I tried to discuss vasectomies with my husband This is how it went

[enjoyeverymoment]

Myself and my husband have 3 small dc. We know our family is complete so naturally the topic of contraception has come up.
We went to the gp together and my gp basically was dismissive of vasectomys and suggested the coil for me. From what I read it can cause heavy periods so I decided I didn't want the risk as I already suffer and the pill used to make me very hormonal years ago.

My husband is very against having a vasectomy because he is afraid of any side effects and is now saying because the gp was dismissive she obviously doesn't recommend it either. I've recently learned of a new no scalpel procedure and discussed it with him but again he shot me down and wouldn't discuss it further. I wasn't asking him to book an appointment but read up about it, talk to his friends ect just consider it.

I've explained to him that I went through a lot multiple miscarriages prior to having dc, procedures to find out the reason I was miscarrying, bad birth on ds 1 and two sections on dds and I never gave the effects on my body a second though as it was worth it. His reply was well you wanted three I would have settled at two. We agreed three and not once did he suggested had doubts after dd2. His only condition was number 3 was conceived before we turn 40. He is a great dad to all 3 children and I've no doubt he loves them but he always maintains how I wanted 3 not him.

The thing I have an issue with though is if I fell pregnant again he would be hinting I'd have an abortion. He wouldn't make me but I would hear all the negative things another baby would do to us.

I hear women all the time saying how their husband went and had a vasectomy so they wouldn't worry anymore about falling pregnant and so they wouldn't be pumping their bodies with hormones ect. My husband would gladly sit back and say nothing if I announced tomorrow I was having my tubes tied without discussing the risk then reap in the reward. That's how I feel anyway.

At the moment we're using condoms but it's not good. The simple solution is to stop having sex but where does that leave our marriage.

I think You are being a little bit unreasonable.
Would you be happy if he decided the "best" option was a hysterectomy or a tube tying procedure, even if you didn't want it?
However, HE is also being a bit unreasonable by seemingly not even considering it and dismissing it out of hand.

The thing is, by choosing something like this that is so easy to see how wrong the claims are likely to be, you may claim to have done loads of research but it is not likely to have been any good.

Relax. Unlike you, I didn't just focus on one article.

What a shitty person never mind husband and father.

I have had an emergency section, a tricky after birth experience, a miscarriage and then nearly died giving birth to our last child. As soon as dh could be had a vasectomy. I knew it was the right decision even though I would have loved more children. Dh did it as he knew it was the sensible option and he said I had more than done by bit with all the above.

He was sore for a few hours. No complications. No regrets.

Understandable that some men are worried about their oh so precious bits being touched with a knife but totally not understandable or acceptable the way he has been speaking to you and bullying you.

I also think the GP was crap for pushing the responsibility on to you never mind ignoring why you were both there.

I would have refused sex if dh had been an arse about condoms implying an abortion would be the only option of a pregnancy.

Personally if my DH treated me like that after all I had been through to have his children that would be a natural contraceptive for me.

So a section where slitting your stomach open is low risk but him having his precious bits sorted isn’t.

I’m sorry but a vasectomy is not a surgery. It can be done by your GP in the local doctors office. It carries with it only a slight bit more risk than a woman being on the pill.

@LadyLoungeALot “ Would you be happy if he decided the "best" option was a hysterectomy or a tube tying procedure, even if you didn't want it?”

Would she be annoyed if he suggested she had major invasive surgery required a hospital stay and a general anaesthetic - probably.

However she has suggested a minor low risk procedure so personally I don’t see the comparison.

Relax. Unlike you, I didn't just focus on one article.

I'm not sure that I've explained my point properly.
The point is that you don't seem to have the ability to distinguish what is good and bad research, so no matter how many articles you read, I don't trust (based on this example) your so called indepth research.

The point is that you don't seem to have the ability to distinguish what is good and bad research,

The point is I can. I can also pick out the wheat from the chaff in flawed research.

[quote Thiswillbeaneverlastinglove]@LadyLoungeALot “ Would you be happy if he decided the "best" option was a hysterectomy or a tube tying procedure, even if you didn't want it?”

Would she be annoyed if he suggested she had major invasive surgery required a hospital stay and a general anaesthetic - probably.

However she has suggested a minor low risk procedure so personally I don’t see the comparison.[/quote]
I admit I didn't really think about the differences in surgery/invasiveness of the procedure. It's a bad comparison.

Perhaps if he suggested the contraceptive implant, even if OP didn't really want to have it would have been a better one.

Why such scepticism over the risks for a vasectomy while embracing any and every known side effect of all forms of female contraception?

Either be realistic about ALL the risks, or ignore them.

There little risk of pregnancy by combining condoms with spermicide lube and avoiding PIV during ovulation. By the time discussion of vasectomy takes place in a marriage - there is usually much less sex happening anyway.

How much is it actually about ensuring that DH can't start a new family if the marriage breaks down?

Of course fear of pregnancy is genuine and couples need to discuss and agree how to reduce the risk to as low as possible. But so is the fear of invasive procedures that carry risks of long term problems.

The resentment over sex is clearly already there for some posters with strong views - being entirely dismissive of another persons decisions about their body, even suggesting giving ultimatums! If it's got to that point your DH is soon going to thank his lucky stars he never went ahead with it!

@Bwlch

The point is that you don't seem to have the ability to distinguish what is good and bad research,

The point is I can. I can also pick out the wheat from the chaff in flawed research.

You could have fooled us.

Why such scepticism over the risks for a vasectomy while embracing any and every known side effect of all forms of female contraception?

There are contradictory claims in this thread. Trying to figure out which ones are correct.

@Babaoreally “ How much is it actually about ensuring that DH can't start a new family if the marriage breaks down? ”

Time to take off the tinfoil hat!

Why such scepticism over the risks for a vasectomy

I'm just sceptical about random internet strangers citing percentages with zero evidence. As everyone should be.

@Bwlch

You could have fooled us.

In your case, I doubt that would be particularly difficult.

Still missing my point.

He's being selfish. My husband had one after our 3rd child. He had to go back because first time was unsuccessful but he still had it done. Very little discomfort. And he's normally one to complain so couldn't have been bad.

Bwlch if you did so much in-depth research why would you choose such a pointless "study" as the one piece of evidence to post here?? Usually if you can only post one, you'd choose the most compelling.

Bwlch I dont need to read the research. Thanks for the suggestion. I have many medical journals in my house as my DH is a consultant and his two close male friends who are also medical consultants funny enough both had a vasectomy. They are very well read on the subject matter and sit alongside experts in the field and dont use google to justify there decisions.

Bwlch if you did so much in-depth research why would you choose such a pointless "study" as the one piece of evidence to post here??

I suggest that you get your eyes tested.

We were deciding on vasectomy but DH kept finding reason why it was the ever the right time. Result DD, this was when the cool was rare and most women took the pill. I ended up having my tubes tied because my obstetrician though another pregnancy could kill me.

Insults are the last resort of those without arguments.

All you need to do is post a good resource with those high figures.

@picosandsancerre I didn’t want to be rude but I did wonder if there was a lack of education among those men who refuse to even consider a vasectomy. In my social circle it’s very much accepted as the right thing to do once the family is finished given how much heavy lifting the woman has done to make that happen. A lot of DH male friends have either had one or openly plan.

In contrast a friends DH has no formal education, won’t even discuss it and even refuses to neuter their dog as apparently it won’t be fair on the dog!!

Maybe it’s not education but a certain type of man - one who thinks it’s their job to take care of contraception once the woman has done childbirth and that it’s the right thing to do to step up and ones like the poor op DH who wants sex but believes contraception is the woman’s problem and it’s not ‘manly’ for them to have it done.

My DH says he's not ready at 51 for a vasectomy and I'm not ready at 49 to have my tubes tied. I have found libido to be such a fragile beast I don't wast to fuck with it. So I have to respect his position. My DCs are not his though.

I use the copper coil no hormones and I love it. But that's me.

NICE: cks.nice.org.uk/topics/contraception-sterilization/management/vasectomy/

There is a small risk of testicular or scrotal chronic post vasectomy pain (CPVP), which may develop months or years after the procedure.
The incidence of CPVP ranges from 1-14%.
The risk of pain adversely affecting quality of life has not been well quantified by controlled trials.
An unpublished cohort study reported that 1 in 300 men previously asymptomatic, experienced pain which was severe enough to require medical attention and/or to affect quality of life [FSRH, 2014].

FRSH 2014:
www.fsrh.org/documents/cec-ceu-guidance-sterilisation-summary-sep-2014/

Cochrane (2014) www.cochrane.org/CD003991/FERTILREG_vasectomy-methods-for-birth-control-in-men
www.cochranelibrary.com/cdsr/doi/10.1002/14651858.CD003991.pub4/full

Most of the studies that looked at vasectomy methods were small, not done well, or had poor reports. Therefore, we cannot say if the methods work well, are safe or are liked by men

All you need to do is post a good resource with those high figures.

Which high figures?

Are you getting me confused with somebody else?