Should we break up?

[Unluckyinlove21]

I've been with OH for coming up to two years now, however we only moved in together 3 months ago. Since moving in we've argue a lot, mostly over his lack of free time.

I need some advice as I'm unsure whether I'm being unreasonable due to my anxiety and other mental health issues, coupled with the fact I'm stuck in the house everyday working from home or whether the relationship just isn't going to work and he isn't commited/ we're not compatible.

I struggle with the fact that he plays sport every Saturday then 2/ 3 evenings a week, we never spend any quality time together and when he is home he spends most of the time on his phone. When I bring this up with him he just says I'm trying to change him and this is just how he is and doesn't think it's excessive and that I need to get out more. It worries me because I feel lonely now but feel he wouldn't change this even if we did have kids.

Please advise!

He has happy with things the way they are, him prioritising his hobbies and interests and giving you a token bit of time and attention most likely when he'd like sex 🤷🏽‍♀️

End it because you clearly want different things. My DH has always continued with his hobbies and had weekends away even with small babies but he also always made time for me.

@Unluckyinlove21

The majority of those 2 years you have lived apart and so when you spent time together it was just you both and you had undivided attention. Now that you are living together you might have expected to get more of his free time and perhaps get the same amount as before and so are upset/disappointed etc. I get that. It's the adjustment to living together that is difficult and takes time and communication to work out.

Since you are working from home and so stuck in the house as you put it and he goes out for his interests then it becomes more obvious.

To make you feel better, can you meet with friends when he is out doing his sports? Make time for you and a new hobby when he isn't there? What did you do with your free time before you lived together on the nights you didn't see each other? Do you have date nights when you go out or is everything now focused at home since you live together?

On the negative side if he really wouldn't be around if you had children together and sports would come first (did he actually say that he wouldn't be around) then he doesn't seem to have the same pathway as you mapped out.

This will be the BEST you'll get from him! It is ok not to be happy with it, you have moved in with him, not married him. Be grateful you have found out now and move out.

@Turnedouttoes

I know how you feel. I also work from home and am so desperate for some contact with another person by the time the evening comes.

However DP doesn’t get home until 7.30 at the absolute earliest but most nights it will be 9/10pm. He also works all day Saturday. When he gets home he likes to sit on his phone and relax and not speak.

It took me a long time to understand that as his job is very full on and relentless (people pay him by the hour to teach a sport at a very high level to their children) he’s genuinely exhausted by the time he gets home and the last thing he wants is me nattering away to him.

I’m not sure I have any answers but understanding that he needs time to himself as well which you get all day should help. Also speak to him about it and see if there’s any way he can compromise. My DP agreed to stop working Sunday’s for example whereas he used to work 7 days a week and he’s kept to that promise about 75%.

I think the most important thing is to focus on keeping busy and making sure you’re not just sitting around waiting for him to get home. Make sure you’re getting out for at least a walk every day. Ultimately you’re still getting Sunday’s and 2-3 weekday evenings together so make sure you make the most of that time and plan things to do together.

Yeah, doesn't sound a great relationship in my opinion.

A man who says ‘this is me stop trying to change me’ will never change in any aspect of his life. He’s literally telling you that in black and white, this is me deal with it or don’t. This is going to be an issue in the future, he’s not willing to compromise. While I agree with some replies on here you should both have your seperate hobbies etc too,
I think two teams is abit much aswel as golf. That will be your whole weekend based round football 1, football 2 and golf.. what about if you had kids and you want
To go out for the day?! Suggest he gives one team up, see how he reacts. Then you will know if he’s ever likely to, and if he’s not willing to compromise then why are you?xx

I think if you're having to post on an anonymous forum because you're not sure whether to leave, it's already over. Otherwise you'd be having discussions with him, and you'd be getting somewhere. The fact you're posting here (aside from what you've posted), shows that communication within the relationship is leaving you frustrated and not meeting your needs. What you've posted indicates that he's not bothered about meeting your needs.

If he's telling you you need to get out more, he's basically saying he's doing it right, and you're doing it wrong. This isn't a healthy relationship style.

It’s great that you have a fella with interests outside the home and you knew this when you started going out with him. If you want this relationship to work you do need to develop a life of your own. Sounds like you are waiting around for him to entertain you. I do think you should ask him to put his phone away and spend some quality time together, if he doesn’t want to then you should seriously think that this relationship isn’t the right relationship for you.

Give until December but at the same time tell him exactly how you feel. If by then you still feel the same then you have an executive decision to make.

I think tell him : this isn’t working for you and It’s up to him to change it. Then step back and live life like you’re just housemates - invite friends over and plan free things with friends too, money shouldnt be a constraint.

My dh played football. We had the conversation while dating and he didn’t want to take a match off to go away for the weekend. I said so we will never be able to take a holiday between feb and October? That doesn’t work for me. Your other team members do this all the time, they must actually care about their partners. We agreed that if our relationship can’t be the priority occasionally it’s not worth being in it

Obviously I meant live life like you’re housemates till the contract is up, then move out!

If he's openly told you that this is who he is and stating that you're trying to change him then I'd be pretty confident that he'll never change.
It all depends if you can live with it because it'll probably only get worse.

He's showing you who he is.... believe him!

It'll only get worse if you ever had kids, can you imagine being left at home holding the baby whilst he swans off playing football. If he won't compromise now, don't for one minute think he will when you have kids.