Therapy making me realise it was all my problem

Original poster

haveigonemad123 · 30/09/2020 11:36

Sorry, end of second paragraph was meant to say 'over and over it in person' !!

OP posts:

022828MAN · 30/09/2020 11:40

I think if you remain in contact he might see how you've reflected and had some support re your mental health.
However please don't hold on to the expectation that if he does see that he'll want to get you back. A big part of recovery is about doing it for YOURSELF and not with any ties to how it'll affect anyone else. Please put your own contentment ahead of any plans to reconnect with him. I know this will be hard (I've been there!) but will honestly be the best thing you can do for YOU.
Is there any reason you didn't try couples counselling before ending things?

DioneTheDiabolist · 30/09/2020 11:50

Now I've had therapy I realised I actually had a really loving and happy relationship but my head absolutely catastrophised everything.
OP therapy has shown you need a loving and happy relationship with yourself. Please continue to work on that.

Regularsizedrudy · 30/09/2020 12:16

What you do now is carry on working on yourself and build positive relationships going forward. I think trying to win him back, even if you have changed, is cruel. He’s done. You can’t expect him to come back for you. It’s a shame but it’s the kinder less selfish thing to do.

sadie9 · 30/09/2020 13:12

5 weeks in therapy is short, you are really just beginning. Give it time hopefully you will come to a better understanding of yourself and your next relationship will work out better for you.
You seem to be taking all the responsibility for it upon yourself.

Relationships are 50% you and 50% the other person. There may well have been other factors in the relationship already.
The ending of the relationship may have less to do with you than you think. At the time, you did everything you thought was right with the resources you had available to yourself at that time. No one could ask any more of a person.

mallorytower · 30/09/2020 13:14

Keep going. Keep building yourself up. You will have other relationships

Hailtomyteeth · 30/09/2020 13:15

You've only had a little therapy. A while from now, things might look different again. Let this man go, completely, and value the time you have with yourself.

Hailtomyteeth · 30/09/2020 13:16

And I will try to take my own advice.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/09/2020 13:18

You’re doing the right thing by working on yourself and hopefully regularly therapy can help you restore your self esteem and get you in the best place in yourself. I’d hold off on another relationship until then.

Your ex has been very clear on where he’s at so you need to respect his needs.

Relationships are 50% you and 50% the other person.

That’s not true and not helpful. OP herself has explained her behaviour and how it damaged her, her ex and their relationship.

Gilda152 · 30/09/2020 13:55

You respectfully move on and take the lessons you've learned.

Its simple to say and probably hard to do but your ex has been very clear when he stands and if you have to accept that.

User166777 · 30/09/2020 14:08

I just want to say that you are doing really well to go to counselling and do the work on yourself.

The way you describe your mental health, it all sounds very difficult. It was never your fault that you had depression or anxiety. These are illnesses and as long as we recognise them and seek help for them then there is nothing else that can be done.

This wasn't a relationship that ended because you were selfish. It naturally ended because of the situation that you were both in. Now you have some more insight into why you acted as you have, you have taken on ownership of all of the failures. No one person is ever fully responsible for a breakup and you weren't well. I am sure you tried your best with what you had at the time.

Focus on yourself and your mental health. Make yourself the centre of everything for a while, and good luck.

TheBlueStocking · 30/09/2020 17:26

I agree with others. I'm sure there were other factors, especially if you say he wasn't wanting sex as much as he used to. I doubt your anxiety was entirely in your head.

PaterPower · 30/09/2020 18:16

”especially if you say he wasn't wanting sex as much as he used to”

Oh behave. I appreciate that we wouldn’t want to kick the OP, but let’s be realistic about this.

In any other thread, nobody would think that an expectation of sex staying at the same level as year 1, when you’re in year 4 or 5, was reasonable.

Nor would anyone think it’s remotely likely to get your partner interested when you’re pestering them for more (and probably constantly asking whether they’ve lost interest in you). That applies to men and women in either position.

NameAChange · 30/09/2020 19:52

I agree that if you focus your energy on getting him back, you will lose the focus on working on yourself.

Its quite difficult to untangle.

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with explaining your understanding of your behaviour now that you have had time to reflect in therapy i.e. that you realised now you had sunk so low it affected everything negatively, and you hope to act differently in future, and that you feel deep regret over what happened, without raking over detail.

But the real questions are then Do you hope to get back together? How will you feel if its too late? How do you feel about remaining friends? Be realistic, was it that great?

Btw I have done something similar (sunk so low it affected relationships) - I completely agree you have to learn from it, it is not acceptable to get so low it badly impacts other people, but it is acceptable to ask for help and take small steps and be kind to yourself. Spend some time on yourself, decide on your own standards. Remember it is never black and white. Only taken me years to work this out. Sounds like you have too so well done.

Have faith, if it is meant to be it is meant to be.

TheBlueStocking · 30/09/2020 23:10

@PaterPower

”especially if you say he wasn't wanting sex as much as he used to”

Oh behave. I appreciate that we wouldn’t want to kick the OP, but let’s be realistic about this.

In any other thread, nobody would think that an expectation of sex staying at the same level as year 1, when you’re in year 4 or 5, was reasonable.

Nor would anyone think it’s remotely likely to get your partner interested when you’re pestering them for more (and probably constantly asking whether they’ve lost interest in you). That applies to men and women in either position.

Except that everything you've said is just speculation, sure.

PaterPower · 30/09/2020 23:20

“I started to catastrophise the fact that we weren't having sex maybe not quite as much as we should have.”

“I spent weeks going over and over and over it with him in my head (OP corrected that to “in person”) and I think it got too much for him”

Not really “speculation,” is it, when the OP’s put it in her post. But what IS speculation is that there were “other factors, especially if you say he wasn’t wanting sex as much...”

Anordinarymum · 30/09/2020 23:39

@haveigonemad123

Hi everyone,

A few months ago my ex DP ended what was a very loving and fun relationship for over 5 years. Over the few years I have suffered from anxiety, very poor self esteem, overthinking and depression. He was always so supportive. But I don't think I realised how bad it got over the last year.

I started to catastrophise the fact that we weren't having sex maybe not quite as much as we should have. I started to think that because he's so laid back and quite chilled out, I started to believe that he didn't really like me and that if he was that bothered, he'd do more. I spent weeks going over and over and over it with him in my head and I think it got too much for him. In the end, he ended things.

I've had therapy for 5 weeks now and my head is so much clearer. I've realised that my MH spiralled to the point where my thoughts absolutely escalated, in every way not just the relationship, and I saw the relationship as doomed. I saw everything as doomed and my self esteem was horrific. Now I've had therapy I realised I actually had a really loving and happy relationship but my head absolutely catastrophised everything.

Our relationship ended on good terms and he has checked in every now and then to check I'm okay, but he seemed adamant he was done. He said the last few months were so hard for him and he's not in the place for any sort of relationship anymore.

I can't help but feel so much guilt for how I treated him and thought the relationship was doomed when it was actually a really happy one. What on earth do I do now? He is everything I've ever wanted in a guy which is why it worked so well for the first 4 years and I've absolutely ruined it.

What would you like to happen now OP

Original poster

haveigonemad123 · 30/09/2020 23:53

Thanks everyone probably right that I need to use this time to work on myself! I've signed up to the gym today and planned some girly days out so it's a start.

Ideally I'd love to start again but it can't happen. I truly do think he is the man for me and we are really compatible and I've chucked it away 😬 but I'm trying to do no contact to let him have space and it's so painful trying to do the right thing !

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 01/10/2020 01:59

No, No, No

We stopped having sex as much as I would like (usually men that complain of this) I take the blame.

Tried to explain my concerns (I nagged him). I take the blame
He left. I take the blame

I went to a councillor, she agreed I should take the blame.

It sounds like the relationship for 4 years was good then things changed to make you insecure. It also sounds like you've been too trusting of your partner and his reasons for ending the relationship.

Find someone else, you don't need anymore shaming.
Just maybe its not your fault.

Isadora2007 · 01/10/2020 02:07

The counsellor you’re working with only has your version of things. And they’re not going to be able to know what Role your ex played in the way things planned out in the relationship. You say he isn’t in the right space for a relationship and he’s found the last few months hard, so I’d say that he isn’t right for you and the relationship is over. You can’t change what is past- only the future, and I don’t think going back would be healthy for you as you still seem to vilify yourself and sanctify him- you say the relationship was fun and happy. But you weren’t. So it wasn’t. It was a relationship where you became mentally unwell and although you say he was supportive- he didn’t ensure you got help to change? And stick around while you did... you didn’t talk and reflect with him like you have in the last 5 weeks... you didn’t grow as a person and as a couple. You didn’t thrive. It isn’t right for you.

ittakes2 · 01/10/2020 06:15

I think you should talk to your councillor about how you are feeling. It could be you are castastrophing this now. It’s great you are doing therapy but at 5 weeks you are likely to still have a lot to go through. Good luck.

PicsInRed · 01/10/2020 08:02

Was your mental health poor before you were with him? Is it better now, with some distance?

Is there a connection there, do you think?

SonEtLumiere · 01/10/2020 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pesimistic · 01/10/2020 08:10

I think you've got to move on wih your new found knowledge about your passed relationship and keep it as a learned experience that mental health will impact how you view things. You cannot try and get him back if that's what you want right now, that in its self will be damaging, he himself has said hes done with any form of relationship so you have to respect his boundaries and his mental health. Take the positive from this situation; you've gained clarity and empowerment from improved mental health and your therapy. Thats a win. Concentrate on improving your mental health and self esteem further and you will be strong enough to enter into a new relationship when it's right for you.

PicsInRed · 01/10/2020 09:06

If you are trying to paint him as some abuser I think that’s really off.

Here is the big clue that he isn’t... he has stayed away. An abuser would use the fact OP is in therapy and blaming herself as a hammer to beat her for ever. He isn’t doing that.

It doesnt matter if he is an abuser or not. If the relationship causes mental illness for reasons of dynamics, compatibility or any other reason, it needs to end and stay ended.

Not all abusers stick around. Some do their thing, discard and disappear forever. But again, for these purposes, it doesnt matter whether it's abuse, what matters is whether the OP should continue to have contact with her ex. If her mental health deteriorated due to the dynamics of their relationship, continued contact will not aid in her long term recovery.