder how she could have stayed with him knowing this?

A few minor details changed so as to not embarrass anyone I care about - But nothing of any consequence. Ages and circumstances are all accurate.

What’s the thinking? TYIA

You are being ridiculous.

They were kids, it's irrelevant now.

Yes, my husband agrees with you. Told me to stop being daft. I know you’re right. It was just a surprise.

I think it can make you feel uneasy when you find out something not so nice about someone you’re close to, but with kindness they were very young and it was a long time ago. Let it go and continue your good relationship with them.

@DMBL I would feel the same. No, they weren't kids, but the fifteen year old child he abused and persued was.

Anyone who sees a 15 year old as fair game at 22 isn't entirely right imo, and I would also feel yuck.

Paedophiles aren't always dirty old men in rain-macs.

I understand your discomfort. I would judge a person for this. If I was pursued at 15 by a 22 year old (especially after I had made clear I wasn't interested).... I would think he was a creep. ( I had a 19 year old ask me out a week before my 16th birthday and I thought he was far too old!

Usually I'd say you're being ridiculous if everyone involved had been an adult, but I would find it hard to respect someone who was in their 20s when they pursued a child despite knowing their age. It's vile.

OP if you have any kids, make sure they are never left alone in the company of that 22 year old who was going after a 15 year old child. A 22 year old has no business having any sexual interest in a child who's 15.

OMFG

IT WAS TWENTY YEARS AGO

The world was a different place, plenty of 15/16 year olds kissing/going out with older teens, lads early 20's.

He kissed her, he fancied her, he got back with your cousin, they've got 3 kids & are happy.

You need to catch yourself on honestly!

[quote SoulofanAggron]@DMBL I would feel the same. No, they weren't kids, but the fifteen year old child he abused and persued was.[/quote]
How do you know he 'abused' her? He obviously liked her but he could have kept his hands to himself, some people do.

Yes you are being unreasonable, but you are looking at it from your own standpoint and that is the difference.

When people are young they make mistakes. If they are happily married now then that is all that matters surely

It was a long time ago . Your cousin has said she and him have since had a very happy relationship with 3 beautiful DC.
It also has nothing whatsoever to do with you . You are being ridiculous yes

Thank you everyone.
It was a long time ago and I’m not 100% sure that cousins husband knew the girl was 15 to begin with as they met in a club? He must have found out at some point though.

Even so, I know that the only thing for me to do is forget about it and realise it’s not my business.

I genuinely do feel upset for my cousin, as if it’s all just happened yesterday, rather than it being so long ago. Probably because I just found out.

I know I must let it go. If she can get over it, what business do I have being cross.

Thank you all - I always post when I need done grounding.

** Need some grounding

Bloody autocorrect!

Cool, I won't repeat what's already been said as you have got it.
I only wanted to add that you seem to feel a bit betrayed, maybe you thought you knew your cousin and her DH inside out after all these years. Fact is that marriage is a weird and complicated thing, and totally private. Most of us don't know the half of what goes on in other peoples houses our pasts, even people we think we know inside out.

You must love your cousin a lot, you sound a bit hurt on her behalf. Despite the posts saying you're being ridiculous, allow yourself to feel the pain/hurt/whatever it is for a little while, so that you can process it. But hopefully it doesn't need to get in the way of your relationship with cuz&cuzDH today. Sounds like you have a great thing going there. I think you'd be sad if this got in the way.

I’ve always had a great relationship with my cousin and I’ve trusted her with pretty much every aspect of my life. There’s not a lot I don’t tell her. I see her daily, work with her, we are family and she’s my closest friend, always has been.

I’m sad that she went through all that and didn’t think she could tell me.

I feel angry that her DH (bf at the time) could do that to my gorgeous cousin, for the sake of a couple of snogs, one of which was with a kid. I thought he was this really decent amazing person.

I feel stunned that she talked about it now, without any negative emotion at all, but I guess it’s all water under the bridge to her.

And finally, I guess I feel like I wanted to ask questions about what happened for instance ‘why on earth did you go back to him?’ ‘Did he know this girl was 15?’ Etc but it’s been so long that asking questions was not on the table I could tell and I was expected to laugh it all off.

It shouldn’t be a big deal to me, but it really shook me up. I know I have to just let it go, she was an adult and made her decisions, which I need to respect. That’s the end of it. And being so long ago, I really have no right to feel so strongly about it now.

I just wanted to add, she doesn’t know I feel this way. I behaved exactly as I knew she wanted me to, just nodded, said ‘the past is in the past and look what they have now’ and I wouldn’t dream of making her fee uncomfortable or refuse to go for dinner.

Thank you all for your advice.

I think you sound more as though you feel betrayed because she didn’t tell you at the time. All your responses, and the things you want to ask her about, and your expectation of emotions from her about a 20 year old hiatus in her teenage relationship make it sound as if you’re forgetting this was a lifetime ago!

Are you generally a friend who gets arsy if someone doesn’t confide about all aspects of their life?

I think feeling as you do is normal. I'd probably feel the same and be hoping my cousin had since gained a good amount of self confidence, that she wouldn't stand for that kind of nonsense now.

It would make me view their marriage differently...somehow like it wasn't quite an equal relationship, or at leastit didn't start that way

If I dumped my BF to pursue another guy (even 20 years ago) and had been wanting a relationship with yet another but they weren't interested and my BF happily took me back, I'd be feeling I held the power in the relationship.

In your cousins shoes I would have felt like his Plan B....the fallback girl...but maybe he begged her to take him back and apologised all those years ago.

OMG - OP - they were just kids. They weren’t married with children.

And those talking of paedophilic behaviour - well from what OP says - they kissed in a club - where he might have assumed she was older. I imagine it was a consenting kiss, and he was young and briefly smitten. Whatever else - it’s not paedophile behaviour. He obviously didn’t get into a relationship with her (sexual or otherwise). Perhaps he found out her age and backed off? I think YABU.

Well if he possibly didn't know her age that changes things somewhat. He may have found out she was 15 and at that point stopped pursuing her. Other than that he didn't do anything wrong that I can see. He felt attracted to someone else and ended the relationship with your cousin. It's the right thing to do. Hard for your cousin ( at the time) but he didn't string her along, he was honest. He was allowed to have doubts, and he didn't cheat on her. I think you sound over protective of your cousin maybe.

Honestly she " didn't go through all that"... She was 19! This is common in relationships at that age.... she's over it because they have moved on. A long time ago. My husband and I split up for a month after six months together and he went out in dates. . I had to drag that out of my memory because it is totally inconsequential now! I don't care, neither does he.

Vagaries

No, not at all. I don’t get arsy with anyone except my DH from time to time. I know I don’t have that right to put my feelings onto others.

I am surprised she didn’t tell me, only because I’m sad she didn’t feel she could.

But at the same time, she knows what I would have said 20 years ago - don’t you give him the time of day again! and she clearly didn’t want their relationship to end. So I do understand why she didn’t tell anyone.

My family have a bit of a history for keeping secrets. Another relative didn’t tell me that they’d gotten a divorce. In fact, I didn’t even know that the marriage had split up at all. I found out via Facebook when I saw pictures of their ‘ex’ with a new person - They’d divorced three years earlier and just hadn’t told anyone. Not that it’s for me to know, but for three years I’d been asking after the partner when we spotted them out shopping and been sending cards at birthdays and Christmas. It must have been so painful for them.

I think it’s possibly the way we were raised, Catholic, to feel shame over a breakup. Sex with one person, after marriage and all that. Personally I haven’t followed religion since I was allowed to make my own choice at 18, but some of my relatives are more devout.

Anyway, I’m wittering on. I just think she must have gone through hell, because of his choice and that she did it all alone. That makes me dislike him a little.

User

You’re right. It is common at that age and it’s been a long time. I need to let it go. I’m cross with him, but I think he’s been a good husband for many years.

Do you often make dramas and catastrophise other peoples lives OP for them OP? Perhaps that’s why people don’t share things that don’t meet with your idealised expectations? Do you consider yourself judgemental?
She was nineteen and split with her boyfriend- who kissed two other girls. They ended up getting back together. It sounds like young love experiences that most people can relate to. It’s never nice at the time - but relationship hell has far worse to offer than common tales of the fickleness of young love.