What would you make of this?

[Tilpop]

Just a bit of advice please?

I had my son 12 weeks ago. I had a Caesarian but it went really well and I was not bed bound and up and about after day two. I'm quite a strong person when it comes to operations etc (I had two operations before IVF to get my son and just got on with it) anyway.... my mum and DH mum helped a couple of days and DH went back to work after a week. So I've been with our son day and night for 12 weeks without a break. Which I don't mind because I love him.

He is working on some projects that for some reason seem to be taking a lot of his time.... he is leaving at 6 to travel two hours each day to do the jobs and drive back again.

The thing is he made a big deal about staying over on Thursday night as he had so much to do and needed to be on site early to which I said ok. He mentioned it loads saying his "mate" was staying too.
Then all of a sudden he wasn't staying over And came home in a foul mood, had a go at me saying he didn't care about me etc.

I said "what's up someone let you down?" He never said anything but we argued.

The next day he said he didnt want to discuss it and let's just draw a line and forget it, but if I had started the argument he would have made me explain myself.

The thing is thinking about it.... we have been together 8 years married 5 and I have never looked at his phone or been allowed to.

His phone, computer and both iPads have passcodes on which I have never had access to.

I don't know why I'm just thinking about it, he is always on his phone. And never calls us when he's at work to see if we are ok.

I walked into the bathroom to bath our son and he was on his phone, it looked like he moved screens really quick and I asked who he was talking to and he said "a mate".

He then mentioned yesterday why I had said "had someone let him down" I said "nothing" and he said "do you think I'm shacked up with some bird while I'm down here"

Why would he say that?

He is not an affectionate person at all. He doesn't kiss me or cuddle me and we haven't had sex since January. Partly because of the baby.

I don't think he would cheat, I just don't know what to think. His find my iPhone app show him at certain locations and never moves.

Sometimes I wonder about our relationship, we have cameras all over our house and he sees when I come and go. Who visits etc.

He has control of our bank accounts so he can see where I spend money etc.

I spend all day at home with our son and I'm so lonely.

Maybe I'm overthinking things.what should I do?

It’d get my senses tingling too regarding that “do you think I'm shacked up with some bird while I'm down here"

Do you want the cameras all over the house? Can you remove them?

Congratulations btw on the birth your lovely new baby

We Got broken into so they are a bonus but as soon as I leave the house he can see I've gone out so calls me to see where I'm going, or calls when I'm home asking if I'm home..... if he looked at his phone he would see on the cameras I'm Home

I didn't want to read and run op.

Firstly, yes you can cope alone with a newborn, but you shouldn't have to. What does he do on his days off? Does he get home after baby has been put down for bed and leave before baby is up for first feed? Does he have anything to do with baby day to day? If he doesn't then he's missing out on bonding time with his child, as well as making you the sole caregiver. You had ivf so I'm pretty sure you both wanted this baby very much, why does he now have such a lack of interest? Have you talked to him about this?

Secondly, why is there cameras all over the house? No need, if they're for security then they only need switching on if you go out. While you're at home there's no reason for you to be filmed. If he refuses this then that's a pretty big red flag.

You say you don't think he'd cheat but your post reads like you're suspicious and think he might be cheating. Trust your gut here that something isn't right.

If I'm perfectly honest, if I was in your situation I would be getting my ducks in a row but only because for me, from past experiences, the control of finances, phone secrecy and lack of affection would be deal breakers for me.

Do you own/rent and what is your financial position (do you work?)

Er, none of this sounds normal to me. Like, none of it.
🚩Cameras everywhere?
🚩Controlling with money?
🚩Foul mood after being let down about work?
🚩Won't discuss what went on?
🚩Secretive with his phone?

Wake up and smell the coffee! He doesn't even need to be shagging someone else for this to be all wrong.

Escape with the baby.

Do you still want them there?
He sounds controlling- checking where you are going. Especially when you aren’t being afforded the same privileges regarding his movement.
Who is this mate ?
Why did it fall through?
I think you are suspicious for good reassign. Even if it was innocent he shouldn’t be taking it out on you.

I work, on maternity at the moment.
We own a home together.

He used to want to be with his son but doesn't seem bothered now

He's cheating on you, and he's a controlling twat.

Congratulations on your lovely baby!
Aside from the questions about his phone and working late etc, your DH sounds very controlling. Monitoring you leaving the house and instantly asking where you’re going does not sound right. The lack of affection is not good, he should be treating you like a Queen after giving birth to a baby and staying at home non-stop. Men don’t always seem to understand how relentless it can be when you’re stuck at home with a new baby and no company.
I would consider whether or not you’re truly happy with him and think about what you want, whether he will change and if you see him in your future long term.

He sounds pretty awful tbh. The whole staying over/ change of plan and coming home in a foul mood sounds incredible suspicious and my first thought would be that he's cheating and had argued with the other woman. The cameras and controlling your finances also sound horrendous. I'd guess he's assuming you would behave as he is so he has to watch you to make sure you don't cheat. Are you really happy living like that? You sound like a strong person who doesn't need him.

He does sound really awful. Controlling, jealous and untrustworthy, too.

Are you in a position where you could move if you had to? Do you have a bit of money or a credit card?

I can't even check his phone because I don't know the passcode.... never have

I'd place a bet he was supposed to be having a dirty night with someone who had to cancel for whatever reason.... Explains his mood and comment about you thinking he's shacked up with someone..... He thinks you know something.

As an above poster pointed out there are red flags everywhere, financially controlling etc. In what way does he control the money.... Gives you a set amount or do you have free access but he's asking what you've spent money on?? Not that either is right but having access to money is much better than having to beg for it.

Trust your instincts here OP.... You need to try access his phone/ipad.

We have a joint account he has a separate one and so do I but I use the joint. He sees what shops I go into and when as we have an app on our phones that show exactly the time our cards are used. He never uses the joint account only his personal one

I don't think you do need to access his phone or ipad - the controlling and financial issues are enough. And his behaviour does sound like unfaithful - possibly serially which is why he's so controlling of you.
I'd start by insisting the cameras are under your control and off when you are home.
Contact Women's Aid - and talk to your Health Visitor, this is no way to live.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

He's cheating on you, and he's a controlling twat.

^^This

He was let down by his 'girlfriend '. Maybe she's married too

For a start, you could transfer regular lump sums from the joint account into your current account. If he asks why, say it is to make it easier for you to budget for Christmas, or something. Once it is in your current account, he won't be able to see your transaction history or keep track of where you are.

Oh, and by the way, I agree with other pp's - he had 'plans' for that night and they were scuppered at the last minute.

Does he have access to your phone and is he able to see what you are posting on here? Just concerned as he comes across as really controlling.

Even if he is not cheating the rest of his behaviour is disgusting

Can you cover all the cameras inside and the one outside where he can see you coming and going.

Do you know where he works, can you do some detective work.

I would be talking to women's aid and doing the freedom program if you can. Control like this is not normal. The sooner you get out the sooner you start gaining your own self respect.
Good luck.

Hello
Just ask him for his phone, computer and ipad pass codes and username and passwords for his emails and bank details, just incase something was ever to happen to him such as an accident and say you will give him yours, just say you have been worrying about this lately. If he says no, just reiterate that you are married so what's the problem? If he has nothing to hide he will pass them over, as would you. Good luck op and congratulations on the birth of your son.

He's a cheat and a vile, controlling, abusive arsehole. Run for your life.

I’m wondering what you actually get from this relationship? He seems completely disconnected from you or your son. He is obviously cheating and you need to sit him down and tell him how unhappy you are x

He sounds controlling and secretive,

Are you happy?

I think you need to consider an exit strategy