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Original poster

Asking the OW for info

30 replies

Reb4evaaa · 01/10/2020 14:18

Is this ever a good idea?

My friends DH cheated on her for months and now he isn’t with the OW anymore but the OW has got in touch with her, is my friend crazy to want to talk things through with her? I couldn’t think of anything worse! As much as I’d want to know, there would be no way to un-know it.

Anyone else being in the situation as the DW of the OW?

OP posts:
hexmeginny · 01/10/2020 14:21

Why has the OW got in touch?

Original poster
Reb4evaaa · 01/10/2020 14:22

@hexmeginny because the DH left the OW, so I assume it’s to talk about what an arsehole he is ?

OP posts:
hexmeginny · 01/10/2020 14:33

Depends I suppose. Did the OW know he was married? If so, what on earth would be the point. Your friend would be ill-advised to talk to her.

If not, maybe the OW was deceived and wants to try and explain her side of the story. In which case, maybe your friend might want to hear it.

But I cannot see it ending well.

Original poster
Reb4evaaa · 01/10/2020 14:36

@hexmeginny the OW knew.

Yeah that’s what I’ve said, it’s not going to be things she wants to hear but she seems pretty adamant

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 01/10/2020 14:36

The OW showed up at my house when (now ex) fuckwit dumped her to say her piece. She lied through her back teeth to me even though I already knew the truth of what happened between them, she was arrogant and smug, told me I should stay with him and that I was better off not knowing what had gone on between them, yet she demanded answers off me for the lies he had told her, my advice tell her to jog on, a liar and cheat has nothing of value to say to anyone.

Starlight39 · 01/10/2020 15:55

Is your friend staying with the H? I guess it'd only be helpful if the H was trying to deny or downplay the relationship and the wife was deciding whether to stay with him and wanted to know if he was telling the full story. I think it'd be soul destroying to have to go to the other woman though.

I left my exH after his affair and although at times, I wanted to know all the details, I didn't get in touch with the OW (I could have as I knew her). I just felt it would be keeping my dignity more to just move on without having to beg her for details. I knew enough. I also didn't want to feed the drama which a few people seemed to be revelling in (mutual friends and possibly the OW).

hexmeginny · 01/10/2020 16:35

So, the OW knew he was married. Her motivation for reaching out to talk to the wife can only be out or maliciousness & drama or guilt. Either way, AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE.

xsquared · 01/10/2020 16:38

Sounds like she's out for revenging for being dumped.

xsquared · 01/10/2020 16:39

Revenge.

Ispywithmycynicaleye · 01/10/2020 17:01

I spoke to the OW. Neither of us knew about each other although there had been suspicions. We talked for 2 hours and found it helped us both. She was really nice, and I felt so sorry for her because she really loved him.
I guess it depends why your friend wants to talk to her. I went out of my mind everytime I had a feeling something wasnt right and met with gas lighting. It helped me see I wasnt crazy and helped me see the full picture (without details) rather than fragments of incidents I thought were just all in my head. Obviously this isn't for everyone and each situation is different.

AgentJohnson · 02/10/2020 07:31

She may hear things that she doesn’t want to hear but should. It could help her or it might devastate her but it is her call.

Sunflower1970 · 03/10/2020 09:44

I’d avoid meeting the other woman. Why pile on more pain and learning every detail of stuff you don’t need to know won’t help!

blisstwins · 03/10/2020 20:00

Horrid idea. Your friend should just leave the circus show.

blisstwins · 03/10/2020 20:01

Tell her to start reading chumplady

SoulofanAggron · 03/10/2020 20:27

I was the OW and once I fully realized what he was like and blocked him on everything, I contacted 'ex's' wife to tell her what he got up to (numerous different lovers, including hundreds of acts with anonymous men. Constant attempts to get together with women.)

Yes I'm sure on one level I wanted to make life hard for him, but on the other hand I genuinely thought she had a right to know what was going on in her own life. She's in her 50s, if she knew she could make an informed decision about how she wanted to spend the rest of her life.

It could be that he's up to more stuff than your friend knows about, and that's why the OW has contacted her.

If someone 'just' knew of their husband having one affair, they might be more likely to let them off. If their husband was treating trying to get laid with anyone possible as a full time job, including group sex with anyone who was there, the wife would've been misled if she thought it was just the one, and her decision on what to do wouldn't be an inforrmed one.

Cloudywithrainbows · 03/10/2020 22:59

I did and whilst it was useful to find out some info with regards to financial information it’s not something I would recommend. In my experience I know I would have started to move on quicker if I hadn’t have kept up 4 weeks of messaging with her - I eventually stopped it when it was confirmed they were still seeing each other so I now believe she was playing me for information, I was too raw and desperate to save my marriage to see it at the time. 2 years on I now know she did me a favour (of sorts) and they lasted 6 months.

SD1978 · 03/10/2020 23:21

Would it make any difference to your friend? Has she stayed with her husband? Is their any financial ties between OW and husband? If this is something she feels would help her move on, or their is anything she thinks she would gain from it, sure. If not, tell the OW to back off and delete/ block her. She doesn't get to make the rules, she gets to follow them.

YellowHighlighterPen · 03/10/2020 23:23

Recommend Chumplady. Also why would your friend want to waste her time talking to someone who was happy to knowingly fuck a cheater? Nuts!

MushMonster · 03/10/2020 23:26

Nope, the OW will turn up to be vile and a lier. Nothing to gain here for your friend. OW is not doing this for your friend.

Iloveme30 · 03/10/2020 23:33

Ow never ever means well .
Stay well clear . She's scorned . KARMA has come knocking to her 😂

DelphiniumBlue · 03/10/2020 23:39

OW is doing this for her own reasons, not to help out your friend come to terms with what has happened. So unless your friend has a particular reason for meeting up with OW, like she wants things confirmed so that she can find out whether her H is an even bigger liar than she thought, she might be better off avoiding this.

Baws · 03/10/2020 23:57

@MushMonster
That’s a bit of a generalisation isn’t it? Hmm
Every situation is unique. I was contacted by my ex H’s OW. I saw her as more of a victim of his lies. He had lied to both of us and I actually found it quite helpful. She told me a few things that he denied but that I later found out to be true. It actually helped me when I finally kicked him out after he did it again.

MushMonster · 04/10/2020 00:02

@Baws This OW knew he was married. OP posted it earlier. She is only contacting her once the man has left the relationship with her. It does not sound any good to me. I think OP's friend is not with her H, so what does she have to gain talking to OW?

Baws · 04/10/2020 00:10

@MushMonster

That’s exactly the situation I was in except I was going to relate to see if we could sort it out. It helped me. The information she told me was that he had another affair about 10 years before. I had my suspicions at the time so it helped me to realise I wasn’t going mad.

fahrt · 04/10/2020 07:29

My friend did this and it helped her a lot initially as her EH was
Gaslighting her for years.

However, the OW messaged her for months, taunting her. She even gave out her number to her friends, who also messaged her! Pretty vile behaviour.

Thankfully my friend is much classier and she ignored them, but it hurt her a lot.