Underage sex / rape

[witcherbewitched]

I've name changed, as this is a dark topic and I'm not entirely sure what I need - possibly just the catharsis of telling someone.

When I was fifteen, I was in a sexual relationship with a twenty five year old on and off for a few months. It started off really well (/ as well as it could have given my current perspective on the situation) and he acted as though he was very emotionally invested in me - e.g. spending a lot of time with me, telling me he thought he might love me etc etc. I was a bit emotionally broken and probably didn't think I loved him, but I guess I enjoyed the attention to a certain extent.

Some stuff happened that (obvious age issues aside) made me feel like I was in the grey zone between rape and sex. So, any time I would come and see him and not want sex he would be fine on the day and continuously reassure me that I didn't have to do anything sexual - only to come home and return to messages from him about me wasting his time and essentially making false promises. This happened once on a day where I didn't want to have sex with him because I was dealing with emotional fallout from family issues, but after that I just had sex with him (or did sexual things) because it was easier to say yes and not deal with him taking his "love" away.

Writing it down it does seem closer to sexual assault than sex - but I still feel like it was my fault. I told him I wanted sex and he met up with me I guess under the idea that I would provide it, and he was never violent so it never really registered as anything dodgy.

I also had a whole slew of family / mental health issues and after this, when I was sixteen I had a one-night-stand with a fifty one year old (I guess out of anger and self destruction).This also made me feel like what happened with the 25 year old was my fault, as no self respecting person hops into bed with someone who might hurt them (particularly with a big age gap).

I'm now getting closer to his age, and I can't ever imagine having sex with a fifteen year old, but I also can't quite connect the dots as to if it was sexual assault or a miscommunication. It makes me feel like shit, as I never want to have in my head that someone had bad intentions if they didn't but I think it did fuck me up pretty badly - sexual assault or not.

Sorry, I know this is a bit of a dark and odd one for a Thursday night. Feel free to tell me I made shit choices, if you think that's the right thing to do. I think I just needed to tell an unbiased party.Thank you x

I guess I just wish I knew how to shake off the feelings of self blame / guilt. E.g. "I knew I was underage when I met him", "I should have known what was happening, "he probably didn't realise what he was doing". It's all nonsense, but I've had this cycle of thoughts going around my head for a long time and it's quite hard to break it now.

I don't try and look for him on social media anymore (though I did for a long time), but I can't find anyone by the name he gave me so he may have lied. I'm just very scared in case he's done this to anyone else - I remember him making a joke about me being underage after sex, so I really really despise the concept of him doing this to another young person. I guess I also hate that he could have long term relationships / marriage, and his partner might not know.

I think I've got some more sexual trauma from the other 25 year old as well (but I guess I feel guilty about that because I told him I was 16 as I didn't want to face the thought of him being attracted to underage girls). He was pretty controlling (as well as calling me names, and putting some pressure on me to do sexual stuff, though I don't know if it was intentional). But he used drugs quite a lot, so maybe it was that.

I'm glad you're part of the healing process too. I guess (don't take this the wrong way haha!) but I feel a bit of the friend and mum comfort happening, and I don't get a lot of either. You're kind to read through all of my complaining though haha! xx

Definitely not your fault. You were a very vulnerable young person, with issues at home. Perfect predator material

@eatsleepread

Definitely not your fault. You were a very vulnerable young person, with issues at home. Perfect predator material

Thank you, @eatsleepread.

I'm very bad at acknowledging the possibility I am / was vulnerable, which is probably why I didn't think it was wrong at the time.

Thank you for replying, I appreciate it

We see things so very, very differently when we're young ... and older.
I had no idea about boundaries back then, and probably wouldn't have realised it was wrong either.
Thankfully age, experience and wisdom teach us otherwise.
Take care x

When we are young, particularly teenagers, we think we know enough. It's only as we get older and look around at youngsters that we realise how inexperienced they are. I have some sympathy with an age gap among young people, because they see each other as grown up. When it's a significant age gap though, there is no excuse. They should realise the immaturity of the other person.

I think when I was a teen, it wasn't seen as particularly damaging to the young girl. I think men saw it as 'getting sex' and knew it was disrespectful but didn't necessarily think of it as harmful. There was a bit of a 'good girls don't' thing, so you were making someone into a 'bad girl'.

Men who take advantage of girls, girls who may be acting out and vulnerable because of previous experience are predatory and abusive.

Maybe in the past they were just selfish, ignorant, greedy... and didn't treat girls like proper people.

I'm confused now! Hope I haven't confused anyone else with my meanderings!

I do not believe it is ever a young person's 'fault' when they have a sexual relationship with an older person. I do not believe adults lose their judgement or ability to refuse sex. They make a conscious, informed choice.

Shitty men prey on vulnerable women and underage girls , targeted.
You were targeted
Some good advice from previous peeps

Thank you everyone