I tried to discuss vasectomies with my husband This is how it went

[enjoyeverymoment]

Myself and my husband have 3 small dc. We know our family is complete so naturally the topic of contraception has come up.
We went to the gp together and my gp basically was dismissive of vasectomys and suggested the coil for me. From what I read it can cause heavy periods so I decided I didn't want the risk as I already suffer and the pill used to make me very hormonal years ago.

My husband is very against having a vasectomy because he is afraid of any side effects and is now saying because the gp was dismissive she obviously doesn't recommend it either. I've recently learned of a new no scalpel procedure and discussed it with him but again he shot me down and wouldn't discuss it further. I wasn't asking him to book an appointment but read up about it, talk to his friends ect just consider it.

I've explained to him that I went through a lot multiple miscarriages prior to having dc, procedures to find out the reason I was miscarrying, bad birth on ds 1 and two sections on dds and I never gave the effects on my body a second though as it was worth it. His reply was well you wanted three I would have settled at two. We agreed three and not once did he suggested had doubts after dd2. His only condition was number 3 was conceived before we turn 40. He is a great dad to all 3 children and I've no doubt he loves them but he always maintains how I wanted 3 not him.

The thing I have an issue with though is if I fell pregnant again he would be hinting I'd have an abortion. He wouldn't make me but I would hear all the negative things another baby would do to us.

I hear women all the time saying how their husband went and had a vasectomy so they wouldn't worry anymore about falling pregnant and so they wouldn't be pumping their bodies with hormones ect. My husband would gladly sit back and say nothing if I announced tomorrow I was having my tubes tied without discussing the risk then reap in the reward. That's how I feel anyway.

At the moment we're using condoms but it's not good. The simple solution is to stop having sex but where does that leave our marriage.

My DH's vasectomy (that wasn't) went quite badly wrong. The anesthesitic didn't work properly and they could only complete one side and it was agony. Then he got a haematoma and very bad swelling and pain. He could barely get out of bed for a week and then had ongoing pain for about 18 months. Of course it didn't work as well. It is important to look at the real pros and cons. When it goes wrong the cons can be significant.

@gamerchick yes they do.. I have endometriosis and have had 3 GPS and two specialist trying to make me have the coil fitted.. I've asked my gp to put in capital letters "doesn't want the coil" it's like a bloody joke.

@Lockheart, I disagree. Because I think there’s a high likelihood that the OP’s DH hasn’t given any thought to contraception at all all these years just seeing it as something his wife took care of. And I think that’s the care for many men. So when the woman final decides she’s had enough of taking responsibility for contraception or no longer wants to take hormones then they get grumpy about having to consider it.

Also, whilst I’m a big advocate of using condoms, they’re still leaving the OP open to an accidental pregnancy which she does not want. She wants her husband to at least discuss it fully. And why shouldn’t he take his turn if she’s taken her turn for so long and given birth to their children? My husband certainly saw it that way and I’m sure many other decent men do too. It’s not that my DH relished having it done. More that he understood that after everything I’d done in that regard, it was only fair that he did that to ensure I’d never need to do any of those things again. Marriage is give and take; love and respect and by agreeing to the vasectomy, my DH was showing me he respected me and genuinely understood what I’d put my body through in the first half of our marriage.

If he thinks having a vacectomy will dampen down his libedo he is wrong. My first dh had one and if anything it boosted our sex life, because I was no longer scared of getting pregnant again. Do you think your DH is scared of this?

@EvilEdna1, I’m sorry your DH went through that but that must be very rare. A quick google suggests the chances of a haematoma during vasectomy is 0.1%.

I would say there are risks associated with any procedure. The risk of pregnancy and childbirth are much higher yet I imagine very few men consider those when encouraging their wives to have a baby.

I would also suggest asking the Dr performing the vasectomy for his success rates and stats on long term problems.

When I needed an amino during my last pregnancy, I was naturally worried about the 1% MC rate. I spoke to the Dr who was performing mine and he said it’s important to get individual stats. His MC rate following amino was under 0.20%.

@NellyJames I completely agree - marriage is give and take, love and respect, and that's why contraception should be a mutual decision.

Which is why it should have been discussed much sooner. You can't bumble along doing something you're not happy with (but not communicating it to your partner) and then suddenly turn it around on them years later. Nor can you imply men owe it to us to have an operation for giving birth, when presumably the decision to have children was made together. That's not fair - clearly they can't do it themselves (although I dearly wish they could...!). It seems there's been a distinct lack of constructive discussion previously.

I'm sorry but I really don't see contraception as something you take turns at. Sex is something you do together, not take turns at, and all decisions around that should be made together. If that means one person takes the "brunt" of it (be it condoms or the pill or whatever) then that's fine - as long as both are happy with that. If they're not happy with that then they need to communicate.

I really don't think the prevailing attitude on this thread of "fuck him, sex ban, leave the bastard" is a healthy response - assuming OP wants to stay in the relationship and have a good sex life with this man, of course.

It sounds like he's very selfish in several ways, however, so it seems this isn't a good relationship in any case.

@PersonaNonGarter

Stop having sex. If your husband wants it he can help come up with a solution that involves him.

One thing, I really really wouldn’t do too much discussing. You have done all the work to now. Your actions speak for themselves. Now he can take some action.

This.

Where does it leave your marriage if he goes on acting like a selfish arse?

@NellyJames yes rare but ongoing pain is less rare and there is dispute about how common it is. medium.com/@agent_scruples/how-common-is-chronic-pain-after-vasectomy-4bfcd7f0959f. It's important men make informed decisions about their health, just like women should. Without pressure or guilt trips on either side.

You don't have a marriage in my opinion.
Your husband doesn't view you as an equal.
I'd stop having sex too.
You're not a sex worker expected to facilitate his sex life, when he clearly doesn't care about you.

I had it, had a lot of pain for a long period which almost cost me my career.
A friend had a worse experience with it.
I resent my wife a bit for basically making it my only option if we were to continue having sex.
I wouldn't recommend it.

@ForestDad

I had it, had a lot of pain for a long period which almost cost me my career. A friend had a worse experience with it. I resent my wife a bit for basically making it my only option if we were to continue having sex. I wouldn't recommend it.

Were you happy using condoms?

Yep

I would order loads of catalogues for blow up dolls in his name & if he asks why, tell him it is the only kind of sex he will be getting if he doesn't have the snip. Or banish him to the spare room until he decides to have one. He is being totally selfish by refusing & cruel by telling you he didn't want the last child. Why should you be the one who is responsible for contraception the whole of your marriage & have to suffer everything that pregnancy & giving birth involves?

@Mydogmylife thank you - totally unnecessary comment by @JunkCrumpet

@SourcePlease yes so I saw!

@EvilEdna1 what happened to your dh was very unfortunate and I believe pretty rare! Plus the cons of female contraception, conception, pregnancy and childbirth are ALSO "significant" and far more common! And can be long term even rest of the woman's life.

@dhisreadingmypostsagain I've a gynaecologist has put it in writing its contraindicated in my case (also endo plus "wonky" cervix and uterus ) yet I STILL regularly - even though I'm not sexually active! Get GPs and practice nurses trying to push the coil on me - the last time it happened the original appointment related to my asthma meds!

I wouldn't wish the bad experiences on anyone, but I don't think they're an argument against given the comparison shows that the risks and number of possible cons are far lower for vasectomy

Vasectomy carries a 10% risk of serious medical complications which are frequently untreatable. There is also a further 20% incidence of painful side effects lasting up to three months. I'm medically qualified and I wouldn't let my husband have one. Apart from that it is his body and totally his decision, and he really doesn't have to justify that. As for withholding sex; wouldn't that be cutting your nose off to spite your face ?. I was sterilised after my third. It was done under local anesthetic and I was in and out in a day.

I am certain that I would have no interest in having sex with a man like this. For me, a prerequisite for sex is love, including feeling loved, and knowing that my partner is more focused on my needs than his own whilst I am more focused on his needs than my own. For me this is how sex gets to be any good at all, and how it achieves the status of "making love". Selfish sex where both parties are focused on themselves is ultimately unfulfilling, and unevenly balanced sex where one person has an unselfish mindset and the other has a selfish mindset is a hallmark of an abusive relationship.

So the idea of a man with so little regard for the trauma of miscarriage and years of being overloaded with synthetic hormones and the potential trauma of abortion, that he isn't willing to even consider taking a small part of the traumatic burden himself- well that is a total turn-off.

Where it leaves your marriage depends on how much of a selfish git he really is. If he is a decent man then he will realise he has been being an arsehole, will give his head a wobble and reset his priorities remembering how important your wellbeing is to him, and will get himself sorted. If he remains focused on himself and resents you for not conveniently absorbing him of all the effort required for safe and effective contraception - then yes the relationship is in trouble. But that will have been his choice, not yours - and avoiding that path by giving in to his selfishness would be a very unhealthy alternative.

@ForestDad

I had it, had a lot of pain for a long period which almost cost me my career. A friend had a worse experience with it. I resent my wife a bit for basically making it my only option if we were to continue having sex. I wouldn't recommend it.

But really, why should she continue to have sex if the risk of pregnancy is too much for her? Your not owed sex.

Its called taking one for the team, she did with pregnancy, birth, contraception over the years I assume, so if you want sex, sort out reliable contraception. Condoms have a high failure rate out of all contraception so I don't blame her for thinking not reliable enough.

I think the painful side effects for 3 months is quite laughable. Pregnancy lasts 9 months. I think you will find that at least 20% of women suffer some kind of negative side effect during this time. Do you really think that over 80% of pregnant women sail through pregnancy unknowingly? Feeling exactly the same as the did before pregnancy.
Then there is childbirth which for me was the most painful experience of my life. Nothing compared to the pain I went through.
Then the after effects. Again if you get believe that over 80% of women have zero side effects after giving birth then you are wrong.
The vast majority of women experience negative side effects from either being pregnant, giving birth or , after birth.
Then the effects of female contraception.
Then the effects of female sterilisation.
No I'm not buying that it's more dangerous for a man. That is not true.
Women suffer for years.
Again if you believe that over 80% of women suffer from zero side effects as a result of contraception ,giving birth, trying to avoid getting pregnant, having an abortion etc you are wrong.

I'm sorry but I really don't see contraception as something you take turns at

Another way of saying its the woman's responsibility.

My ex husband told me to get a hysterectomy when I discussed vasectomy with him...

@C8H10N4O2

I'm sorry but I really don't see contraception as something you take turns at

Another way of saying its the woman's responsibility.

No, it's whoever's responsibility the couple agree between them it is.

And as long as they're both happy, there's no problem with that.

And as long as they're both happy, there's no problem with that

OP is not happy. DH refuses to take responsibility. Ergo the woman ends up dealing with the consequences of his selfish behaviours.

You cannot have mutual agreement where there is no equality.

[quote Lockheart]@NellyJames I completely agree - marriage is give and take, love and respect, and that's why contraception should be a mutual decision.

Which is why it should have been discussed much sooner. You can't bumble along doing something you're not happy with (but not communicating it to your partner) and then suddenly turn it around on them years later. Nor can you imply men owe it to us to have an operation for giving birth, when presumably the decision to have children was made together. That's not fair - clearly they can't do it themselves (although I dearly wish they could...!). It seems there's been a distinct lack of constructive discussion previously.

I'm sorry but I really don't see contraception as something you take turns at. Sex is something you do together, not take turns at, and all decisions around that should be made together. If that means one person takes the "brunt" of it (be it condoms or the pill or whatever) then that's fine - as long as both are happy with that. If they're not happy with that then they need to communicate.

I really don't think the prevailing attitude on this thread of "fuck him, sex ban, leave the bastard" is a healthy response - assuming OP wants to stay in the relationship and have a good sex life with this man, of course.

It sounds like he's very selfish in several ways, however, so it seems this isn't a good relationship in any case.[/quote]
Given that the OP's H is gaslighting her over who decided to have the 3rd kid, do you honestly think that would have made a difference @lockheart?

And he could see her pain during fertility Investigations, losses and births. Why couldn't he have said to himself 'wow, she's really taking one for the team'.

And the ongoing problems of hormonal contraception are something we've been taught to just suck up - until we're faced with going back to it after break and we realise we just can't do it anymore.

Her description of their sex life does not suggest an unselfish or reasonable man - maybe you can stop trying to blame her?

Vasectomy carries a 10% risk of serious medical complications which are frequently untreatable. There is also a further 20% incidence of painful side effects lasting up to three months. I'm medically qualified and I wouldn't let my husband have one.

My husband suggested he had one to me. I did some in-depth research and came to the same conclusion.