Therapy making me realise it was all my problem

[haveigonemad123]

Hi everyone,

A few months ago my ex DP ended what was a very loving and fun relationship for over 5 years. Over the few years I have suffered from anxiety, very poor self esteem, overthinking and depression. He was always so supportive. But I don't think I realised how bad it got over the last year.

I started to catastrophise the fact that we weren't having sex maybe not quite as much as we should have. I started to think that because he's so laid back and quite chilled out, I started to believe that he didn't really like me and that if he was that bothered, he'd do more. I spent weeks going over and over and over it with him in my head and I think it got too much for him. In the end, he ended things.

I've had therapy for 5 weeks now and my head is so much clearer. I've realised that my MH spiralled to the point where my thoughts absolutely escalated, in every way not just the relationship, and I saw the relationship as doomed. I saw everything as doomed and my self esteem was horrific. Now I've had therapy I realised I actually had a really loving and happy relationship but my head absolutely catastrophised everything.

Our relationship ended on good terms and he has checked in every now and then to check I'm okay, but he seemed adamant he was done. He said the last few months were so hard for him and he's not in the place for any sort of relationship anymore.

I can't help but feel so much guilt for how I treated him and thought the relationship was doomed when it was actually a really happy one. What on earth do I do now? He is everything I've ever wanted in a guy which is why it worked so well for the first 4 years and I've absolutely ruined it.

OP,

The therapy is helping you.

That is so positive.

MH problems don't evaporate in 5 weeks.

Keep working on getting healthy.

Keep away from him.

Respecting his wishes for this to be over is respecting yourself too.

Focus on yourself and get well.

Long term this will give you your best chance for a great future.

You've only been in therapy five weeks, I think your revelations will need more working through.

Yeah I had these problems before I even met him and they've always been very up and down.
He couldn't be further from an abuser! He was always so supportive, came with me to doctors appointments etc, always there for a chat and a cuddle. I think I just piled it on him too much and the overthinking became too much for the poor guy.
I know it's easy to say I just need to move on, and I know I do, but it's hard when you've pushed away the person you love the most and really feel you should be with! All it took was a bit of hindsight and clearing my head

I don’t think it’s as simple as “a bit of hindsight and clearing your head” - it sounds like you MH was not great and you were not managing it well. Sometimes we need to hit the bottom to be able to reflect and make changes.

Maybe you would never have had these realizations if your ex had not left. It’s very sad and I know you must miss him very much. But he gave you a gift really - he showed you that you really needed to get help.

Hi OP, I was in a similar spiral a few years ago but I guess I was lucky in that I recognised the signs that I wasn't managing my MH properly a bit earlier (I have GAD) and managed to get the support I need before it wrecked my relationship.

My advice is please stay in therapy and once you've gone beyond the discovery and self-awarenss phase work with your therapist on some resilience techniques to try and help you cope better in the future and more readily recognise when you are spiralling down.

Also please don't listen to the unhelpful posters trying to tell you that your ex was an abuser or similar. It simply isn't something that you need in your head at the moment. Sadly some posters on MN can't quite cope with relationships where men are not at fault for everything.

This was the OP's first post.

Over the few years I have suffered from anxiety, very poor self esteem, overthinking and depression. He was always so supportive. But I don't think I realised how bad it got over the last year.

The situation is obviously completely different if she's been unwell her entire life.

Either way, as I said, it's not a case of whether there is abuse, it's a case of whether this relationship was making her unwell or exacerbating her illness. He could be perfectly lovely and yet be incompatible with her, without either of them being deficient in any way - what matters is what will make her more well and whether continued contact assists recovery or harms it.

I would suggest that continued contact is not helpful here.

@PicsInRed I'm not sure you have enough information to make those kind of judgements and recommendations.

You assume the relationship is the cause of her MH with no evidence to support that.

My advice for OP is to focus on improving her MH and her toolkit for managing that. Worrying about the relationship is entirely secondary to that now that it has ended.

oh gosh your post resonated with me because I'm in a similar position, wondering if i need counselling, please tell me how to find a good counsellor x