Really really low

[iamtheoneandonlyyy]

I'm struggling. I'm smiling mostly and putting the effort in but I'm starting to fail
Left ex in June, went to refuge with kids, now we are home (without him)
Got masses of secret debt he left that I'm battling to get a handle on. But it's not that
I'm soul crushingly lonely and getting depressed I think.
Beginning to get short tempered and can't stop eating.
I've been decorating, cleaning, exercising.
Any friend I have is always and I do mean always too busy to do anything. He has the kids overnight once a fortnight and although it's a break it's just miserable.
I've done the right thing by me and them, meanwhile he's just going through girlfriends and causing arguments with me depending on his mood.
Ironically he's the only adult I speak to apart from my brother and my head can't handle it.
My brain hasn't moved past any of the crap he's caused at all, sometimes i think it has but then I fall back. It's an hourly cycle.
There's no one here for me anymore.
Sorry. Just had nobody to say that to

Hi there. Someone is listening. I’m sorry your friends aren’t there for you as you would like. What do you feel you need most at the moment? A listening ear or something to look forward to?

Thankyou. I have no idea, I'm spiralling

I don't know legalities of this but are you really liable for the debt? Is it against the house and that's why?
And I'm sorry, but you are more free than before and you will get there. June wasn't long ago.

Yes the debt thing is a mess but I am liable unfortunately. Lies and hiding of post, financial abuse etc.
I know it's not that long but that thought when you're awake all night and feeling so trapped isn't good

I'm ao sorry for you. This myst be hard. If your relationship was abusive and you've got out then well done you. You've done the hard part and now you need to build a life. Not always easy. Do you work? Can you build a network of friends?

I'm here to listen if you want to talk, about anything at all :)

I had to give up my job when we fled. I'm at home with three under five and that's about it now. Don't get me wrong it is the right thing for them and me, he was awful. They seem to be forgetting the bad already.
It's just becoming apparent that I am very much alone now. And my mind is focusing on all that we've been through and I can't see any future at all.
This is the town we both grew up in and both still here, I feel I'm suffocating or panicking or something

Thanks for replies x

It might seem like it's far away, but there is light at the end of tunnel. You'll get through it. You sound pretty tough for doing what you did! I don't know you and I'm just a stranger on the internet, but you are not alone x

I'm sorry and you have done so well.

You need a plan!

Debt is probably the easiest one oddly,. Call Citizens advice for an appointment, contact banks if payments are a problem, make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to. This site seems to link to various sources www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/tools/debt-advice-locator

Seek legal advice regarding your ex. Assume you have the help of Woman's Aid and a free initial legal consultation?

The kids. Are they at school? Work on getting them into a good routine so you can have some time to yourself at bedtime seeing as no one is helping you. If it gets too much, get everyone outside for some fresh air, regardless of the weather. (tip from an old lady I knew who had 8 children )

Like wise for yourself. You are very important and deserve some self care. Eat properly, be kind to yourself.

Lockdown restrictions aren't helping with the social side of things, but it won't be forever and Mumsnet is a good source of support.

You can do this. You are not alone x

Just seen the update with the kids ages. 3 under 5...you are doing well to be dressed and awake

Keep going, it really wont be like this forever and there are far better days ahead.

@Weetabixandcrumpets

Just seen the update with the kids ages. 3 under 5...you are doing well to be dressed and awake

Keep going, it really wont be like this forever and there are far better days ahead.

I'll second this. You actually sound like a brave and amazing woman

@iamtheoneandonlyyy

Well done for fleeing with your kids OP. I'm ashamed your friends are not helping, you need practical, supportive help with 3 under 5, and i know what you mean about adult conversation. If it was me I would make a nuisance of myself with phone calls, until they started to visit you again, I'm sure you've been there for them when they have been low. Could you join Gingerbread for advice?
I wish you lived next door to me, sending best wishes

Thankyou I am proud of leaving in a way, it was insanely hard and absolutely terrifying on the day but we did it.
I've had quite a bit of debt advice and it is what it is, I can't pour from an empty jug so it will take a while but will be done.
I have valued Mumsnet a lot throughout, it was actually where I first started realising what I was experiencing wasn't ok and that most people weren't having the same thing,
I am a tiny bit calmer I am trying not to project how I'm feeling onto my friends. I know they are busy and that's just life I'm just screaming out for some company and relief but I don't want to make anyone feel obliged. I hate leaning on people and I had to at first, also my closest friend sort of thought the second I was out u would be all happy and better but it's not like that. I'm glad she doesn't understand though in a way because it means she's not had the same.
I'm rambling a little bit but my only conversation partners are five and under so I spend a lot of time in my head

Cross posted a bit there, Thankyou. Sometimes I feel good about what we've achieved but then I'll have a very grumpy evening and hate myself for being grumpy parent.
To be fair I have very few friends, since this relationship took hold. Textbook I suppose!

Hi OP. I don’t usually post often but I felt the need to for some reason reading your post as I can feel your emotions just reading through your comments. Firstly some hugs and a handhold - you have done the best thing for you and your babies!!!! Secondly, I know you have had to give up your job however you now get to bring up your children the way you want too, spend time with them. Try and find some counselling. Also, regarding the debt, if you do not own the house and it’s a huge amount of debt you now have maybe speak to someone about a bankruptcy or a Debt Relief Order - CAB can advise you on this. Either of these will wipe the debt entirely, however it will affect whether you can get credit for the next 6 years. However if you are struggling to pay the debt and your credit is ruined I really suggest completing a Debt Relief Order - this way you know the debts are clear, no one can pursue you for the money.

I am thinking of you as it takes guts to go it alone. I am someone who is in not one of the best relationships but don’t have the guts to go and start up on my own. You’ve 100% done the right thing.

Thankyou I appreciate that. I stayed for so long thinking it was best for the kids to have a family but he just escalated so much and I think the tipping point was my son trying to stick up for me and I couldn't stand the thought of them accepting the same behaviour for themselves or copying it when they are older.
I don't like to think you aren't happy though, I hope you are ok xx

Hi OP. A very practical way of dealing with emotions and stories going round and round in your head is to let them out, and if you don't have another adult to talk to, you could just write it down? It helps me when I get stuck in some story/reliving an event in my head.

You could even start writing down the whole relationship, from when it was good, right through all the unpleasant events, to now. It could take you months, but it will give you an ongoing outlet.

Plenty of people here happy to listen too, so that's another outlet!

I'm glad you can see, even though you're having a hard time, that you've done the right thing. You sound like a fabulous Mum, and very brave. I wish my Mum had done what you've managed to do - you've done your kids an enormous favour.

Your amazing I hope you really believe that.
You have been brave and taken your kids and yourself out a toxic environment.
You've been through a lot of trauma and loss and this takes a long time to heal from.
Don't be so hard on yourself, everyday you make it through is a day closer to happiness.
You are in the depths of worst part just now and they say when your going through hell keep going.
Unfortunately you have found out who you can and can't rely on so time to think about a new support network.
You are the most important person in the whole world to your little kids and that is so special.
You have more strength than you realise and you will look back on this difficult time and be proud you fought through it.
I've been where you are and know the pain, the lonely feelings and the pointlessness.
It doesn't make sense just now but it will soon when life starts looking up.
When your kids are in bed, write a list of things you want to achieve in your life and goals to work towards, it doesn't matter how big or small.
Visualise how you want life to be and see what steps you can take to make it happen.
You've got this 💪🏼

And my mind is focusing on all that we've been through and I can't see any future at all.

It feels really shitty, but that is actually a good sign. Please don't beat yourself up for it.

When you were still living with him and being abused you were in survival mode and a lot of your brain and body was shut down so you could get through what was happening.

Now that you are out of the situation your brain is finally able to come out of survival mode and is working its way through all those memories and experiences that it wasn't safe for you to react to at the time. So there will be a backlog.

This is your brain on a big catch-up operation to process everything you've been through so it can archive all these memories, adjust to a world that isn't permanently unsafe, and allow you to live instead of just survive.

It's a part of being traumatised, but it is a good sign that your trauma has started the healing process.

The hopelessness you feel about the future is also a trauma symptom. As the trauma heals that will gradually reduce too.

Have you been signposted to any information, resources or support for coping with trauma symptoms?

Hi OP, there's an app for single parents called FROLO. You might find it helpful for speaking with other single parents and for support and encouragement.

"the tipping point was my son trying to stick up for me and I couldn't stand the thought of them accepting the same behaviour for themselves or copying it when they are older."

You're amazing. Thank you for standing up for the future of your kids. Just wanted to send a hug x.

You sound amazing.
Well done!! What a year you have had, fleeing,
Lockdown, 3 kids under 5, a horrible ex, debt he’s left
You in, your superwoman in my eyes! There is light at the end of the tunnel. Has he accepted he was wrong for the debt, can’t he pay it? Imagine trying to make your ex wife pay for your debt and look after your 3
Kids Jesus! On the weekend they are at his, could you maybe on Facebook or something (If you have it) share a status with certain friends seeing it saying kids are with EH this weekend really would love some company is anyone free? That way you haven’t got to message them all seperate and feel disheartened if they come back and say no one by one. I do understand everyone is busy but I feel like you have been through a lot and perhaps if they knew how you were feeling they would MAKE time? Failing that, going forward is there anything you could do to meet people near you local actives or classes or anything like that? Perhaps like a yoga or gym class as you said you work out. Sorry if this is all terrible ideas and doesn’t suit you, just trying to think of ways to get you conversing with new people if your friends are always busy. Have any of your kids just started school and you could get friendly with the school mums? Glad you have this thread now so you can feel you have spoken to people! Don’t suffer in silence, there’s always someone on here ready to listen xxx

I think your incredibly strong !

What about internet friendships?, not dating...
A relative of mine was in a similar situation, left with 2 children, felt very trapped and lonely as a male with many responsibilities.
He began talking online to a lady who also had young children, now hapily married.

Another male friend of ours was cheated on by his wife with a neighbour, she was physically abusive to him, he was so ashamed by this.
She left him and shacked up with the neighbour in plain site, did,t give a shit.
He thought he would not meet anyone he was so shy, lovely bloke, totally humiliated by her, felt like he couldn't even go out.
Anyway, long story short he became friends with a woman on line discussing their heartache of both being cheated on.

She lived some distance from him but after many many months they bit the bullet and met halfway in a very public place, it was night time.
They married last year, what he didn,t know was she was incredibly wealthy and had buisnesses in America and the Uk.
He now spends half the year in LA and half the year Uk, before Covid.

His ex wanted him back but he never looked back.
I was so happy for him but what I,m trying to say is sometimes you loose hope.

He said that his mind was closed, could not see any future, he was broken. He also said he wishes he had opened up to new possibilities sooner but he lost confidence, only by having friendships with people in the same boat could he feel understood.

There are many lonely people out there.
I hope you can start looking forward to the future you deserve it.

I've woken up to some really lovely and helpful replies. Thankyou all
The nigh time panic feelings have subsided a bit, I never know how I feel until the day starts and today so far I'm calm.
I will look at the website mentioned Thankyou xx
I will read more when I've done the school runs, Thankyou all so much