Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Counselling after (sort of) cheating

35 replies

kayoutdoors · 01/10/2020 16:45

Before I cause too many issues I say sort of because it was online.

So during lockdown I was bored, isolated in a house (but not to the extent that the gf didn't see me once we had a bubble).

So I got chatting to couples/people online on a certain site. NOT PROUD OF THIS AT ALL. Her last ex cheated too, yes it's caused her more issues, again not proud.

I let her down, destroyed trust, she found out and called me on it. I've now lost her most importantly and the house were going to move into, the future etc.

I'm going to counselling and I asked her if she'd come along to a couples one. Not dismissive but she stated it won't be for her, has anyone found counselling helped? Or have you walked away from the relationship and both moved on?

I'm just working my way through some other conversations on here too.

OP posts:
Glitterb · 01/10/2020 16:49

As someone who has been cheated on in the past, I would walk away like she has done. Once the trust is gone, so has the relationship unfortunately.
Let her move on with someone who respects her

Opentooffers · 01/10/2020 16:57

Lol, hope you've learnt your lesson the hard way now you've lost her. I think if I was your ex-GF, I'd be a bit "why the F should I do counselling?" It wasn't her bad, you however, could deffintley benefit from counselling. It's amazing how some people are so willing to get involved in actions that would devastate someone they allegedly love. Actions have consequences, and you have shown grave disrespect, now why this was not a consideration before you acted, God only knows. If the urge was that strong, maybe swinging with couples should be something to stick to and stop trying to be conventional as it just messes with others. Oops! I was bored, just doesn't cut it.

newnameforthis123 · 01/10/2020 17:04

@Glitterb

As someone who has been cheated on in the past, I would walk away like she has done. Once the trust is gone, so has the relationship unfortunately. Let her move on with someone who respects her
This. Too late.

You're asking way more from her than you should even remotely expect.

You fucked up, she's dealing with the consequences of that for her.

You need to deal with the consequences for you, which is being single due to losing her and now having some counselling to work out why you behaved this way.

newnameforthis123 · 01/10/2020 17:06

So I got chatting to couples/people online on a certain site. NOT PROUD OF THIS AT ALL. Her last ex cheated too, yes it's caused her more issues, again not proud.

I let her down, destroyed trust, she found out and called me on it. I've now lost her most importantly and the house were going to move into, the future etc.

Just read this again and I can't believe you had the nerve to ask her to go to counselling with you! She will have had to push through so many barriers and worries to be with someone after her ex cheated... and now it's happened again. Leave her alone so she can move on.

GoneAndDoneItAgainAgain · 01/10/2020 17:15

The nerve of asking her to go to counselling with you Shock. I’m sorry op but you’ve made your bed and you need to move on. Hopefully counselling will help you understand why you acted the way you did.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 01/10/2020 17:21

Why do you think she needs to go for counselling with you? Are you hoping she'll be an appreciative audience to when you pour your sincere little heart out about how bad you feel for hurting yourself her?

Original poster
kayoutdoors · 01/10/2020 18:09

Well i asked her to come cause I thought a mediator might help and let me explain, yes i agree she doesn’t have to but I surely can’t be the only person to have done this, there’s a reason counsellors have jobs. My feeble excuse it that i never met anyone, it was just chatting.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 01/10/2020 18:39

Yes, sorry I wouldn't hang around again if cheated on, even virtually.

AmandaHugenkiss · 01/10/2020 19:09

@kayoutdoors

Well i asked her to come cause I thought a mediator might help and let me explain, yes i agree she doesn’t have to but I surely can’t be the only person to have done this, there’s a reason counsellors have jobs. My feeble excuse it that i never met anyone, it was just chatting.
You can’t explain. There isn’t anything you can say that will make this an acceptable thing to have done. It will all sound like excuses, because it will be excuses. She doesn’t owe you her time to listen to you trying to justify it.

You need to accept that your actions have caused the relationship to end, and let her move on. You can’t change the outcome of this situation but you can go to counselling and work to make sure you don’t repeat this cycle of behaviour in the future.

Dontbeme · 01/10/2020 19:53

So at some point she confided an ex cheated, ending that relationship and probably told you how difficult that was for her, how hurt she was, and then you do the same thing. Good for her, she has lived and learned and now knows what she won't tolerate in a relationship. Maybe you can learn from this too OP, in time.

GoneAndDoneItAgainAgain · 01/10/2020 20:01

Of course you’re not the only person to have ever done this. Some partners might tolerate or forgive this behaviour but she hasn’t. She’s made her mind up and left due to your actions. Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do to change her mind. The best you can do is go to the counselling, try and understand why you did what you did and why it caused her to leave.

Lilybetsey · 01/10/2020 20:57

There IS no explanation that will make it ok. You chose to do something hurtful and disrespectful. You knew it would hurt and upset her, but your needs and wants were more important. You evidently care much more about yourself than her, and rightly she knows she’s worth much much more ...
go to see a therapist to deal with your own behaviour but don’t expect her to waste one more second on you

BubblyBarbara · 01/10/2020 21:01

Look I am religious and the idea that "chatting to people" is cheating is absolutely ridiculous. Grow some whatever it is you have and stand up for yourself

GoneAndDoneItAgainAgain · 01/10/2020 21:10

bubblybarbara you’d be fine for your partner to be chatting to strangers on swinging websites? Confused

BubblyBarbara · 01/10/2020 21:19

Well he passed away a few years ago but if there's no physical contact going on I don't think words down a wire is "cheating" even if I didn't like it. If you were going down that path then why wouldn't looking at pornography also be cheating?

IncandescentSilver · 01/10/2020 21:33

I'm not sure what she would need counselled for, as she's dealt with it the correct way and coubselling would just be an excuse for you to longer in her life.

What cheating does is expose all the Chester's faults that you previously dudbt see, so that you don't find them attractive any more. At least thats what happened to me when my ex got bored and cheated on me during lockdown. I'm just not attracted to him any more, I don't see him as boyfriend material.

Your girlfriend will have learned to spot the, signs of men like you to avoid. I personally find the way you write flippant - "the gf", as if she was an object in your life and not a person, all the commas linking sentences because you can't be bothered to structure properly - dont like it. There's something off putting about it.

Onthedunes · 02/10/2020 01:36

No second chances
I would respect her decision

When she looks at you now she finds you repulsive and seedy.

bethany39 · 02/10/2020 01:42

She's made her decision OP. You don't get to dictate that she has to give you a second chance. What is she supposed to be getting counselling for? She sounds like she's dealt with your pathetic behaviour great tbh.

DioneTheDiabolist · 02/10/2020 01:57

She doesn't need to go to counselling. You crossed a clear line OP and she dumped you for it, and rightly so.
there’s a reason counsellors have jobs.
Yeah and it isn't to convince people with clear boundaries to get back with ExPs who don't respect them. Stop using counselling as a reason to make her take you back, and start using it to explore why you fucked up a relationship you say you wanted.🤷‍♀️

user1481840227 · 02/10/2020 02:04

Do you need counselling or were you just bored and felt entitled to seek out a bit of fun and excitement during a boring time?

DreamADay · 02/10/2020 07:04

How did she find out and were you planning to take things any further, what were your intentions?
Would you have carried on if you hadn't been rumbled and have you done this sort of thing before?
I think this will help us understand the bigger picture and your motives.
Also, how would you feel if you discovered she was on a similar site?

ILoveAnOwl · 02/10/2020 07:18

We did. It's helped a bit, but basically the trust has gone and the relationship is a sham now.

So it was an expensive exercise with little to show for it...

Nandakanda · 02/10/2020 07:29

You didn't cheat. I do wonder why you would be looking at such a website, but all you are doing on here is subjecting yourself to MN double standards ie. women have crushes, men have "emotional affairs".

Sounds like it's over anyway. Better luck next time.

PersonaNonGarter · 02/10/2020 07:33

OP, why don’t you offer her counselling on her own, to support her with what you put her through? Then you could suggest you go together at a later date.

FWIW I think counselling sounds like a good idea. And definitely worth trying before giving up on a relationship.

Treacletoots · 02/10/2020 07:33

You can't explain away your behaviour. You've completely shattered the trust in your relationship and she has every right to walk away - and I would always tell someone to walk away from this because if someone can even consider doing such a thing to you, they don't respect or care about you enough.

Better luck next time....