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Original poster

DP and financial situation

68 replies

Whatifitallgoesright · 30/09/2020 12:06

i need some help re the financial situation between my DP and me please. Together in house 14 years. 11 yr old child. DP bought house on his own, i moved in shortly after. He is main earner, quite stressful job. I started back work when child 5. WOH admin, approx 23-25hrs p/w, just over basic, for DP's. flexible etc. Lasted 5 yrs now im self-employed 20+hours. Similar pay. I do all childcare, housework, shopping, cooking (apart from occasionally weekends he'll cook.) Hes never had to take time off work for child holidays/illness.

All bills and mortgage (Im not on that yet) go out of his account which i dont see. i dont how much money he has. It was £35k a few years ago but business goes up and down. There are dividends and hes acted up for last year. My pay goes on food/household/child/own small bills/travel/clothes etc.

He is very kind and generous. He would never have a problem with anything i bought. We had couples counselling earlier this year and it was agreed id go on mortgage as i was feeling like i had no ownership of my home, i felt low-value etc. I said why not shared ownership, id certainly be happy to have less but nothings even happened about that.

Previously hes offered to copy his statement into a spreadsheet so i can see it each month but Id have to keep reminding him. Sometimes i feel like a child as this is the amount of the household financial situation my Dad would allow me to know growing up!

I still feel like im not an equal partner. He still makes me feel like this isnt an issue. So am I a princess (he supports me and I don't have to worry about bills) or is he controlling or somewhere in the middle we can meet?

OP posts:
Dery · 30/09/2020 13:14

"Look, I am a ferocious feminist. But marriage is made for women in your position.

You have given up work, income, pension contributions to be mother of his / your kids, run the home and facilitate his earnings.

And while to remain unmarried you have no rights or claim at all on the house (your home) or the assets he had built up with your support. Not One Penny.

How is that a feminist position to be in?

He suggested marriage. Do it."

This. Another ardent feminist here. Also married. You may prefer a civil partnership. H and I would have preferred that, too, but it wasn't available to us when we married and we didn't personally have the gumption to campaign for a law change as some pioneering couples did. But the option is available to you if you prefer that route. But for goodness sake, do one or the other, because right now you have no legal protection. Some jurisdictions recognise the "common law marriage" concept but the UK is not one of them.

Btw - it's not remotely feminist that he is doing zero parenting. It's the opposite of feminism to have a father do no parenting. Please work on that.

AuntieJoyce · 30/09/2020 13:16

Of course you could attempt to recreate all those contractual elements through individual actions like getting yourself on the mortgage but that's a pita

Divorce is a whole lot more of a PITA than a deed of trust setting out house ownership percentages and the process in the event of a split

No need to be on the mortgage

blue25 · 30/09/2020 13:16

He bought the house on his own though, presumably using a deposit he worked hard to save. I’m not sure I’d want you on the mortgage if I was him and you’d refused marriage. It isn’t actually your house and you haven’t contributed to the mortgage payments?

madcatladyforever · 30/09/2020 13:18

He has asked me to marry him. It's just not something I've ever wanted or needed. I've always had a feminist antipathy towards marriage although I know wise birds on here will tell me that's outdated nonsense.

Depends how you look at it. You have nothing so forget all those daft ideas and get married asap. If you parted you wouldn't even have enough money to raise your kids, a reduced pension, no home, literally nothing.

Now I would never get married again because I have a large home of my own, savings, pensions. If I was to marry then divorce I have way too much to lose so that's not happening.

Forget feminism and do whatever is best for you and your children.

CarrotInATree · 30/09/2020 13:18

Get married and get on the mortgage. You’re putting yourself in a vulnerable position when you have options not to be.

MotherMood · 30/09/2020 13:20

Get married, or civil partnership.

It's not feminist to be in your position without being married. If anything it's anti feminist.

YukoandHiro · 30/09/2020 13:31

Why don't you have a joint bank account? Why have you decided not to be married?

Lindtballsrock · 30/09/2020 13:37

Get a civil partnership op. It has none of the patriarchal baggage but all of the legal protection.

Isanyholeagoal · 30/09/2020 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkMonkeyBird · 30/09/2020 13:57

@LiveFromHome

I've always had a feminist antipathy towards marriage

But no feminist antipathy towards doing all of the childcare, housework, shopping, cooking, child holidays/illness?

Well done, yay for you and your feminist antipathy!Confused It's got you totally dependent on a man who has blatantly ignored your clearly stated (in front of a counsellor) request to be added to the mortgage/deeds of the house, knowing it makes you feel "low value".

You've really done a number on yourself here.

Totally this!

Also, if it isn't marriage you want, you could have a Civil Partnership instead. Either way, I've been in your situation (dependent on a man for finances) and would never put myself in that position again.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 30/09/2020 14:12

Can posters suggesting it’s unfair for op to claim a share of the house read her post properly. She’s not some recent on the scene girlfriend. She’s done all of the childcare and housework for at least 11 years and sacrificed her own career, finances and pension to do so. She has contributed to their partnership. Marriage would recognise that contribution and those sacrifices.

There’s nothing feminist about refusing marriage and sacrificing all of your personal security with no protection.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2020 14:21

OP, what most of them said ^

How much do you know about what marriage actually means while deciding it’s not for you?

Me and dp are engaged (no plans to get married as we are happy as we are) Huh? Being engaged literally agreeing to be married. If you’re not getting married then what’s the point?

SpaceRaiders · 30/09/2020 14:34

I find it slightly illogical that anyone would happily have children with a partner but will then have major doubts about their intentions when it comes to family finances/assets.

AltoCation · 30/09/2020 14:52

I’m not married, but:
I have always earned a bit more
I already had a house, when we bought together we did do as Tenants In Common with my greater share belonging to me
We divided childcare 50/50, both kept our careers, salaries and pensions going. Both dropped a day a week when the Dc were young, shared the day’s off when Dc were ill.
We have wills and POA in place.

OP: you do not have financial independence, security or assets. Please get married or do Civil Partnership.

AltoCation · 30/09/2020 14:56

isanyholeagoal

Your situation is not remotely comparable to the OP. Your DP has not given up his income, job, pension etc for years and years to enable you to buy your house, in your name.

Isanyholeagoal · 30/09/2020 15:16

@AltoCation the OP didn’t give up everything to enable her DP to buy a property, it is clearly stated in the original post that he bought the place alone and she moved in shortly after. No suggestion of giving anything up to enable DP to buy a property?

I really don’t understand why so many women choose to give up their jobs/careers etc and then complain years later about how unfair it is. Why not get all of the financial stuff ironed out before agreeing to have DC and giving up everything. Makes no sense to me for anyone to live off their partners but each to their own

SpaceRaiders · 30/09/2020 16:55

I really don’t understand why so many women choose to give up their jobs/careers etc and then complain years later about how unfair it is. Why not get all of the financial stuff ironed out before agreeing to have DC and giving up everything. Makes no sense to me for anyone to live off their partners but each to their own

You’re allowed your opinion but your coming across as lacking in any empathy. Op isn’t in a position to change the past and your sanctimonious posts are likely not very helpful.

Arrivederla · 30/09/2020 17:07

FGS protect yourself here op. You are in a really vulnerable position financially.

user1471538283 · 30/09/2020 17:20

You are not equal. Should things go wrong you will have no claim on the house. If you cannot be on the mortgage and you do not want to be married then I would start looking for a full time job, DP would have to pay or cover some childcare and getting a mortgage eventually on something of my own or at least a savings pot. A friend of mine had been with his DP for 30 years unmarried. When they were trying to sort out wills etc his solicitor just said to get married as it would save thousands of pounds. So they did. A registry office wedding and a meal in a restaurant

LannieDuck · 30/09/2020 19:11

He’s agreed you should go on the mortgage (and the house deeds I assume?). That may mean you need to remortgage, so there’s a bit of admin required... but I notice that’s your area :) Ask him for the documents this weekend. Ask for advice on the property forums here - my guess is you needed to call a property lawyer and have them walk you through the process.

And make yourself a spreadsheet for family finances. Ask for the most recent copy of utilities. Work out average food spends, how much you each spend on travelling and kids’ stuff etc. Ask for his monthly incomings. Agree what %of the expenses you should each be covering (1/3rd?). Work out approx how much he has left over each month. Initiate a discussion about what to do with the “family savings”. Ask how much you have currently and whether it’s in shares or a savings account.

...in short, crawl all over the family finances. You’re entitled to. You can claim to be putting them in order. If he says he’s got it covered, ask to see them because you never have any savings and you want to find places to cut back. If he refuses, you’ll know you have a problem.

LannieDuck · 30/09/2020 19:12

...and all chores should be shared at weekends.

willowmelangell · 30/09/2020 20:17

Have you made Wills? Sorted Life Insurance?
Do you have any protection if (God forbid)he drops dead?
Who is his Next of Kin?
Lots you can do without getting married. You just have to get on and sort it, not put it off.

Aerial2020 · 30/09/2020 20:23

Why don't you know how much he earns???

Aerial2020 · 30/09/2020 20:25

I'm not surprised he's being so nice about it. He must know he has it easy.
What a lovely set up for him

Aerial2020 · 30/09/2020 20:26

[quote Isanyholeagoal]@AltoCation the OP didn’t give up everything to enable her DP to buy a property, it is clearly stated in the original post that he bought the place alone and she moved in shortly after. No suggestion of giving anything up to enable DP to buy a property?

I really don’t understand why so many women choose to give up their jobs/careers etc and then complain years later about how unfair it is. Why not get all of the financial stuff ironed out before agreeing to have DC and giving up everything. Makes no sense to me for anyone to live off their partners but each to their own[/quote]
Because life doesn't always go to plan like that.