Struggling

[Relationship1]

I have been with my girlfriend for 15 years, but the last few years have been sex free, she says it’s menopause (44) but in the last 4 years there no intimacy, she says she’s just lost all interest but still loves me and still see’s us growing old together, I’m finding it a real struggle not just the fact of no sex but also no closeness, there’s has been nothing more than a peck goodnight for years, And I never thought as a man I’d be practically begging for some sort of affection not even the sex although I miss every part of it,I’m just desperate to feel close again to feel like she actually still loves me and wants to be with me, I feel I have no one to talk to about it because I feel embarrassed, I admit I’m no expert in the situation and the changes she’s going through can’t be easy on her either,

Have you told her how you feel?

Yeah just leads to arguments, she won’t go to the doctor and as much as I don’t the like the idea have suggested couples Counselling, I just find myself begging for the basics in a relationship

:( unless she need counseling, I think something more is going on with her, and not just menopause.

In my experience of this, I find that men become too complacent. They're happy to go to work, come home, eat tea, watch tv and go to bed. Women need to feel appreciated and really will get bored if life just potters on with nothing to look forward to. Men expect all the perks of a relationship but stop putting the effort in.
Make an effort, bring her flowers or whatever it she likes, take her on a picnic in the evening with wine, take her to a theme Park. I don't know, just make some effort.
Assuming you haven't been, if that's not the case then ignore me.

I have also thought that I have wondered if she just wants to stay together for my daughters sake,

If she won’t then you have two choices, give her the ultimatum and let her know you can’t live like this or learn to live like this.

It often takes women ages to leave men they once loved. Some stay and bumble along until either they becone so depressed abd miserable they leave, and some have their head turned.
If she's unhappy in the relationship, chances are she's tried to talk to you at some point but nothing has changed. When thus happens repeatedly, women emotionally check out and no longer wish to be close to you.
Think back to any issues she's repeatedly brought up. If issues aren't addressed, we give up and stop bringing it up as it's a pointless operation. At this stage, men think things are better as weve stopped going on/nagging but what they fail to realise is that at this point weve given up and we have begun the process of detaching. If you're at this stage, good luck, you'll need it.

Nobody can tell if your girlfriend has physical symptoms preventing sexual contact. But at 44, and the fact it has lasted a few years.... The menopause being the sole reason for no affection, intimacy or sex seems unlikely. I'm 43 and I believe I'm perimenopausal and the symptoms so far are manageable with effort. But everyone is different.

Is she taking a proper vitamin regime? Exercising? Diet? Is she taking care of herself? For her own health I mean.

What age is your daughter? Is she your girlfriends stepdaughter?

I am 43 myself. I haven’t gone through menopause yet but i probably will be soon

Yeah she looks after herself but she does have ms but it doesn’t stop her going about daily life and working part time , our daughter is 6,

If you don't want to live the rest of your life like this then you will have to end the relationship. In fact I would suggest there is a stark inevitability about it. I'd start with some serious duck sorting.

Your wife has MS? That's quite a drip feed.

I am 43 myself. I haven’t gone through menopause yet but i probably will be soon
It might not be that soon. Im 55 and it has only just started for me!

@Relationship1

Yeah she looks after herself but she does have ms but it doesn’t stop her going about daily life and working part time , our daughter is 6,

MS, a child, and menospause, ah no wonder. It’s hard to feel affectionate with all that. But do tell her you want to make it work. So something has to change. .

Plus working part time and who knows what else she doing. Maybe help her with her stress workload

I’d do help with the work load it’s not like I leave her with to do everything , but if you can’t have a cuddle or a bit of us time at least once in 4 years then there is a problem, I have told her that I want it to work and that we need to change something but nothing changes

Ok, a couple of things...
you say you want affection but women often find that 'a cuddle' is expected to lead to more. That may be why she is shying away from physical closeness, she may be worried that it will lead to you expecting more than just a kiss and a cuddle. That is worth some discussion, to remove the pressure she might be feeling to have sex.

...one of you wanting sex and the other never wanting it isn't going to work. You are going to have to be able to talk to her about this. If you have told her how you are feeling, she is refusing to see the doctor or have counselling, she is not willing to try very hard.

...lastly, as soemone else has pointed out, it's sometimes really hard to WANT sex. If she, like me, shoulders the majority of the load at home (and I don't just mean cooking and doing dishes, I mean the mental load too - remembering when the bins go out, when the beds need changed, when the meter reading is due, when birthday presents need to be bought, when new school shoes are needed, when that homework needs to be done by) - it's exhausting and can leave sex at the bottom of a very long list of priorities.

I do appreciate all the views from a woman’s perspective it is helpful, I have told her that I no sex is off the table but we still need some sort of affection, honestly I cuddle and a bit of a kiss every now and than is all I’m on about just to feel connected again and close if we can’t have that in a relationship (which we haven’t for years) than we are just house mates

I help out and do my fair share, il go and spend days out with my daughter and let her have some “me” time I cover most of the bills , don’t get me wrong there is always more I could do I have tried giving her space, I tried talking, I’m just stumped

Tiny2018 yes this!!!

I stopped having sex with my husband because I was completely taken for granted in everyway and decided I wasn't going to just be a prone body to fuck.

I did discuss this with him and he just said well what have we got to talk about so that was that.

@Relationship1 , it sounds grim living with no physical expression of love. But iMS is often associated with loss of libido. Are you in contact with the MS Society about this? You could at least find out if anything can be done to counteract it. And if your wife simply doesn't want to know, you can get some idea of why this is. You certainly need some informed support.

@Relationship1

I help out and do my fair share, il go and spend days out with my daughter and let her have some “me” time I cover most of the bills , don’t get me wrong there is always more I could do I have tried giving her space, I tried talking, I’m just stumped

Yeah, I figured you tried all that , hence my first post , give her the ultimatum if she won’t seek help or learn to live like this. You can find connections elsewhere like going for a walk together or watch a good movie together. Or have a good morning conversation without any arguments of no affection.

Honestly, if a person finds themselves in a sexless relationship at 44 that also lacks basic affection and doesn’t see that as a problem for them or their partner (who has said it is a problem) you have to question their intellectual capacity or at least their emotional intelligence.

Someone that devoid of empathy isn’t worth trying to connect with. Chances are she is just being dishonest - she still wants the security but doesn’t provide the authenticity of a real relationship anymore. Sorry, but this doomed. You can do all the housework you like but the best you’ll ever get is pity sex. That’s like “surviving” on a diet of wet cardboard and vitamin pills.

So she has no idea if she is menopausal but using it as a reason for no sex.

I work fulltime and have 4 DC and still enjoy sex and affection and I am older than her. Sounds like she isnt interested in you anymore and if your happy with this type of relationship then fine but of not you will need to make a decision about your future.

I’m not happy I’m 36 met her when I was. 22 and took on her 2 kids as my own (23,18 now) not had sex or anything since I was bloody 32 , I don’t want to throw it away if Her reason are genuine but I have thought about if it’s just for security, , it’s grim feeling like this it affects my confidence you start to feel insecure after being rejected for so long , with everything going on I just can’t get my head around how I’m years you can’t have that feeling or desire for affection