Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should we break up?

37 replies

Unluckyinlove21 · 30/09/2020 11:30

I've been with OH for coming up to two years now, however we only moved in together 3 months ago. Since moving in we've argue a lot, mostly over his lack of free time.

I need some advice as I'm unsure whether I'm being unreasonable due to my anxiety and other mental health issues, coupled with the fact I'm stuck in the house everyday working from home or whether the relationship just isn't going to work and he isn't commited/ we're not compatible.

I struggle with the fact that he plays sport every Saturday then 2/ 3 evenings a week, we never spend any quality time together and when he is home he spends most of the time on his phone. When I bring this up with him he just says I'm trying to change him and this is just how he is and doesn't think it's excessive and that I need to get out more. It worries me because I feel lonely now but feel he wouldn't change this even if we did have kids.

Please advise!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2020 11:37

He doesn't give you what you need, and he isn't even willing to try to or compromise, either. He literally told you this is who he is, so please believe him. It's clear that what he wants is more important to him than nurturing your relationship.

I would be ending it immediately.

FizzyPink · 30/09/2020 11:39

I know how you feel. I also work from home and am so desperate for some contact with another person by the time the evening comes.

However DP doesn’t get home until 7.30 at the absolute earliest but most nights it will be 9/10pm. He also works all day Saturday. When he gets home he likes to sit on his phone and relax and not speak.

It took me a long time to understand that as his job is very full on and relentless (people pay him by the hour to teach a sport at a very high level to their children) he’s genuinely exhausted by the time he gets home and the last thing he wants is me nattering away to him.

I’m not sure I have any answers but understanding that he needs time to himself as well which you get all day should help. Also speak to him about it and see if there’s any way he can compromise. My DP agreed to stop working Sunday’s for example whereas he used to work 7 days a week and he’s kept to that promise about 75%.

I think the most important thing is to focus on keeping busy and making sure you’re not just sitting around waiting for him to get home. Make sure you’re getting out for at least a walk every day. Ultimately you’re still getting Sunday’s and 2-3 weekday evenings together so make sure you make the most of that time and plan things to do together.

rainingallspring · 30/09/2020 11:40

It worries me because I feel lonely now but feel he wouldn't change this even if we did have kids.

He won't change. Glad you've worked that out. End it and find someone who's interested in actually being in a relationship.

Dery · 30/09/2020 11:40

@Aquamarine1029 puts it perfectly. Yes, you should break up. It's not about wanting to change him. It's about whether or not he can or is willing to compromise in order to meet some of your needs rather than just his own. He isn't. That means you and he are not compatible.

FizzyPink · 30/09/2020 11:41

Sorry that was very long winded! Ultimately I think you need to decide if you’re happy with things this way or not.

Being out on Saturdays and 2-3 evenings a week is fairly normal but he should also be making an effort to spend quality time with you when you are together

rainingallspring · 30/09/2020 11:42

My DP agreed to stop working Sunday’s for example whereas he used to work 7 days a week and he’s kept to that promise about 75%

Sorry but your dp sounds as disinterested as the op. I hope you don't have kids.

FizzyPink · 30/09/2020 11:47

He’s not disinterested at all thank you, just works incredibly hard to build his business while we save to buy a house.
Of course if we had kids it would be a very different situation and he would work around them which he has the flexibility to do

Original poster
Unluckyinlove21 · 30/09/2020 12:01

Thank you all so much for being so helpful 😊 we have a contract on the house until December so I may have to live with him until then, in the meantime I'm going to try and keep myself more busy and see if I feel any different within the next couple of weeks. I suppose I find it hard to get my head around the fact that he needs to play for 2 football teams (he's useless at football which he admits himself) and play golf (which I don't mind as much, apart from the fact he tells me every Saturday he's only playing in the morning and doesn't get home until half 3ish at the earliest!) And he's 30 next year so I thought his priorities might have changed.

OP posts:
user15412486546 · 30/09/2020 12:05

Don't stay in a relationship based on your fantasy of the person you hope he will change into.

This is who he is. He's told you he won't change. Your relationship with the person he actually is doesn't work for you.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 30/09/2020 12:08

My partner has 0layed football 3 times a week since I met him. 2 nights a week and a dull Saturday, also sometimes a Sunday night. My advice would be end it. Ut has caused nothing but trouble for me because he is never here between that and work. It caused endless arguments when our ds was little and now I'm expecting a second with him (unplanned, my third child). Nothing gets in the way of his football. Days can change and he doesn't tell me so I can never make plans without having back up babysitters. Hes missed birthdays, holidays etc because he won't miss football. We have to arrange holidays so he misses asitrle football as possible. Its a joke to be honest. I didn't care until I had a child with him. Quite independent and like my time myself, but when you are constantly default childcare and none of your appointments or plans ever trump football, it becomes a constant bone of contention.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 30/09/2020 12:10

I was also warned before we had a child that he wouldn't change, and I honestly didn't think it would bother me, but ut does. If we didn't have kids, it wouldn't.

Dery · 30/09/2020 12:15

"I was also warned before we had a child that he wouldn't change, and I honestly didn't think it would bother me, but ut does. If we didn't have kids, it wouldn't."

This is it, really. These hobbies may be fine when the relationship just involves two adults but some men (and it is always men, though not all men by any means) do not seem to understand that being a father brings very significant responsibilities to someone other than themselves and their hobbies etc need to take a backseat.

TwentyViginti · 30/09/2020 12:15

@user15412486546

Don't stay in a relationship based on your fantasy of the person you hope he will change into.

This is who he is. He's told you he won't change. Your relationship with the person he actually is doesn't work for you.

This
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 30/09/2020 12:17

Oh and mine is 32 now, no signs of him quitting football, and he says once he gets too old and no one wants him to play anymore, he will be a coach 🙄

HollowTalk · 30/09/2020 12:23

Perhaps just live as though you're single now and leave in December. Try to keep up with your friends, make new friends, think about activities you could do (when it all gets back to normal.) You might want to reconsider where you'd like to live - do you get the freedom to change location if you're working from home?

JemimaTiggywinkle · 30/09/2020 12:24

At only 3 months living together, it should really still be the fun “so happy to wake up to you every morning” stage... I don’t think it’s going to get better unfortunately.

It sounds like a relationship of convenience on his part... it doesn’t sound like he values spending time with you.

You don’t mention housework being an issue, but I’m wondering if he’s out so much, whether you end up being housekeeper too?

rainingallspring · 30/09/2020 12:36

@Turnedouttoes

He’s not disinterested at all thank you, just works incredibly hard to build his business while we save to buy a house. Of course if we had kids it would be a very different situation and he would work around them which he has the flexibility to do
I really doubt he would. You'd be at home holding the baby while he 'builds his business to support you'.
MMmomDD · 30/09/2020 12:40

OP - after two years together - I presume you knew about his sports habits, and I am surprised that you expected him to drop playing sports just because you two moved in together.
You must have not seen him on those nights previously and must have been able to occupy yourself with something.
So it’s not really fair to now blame him for not being there to entertain you on those nights.

Second issue - him being on his phone when he is at home - is I think a fair complaint. This is probably just a bad habit, which we probably all have.

I think the best way to change that is by nudging, rather full on criticism. You could start at dinner time and say - can we have a phone-free meal today... etc.

As to how he may or may not be if you had kids - no one really knows. Some people struggle adjusting to new life with kids; other change a lot. You won’t know that until you get there. But it’s pointless obsessing about it now - when it’s not really yet relevant.
But in general - I’d say it’s healthy for both parties to have hobbies and activities that take them outside their houses.

Bunnymumy · 30/09/2020 12:46

Move him back out.

Asterion · 30/09/2020 12:51

I'm a bit puzzled. You've been together for two years - was he not playing all that football then?

If he was, why did you expect it to change when you moved in together?

Going slightly against the grain, but it sounds to me like you're expecting him to be your total social life. Do you never go out? If you worked out of the home, maybe you wouldn't be so thirsty for his company every night, because you'd been interracting with people during the day.

It seems like you expected him to change, while not changing at all yourself.

Sakurami · 30/09/2020 12:52

That's bollocks. One thing is to have some hobbies but when it leaves you with little time to spend with your partner, then it isn't on.

Original poster
Unluckyinlove21 · 30/09/2020 12:58

@asterion this is not the case, I have a good group of friends however if I'm honest I can't afford to be out doing things every night and every weekend as I'm trying to save a deposit for a house.

The WFH thing isn't a choice, my office is closed at the moment.

I have actually made compromises to see him, I have the option most weekends to go out with friends which a lot of the time I'll do however sometimes it would be nice to do things with him on a Saturday and it's be nice for him to also choose to do things with me because he wants to, not because he has a day off football and feels that he should.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unluckyinlove21 · 30/09/2020 13:00

@Asterion but hey, I do feel like I've gone a little mad recently so maybe you're right and it is just me

OP posts:
Josuk · 30/09/2020 13:23

Moving in together is always an adjustment.
But you still haven’t mentioned if his sports schedule a recent thing or if he always was this active.

It’s not fair to expect him to drop his routine just because you are stuck at home and decided to save money by not going out yourself.

markzuckerbergsgreytshirt · 30/09/2020 13:29

You want different things, he sounds selfish anyway plus it's neither here nor there if you knew how much time he spent on sports before or after he moved in. Being on his phone so much and not prioritising quality time with his partner when he's not doing sports is just rude and not very thoughtful.

Dump his sorry ass before Christmas & save money on a gift into the bargain.