Asking the OW for info

[Reb4evaaa]

Is this ever a good idea?

My friends DH cheated on her for months and now he isn’t with the OW anymore but the OW has got in touch with her, is my friend crazy to want to talk things through with her? I couldn’t think of anything worse! As much as I’d want to know, there would be no way to un-know it.

Anyone else being in the situation as the DW of the OW?

The OW is doing this for revenge and also because she is enraged that he's now rejected her in the same way he did his wife.

He's removed her control and she wants it back.

If she does talk, record what she says. Because there's no guarantee also that she'll tell the truth.

I knew an insane OW. She said all sorts and he wouldn't believe me that she's said it. She was Jekyll and Hyde and thrives on lies.

Basically talking to the OW could make it worse but probably worth doing for closure.

I think asking the OW for information gives them far too much power. However, I understand the need to probe in order to identify if the two stories adds up.

A friend of mine discovered her husband was unfaithful. He minimised the length of the affair. She contacted OW giving the impression he had confessed all. She asked why they had allowed it to go on so long. The OW fed right into her hands and broke down in tears apologising - the affair had been going on for well over a year.

I can't see the value in speaking to the OW

Doesn't sound like she will necessarily tell the truth and will likely make it unpleasant for your friend. If it was unpleasant details but true then maybe at least she would know the full ugly situation and make a decision accordingly but this is more about causing gratuitous upset for the OW who was aware the husband was married.

I would advise your friend to leave well alone, work with the facts she has- her husband had sex with another woman and presumably lied to her, or went to some lengths to disguise this behaviour. That's really all she needs to know, other details don't really change anything.

The OW would not be this invested if it was a meaningless drunken one off (not saying I would accept that but I know some would see a difference between that and a protracted affair).

Talk about what though?

Her DH put his dick in this other woman, why does she want all the details? The OW behaved just as disgustingly as the DH, I wouldn’t trust a word that come out of her mouth.

Raking over the past isn’t going to do your friend any favours.

I have a friend battling with stbXH -- friend is very keen to talk to the OW. OW keeps cancelling (long ago broke up with the XH too). I don't really follow why, but Friend seems to think she'll get some answers about how and why her husband changed. I think she's still looking for the husband she thought she had & she needs some proof that he wasn't that person while with OW, either.

Friend is very curious what line he told OW, Friend is desperate to try to understand his mindset. I don't understand why because I never believed in perfect marriage but Friend thought she had perfect marraiage, and is still struggling to believe she didn't. She needs more data to help her make sense of what she thought were 16 happy years.