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Relationships

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Original poster

DP and financial situation

68 replies

Whatifitallgoesright · 30/09/2020 12:06

i need some help re the financial situation between my DP and me please. Together in house 14 years. 11 yr old child. DP bought house on his own, i moved in shortly after. He is main earner, quite stressful job. I started back work when child 5. WOH admin, approx 23-25hrs p/w, just over basic, for DP's. flexible etc. Lasted 5 yrs now im self-employed 20+hours. Similar pay. I do all childcare, housework, shopping, cooking (apart from occasionally weekends he'll cook.) Hes never had to take time off work for child holidays/illness.

All bills and mortgage (Im not on that yet) go out of his account which i dont see. i dont how much money he has. It was £35k a few years ago but business goes up and down. There are dividends and hes acted up for last year. My pay goes on food/household/child/own small bills/travel/clothes etc.

He is very kind and generous. He would never have a problem with anything i bought. We had couples counselling earlier this year and it was agreed id go on mortgage as i was feeling like i had no ownership of my home, i felt low-value etc. I said why not shared ownership, id certainly be happy to have less but nothings even happened about that.

Previously hes offered to copy his statement into a spreadsheet so i can see it each month but Id have to keep reminding him. Sometimes i feel like a child as this is the amount of the household financial situation my Dad would allow me to know growing up!

I still feel like im not an equal partner. He still makes me feel like this isnt an issue. So am I a princess (he supports me and I don't have to worry about bills) or is he controlling or somewhere in the middle we can meet?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2020 12:13

You're not an equal partner. You have no protection and zero security should the relationship end. I think it's very clear he wants it that way, don't you? He makes all these promises and then never lives up to them. That is no accident.

Has marriage ever been discussed? Although from what you've said, I highly doubt he would be amenable to that.

Original poster

Whatifitallgoesright · 30/09/2020 12:17

He has asked me to marry him. It's just not something I've ever wanted or needed. I've always had a feminist antipathy towards marriage although I know wise birds on here will tell me that's outdated nonsense.

OP posts:

Littleideasbigbook · 30/09/2020 12:19

I am the opposite way round in that I own the house but it is me who wants to own with DP and get married. We earn exactly the same though. If he wanted you to be on the house, have equal finances and be in an equal position he would be pushing for it (like I am). It doesn't do relationships any favours to have imbalance. You need to spell this out to him and say you either commit or I go. Living your life in resentment isn't good for you. Chronic stress is crap for your health.

popcorndiva · 30/09/2020 12:19

You are not married so no its not your house as you are not on the mortgage or deeds.

He can decide at anytime that he wishes to break up then you would have to fund yourself obviously with child maintenance. Hence why people on here say get married before getting pregnant, going part time etc

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2020 12:23

He has asked me to marry him. It's just not something I've ever wanted or needed.

You've been together 14 years, you have a child together, and given your financial position and the fact you have no claim to the home you live in, I think you very much need the protection that marriage offers.

If he were to leave you or die, what position would you find yourself in?

titchy · 30/09/2020 12:25

I still feel like im not an equal partner.

That's because you're not.

CrimsonCattery · 30/09/2020 12:31

Why don't you get a civil partnership?

RhymesWithOrange · 30/09/2020 12:33

Marriage will give you the legal and financial security you need. It's not anti feminist to get married.

TorkTorkBam · 30/09/2020 12:34

Marriage is a legal contract that allows for a convenient collection of rights and responsibilities.

Of course you could attempt to recreate all those contractual elements through individual actions like getting yourself on the mortgage but that's a pita.

It seems like you have bought into some sexist trope that marriage equals servitude.

Yet, you have only gone and bloody done the servitude bit without any of the protections! You work part time and have no assets. He holds all the assets.

So, actually, you have entered into an arrangement that is more like a 19th century marriage than an independent woman type of arrangement.

Being an anti-marriage feminist means not defacto marriage too! You stay independent and single. You have made yourself dependent and coupled up. While giving him all the power. Despite there being a really easy way to make it safer that he is willing to go along with.

Asterion · 30/09/2020 12:36

If he has has mortgage then surely he can't just "put your name on it", ditto ownership of the house. The mortgage company would have to agree first.

StephenBelafonte · 30/09/2020 12:37

I'm sorry but i'm a homeowner and I have other assets too and there is no way I would get married or put someone else on the mortgage - i'd have too much to lose if we split up.

Have a think about how you can channel your earnings into some type of investment for future security. Doesn't have to be a house, could be S&S Isas or a pension.

user15412486546 · 30/09/2020 12:38

You are not an equal partner. That's an objective statement not a feeling.

MrsGrindah · 30/09/2020 12:40

Why, why why have you put yourself and your child in such a precarious position? This is always the risk and now you are facing the consequences. Marriage, civil partnership, get on deeds and mortgage or get out . That’s the stark truth I’m afraid. And taking responsibility for your own financial future and that of your child is a feminist act if ever there was one.

GreenGoldRed · 30/09/2020 12:43

In the eyes of the law you are not in an equal partnership (that's a marriage contract). You have a child. Your income has taken a hit because of childcare responsibilities. If you ever split (and don't say it won't happen, because thousands of women think that) you are in a really precarious position.

My advice get married.

NancyBotwinBloom · 30/09/2020 12:46

Yep get married.

You have zero security.

Why is he copying his statement into a spreadsheet, why can't you just see the statement?

LiveFromHome · 30/09/2020 12:47

I've always had a feminist antipathy towards marriage

But no feminist antipathy towards doing all of the childcare, housework, shopping, cooking, child holidays/illness?

Well done, yay for you and your feminist antipathy! It's got you totally dependent on a man who has blatantly ignored your clearly stated (in front of a counsellor) request to be added to the mortgage/deeds of the house, knowing it makes you feel "low value".

You've really done a number on yourself here.

AltoCation · 30/09/2020 12:49

Look, I am a ferocious feminist. But marriage is made for women in your position.

You have given up work, income, pension contributions to be mother of his / your kids, run the home and facilitate his earnings.

And while to remain unmarried you have no rights or claim at all on the house (your home) or the assets he had built up with your support. Not One Penny.

How is that a feminist position to be in?

He suggested marriage. Do it.

EinsteinaGogo · 30/09/2020 12:49

@StephenBelafonte

I'm sorry but i'm a homeowner and I have other assets too and there is no way I would get married or put someone else on the mortgage - i'd have too much to lose if we split up.

Have a think about how you can channel your earnings into some type of investment for future security. Doesn't have to be a house, could be S&S Isas or a pension.

Presumably, then, @StephenBelafonte , you wouldn't allow yourself to be with someone for 15 years, have a child with them and live in a pseudo man & wife home where your partner took on the 'traditional'wife duties?

RandomMess · 30/09/2020 12:53

Forget changing your name and all the weddings stuff just get married. It gives you financial safety whether he does or you split up and is cheaper than fees and charges to do everything else!!

Marriage is a financial and legal control not the religious and social element!!!

Sparkletastic · 30/09/2020 13:00

I'm a radical feminist. I'm also married. I'd recommend you reconsider for better legal and financial protection.

IvySpivey · 30/09/2020 13:06

I'm a feminist and told my now DH if we didn't get married I would leave.
I kept my name, didn't have a wedding, registry office with no guests.
And I'm still a feminist.
DC have double barrelled names.

You are in an awful position. And if DP means partner, then you aren't really an equal partner are you?

daisyjgrey · 30/09/2020 13:12

@LiveFromHome

I've always had a feminist antipathy towards marriage

But no feminist antipathy towards doing all of the childcare, housework, shopping, cooking, child holidays/illness?

You've really done a number on yourself here.

I came to say this but I was beaten to it!

Mumdiva99 · 30/09/2020 13:13

My husband and I only married last year....after 14 years together and 3 kids. I gave up work to be a stay at home parent. But....the house was in my name.
We had wills. We made.sure we were each beneficiaries of each others life insurance etc....
But, as my partner pointed out - without being married if something were to happen to him i would find it very hard to access his bank account and the money within it until probate was settled. (We are so romantic!!) But being his spouse is a little different.

Get your name on the house or get married ASAP. Otherwise you have no protection if things go wrong.

SpaceRaiders · 30/09/2020 13:13

The issue is than you’ve accepted this situation for 15 years. Unless he’s a decent man, you’re now going to have a very hard time getting him to change. I say this as someone who made a similar mistake albeit not for quite as long. It may just be easier to get married and let him do as he pleases with his bank statements etc.

User0836shdhfjf · 30/09/2020 13:13

If marriage was called something else, like "legal contract so that one partner cannot financially disadvantage themselves by making sacrifices for the other" would it be different?
Where it matters is the legal and financial effects. You can just fork out 200 quid, get it done and never ever tell anyone but HR, pensions & insurance people if you like.

...Or you could risk having to work an extra 10 years until retirement. Your choice...

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