Counselling after (sort of) cheating

[kayoutdoors]

Before I cause too many issues I say sort of because it was online.

So during lockdown I was bored, isolated in a house (but not to the extent that the gf didn't see me once we had a bubble).

So I got chatting to couples/people online on a certain site. NOT PROUD OF THIS AT ALL. Her last ex cheated too, yes it's caused her more issues, again not proud.

I let her down, destroyed trust, she found out and called me on it. I've now lost her most importantly and the house were going to move into, the future etc.

I'm going to counselling and I asked her if she'd come along to a couples one. Not dismissive but she stated it won't be for her, has anyone found counselling helped? Or have you walked away from the relationship and both moved on?

I'm just working my way through some other conversations on here too.

Don't be stupid! She's ended it and that's her right. You don't get the chance to explain more if she doesn't want you to.

She's doing the right thing. Respect her decision and let her get on with her life.
What you do about yourself is up to you.

You " sort of" cheated
You " only chatted/ never met anyone"
You " can't be the only one- that's why therapists have jobs"

And you want to use therapy/ therapist to manipulate your ex into forgiving you?

Op
Honestly- it sounds like you are not prepared to fully accept the consequences of your actions.

Are you doing that thing where you go to counselling because you want to " prove" how sorry you are? Is counselling just to get your ex back, or is it to work through your own crap?

Be honest

You want a counsellor to help you EXPLAIN??? That's the worst reason I ever heard for someone to go to counselling.
The only good reason for her to join you in counselling would be if you were staying together and needed support to work through what happened as a couple.
However, that is not your situation.

She has ended the relationship. Asking her to come to a counsellor to help you explain, sounds like you're hoping she will understand and maybe forgive you or will let you off the hook or I don't know what you're after. But your intentions are not coming from a very generous place.

You want to be heard. You want to be understood. Maybe spend a bit more time focusing on her. You would have to walk over hot coals, across broken glass and frozen wastelands before you earned the right to a fair hearing on your 'reasons'.

But she doesn't need counselling does she?

You cheated, she held her head up and walked away, she has strong boundries and sense of self worth, what would she get out of it? Why on earth would she waste her time and money on something she doesn't need?

@Somethingkindaoooo

You " sort of" cheated You " only chatted/ never met anyone" You " can't be the only one- that's why therapists have jobs"

And you want to use therapy/ therapist to manipulate your ex into forgiving you?

Op
Honestly- it sounds like you are not prepared to fully accept the consequences of your actions.

Are you doing that thing where you go to counselling because you want to " prove" how sorry you are? Is counselling just to get your ex back, or is it to work through your own crap?

Be honest

This.

Reading your posts, OP, this is what I picked up on. You are minimising your actions and using all of the above as excuses.

You need to go to counselling alone for your own issues.

If you have said any of the above to your partner, she will see the same thing. What she is actually hearing from you is “Why are you making such a huge fuss? What I did isn’t that bad and anyway, loads of people do it”

Yes it is that bad and no, not everyone does this. Those that do it in secret and without their partner’s consent are cheating. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Once you have truly accepted responsibility for what you did and shown her true remorse, not guilt, remorse, if you are very lucky she might give you a second chance. It really is up to her though. At the moment OP I wouldn’t consider you as a safe partner because you are saying things that suggest still can’t really see that you did anything wrong. You can still justify it so might do it again. Google some of the infidelity sites and you’ll see why.

I hope you find out what led you to cheat and grow from this to become a good partner in your future relationships.

She doesn't need counselling. She needs a new partner.

I think you are a cheeky fucker.

@BubblyBarbara

Well he passed away a few years ago but if there's no physical contact going on I don't think words down a wire is "cheating" even if I didn't like it. If you were going down that path then why wouldn't looking at pornography also be cheating?

What is great about relationships is that we all get to choose our own boundaries. Yes, some people would consider porn cheating, and even crossing a very big boundary.

We don't know the extent of the "cheating" and what he was discussing, for his ex to feel he cheated, it was probably very sexual and/or emotional in nature.

His ex is free to do what she needs in order to make sure her boundaries are respected, and her life the way she wants it.

OP's ex had been cheated on.
OP knew this
Op did something that his ex considered was cheating
OP's ex found out... again, she found out he didn't have the balls to tell her, she found out
She dumped him
OP's sorry (but only sorry he got caught)
Op now expects his ex to do something that would ease his guilt.

@kayoutdoors but I surely can’t be the only person to have done this

Well you know you're not the only one, because HER EX DID IT TOO!!