Struggling

[Relationship1]

I have been with my girlfriend for 15 years, but the last few years have been sex free, she says it’s menopause (44) but in the last 4 years there no intimacy, she says she’s just lost all interest but still loves me and still see’s us growing old together, I’m finding it a real struggle not just the fact of no sex but also no closeness, there’s has been nothing more than a peck goodnight for years, And I never thought as a man I’d be practically begging for some sort of affection not even the sex although I miss every part of it,I’m just desperate to feel close again to feel like she actually still loves me and wants to be with me, I feel I have no one to talk to about it because I feel embarrassed, I admit I’m no expert in the situation and the changes she’s going through can’t be easy on her either,

Adult kids? Her’s not yours? 4yrs without sex?
If you think this isn’t toxic then you have serious Stockholm Syndrome.
Get out before this damages you for life.

There is a very good chance that she has sadly fallen out of love for you but is staying because of the children and finances. She couldn't tell you that because you wouldn't accept to continue with the relationship if it was the case.

So you need to consider this and how you feel about it.

If that is the case I’d be gone noway I could continue like that, or like this tbh, set myself a date and if nothing better I’m off I think

Hi,
I'm 46 & have been peri-menopausal for over 2 years just to give an insight on the non physical symptoms that I found in my personal experience but really would have an affect on a relationship.. I had always prided myself on my appearance definitely the type of person to be overdressed never under dressed, hair & nails had to be perfect, full face of makeup & had been fairly confident that I looked ok & quite good for my age.. I was outgoing & sociable but that literally changed overnight . I couldn't stand looking in the mirror (although nothing had changed), I stopped making so much effort because I just didn't even want to be noticed, I couldn't speak to people (especially when my words would get muddled with the brain fog) but I just didn't think they would be interested in anything I said. it was as much as I could do to drag myself to work or school run, the few social events I forced myself to go to I had massive anxiety all day (even vomiting with anxiety before a Charity Ball).. I did have a partner during that time but that was hard because of the way I felt about myself, I totally shut off my feelings to protect myself as I just thought I'm not good enough he will dump me any day. I starved myself to keep my weight down so he didn't think I was fat, he must have thought I was so boring because my anxiety made me not enjoy my life.. I was so quiet & subservient because a) because I felt I needed his direction & b) because I thought it would keep him..

Obviously this played a huge part in our intimate life again I couldn't relax, I was so self conscious it was under the covers, lights out.. boring & samey.. not how a new relationship should be. I never instigated it nor enjoyed it, just found it quite yuk!!

I described it to my GP as I've lost my mojo & my spark & no longer recognise the person in the mirror, nor like her so why would anyone else like me.
Luckily she was brilliant & after a blood test confirmed that I was a good candidate for HRT.. I cannot tell you how much they helped me, I'm so close to being the me I was before & have my mojo back.. I have changed as a person but am beginning to accept that what I see in the mirror is ok for my age & that I'm still likeable & possibly even attractive to some (although happy to be single) .. obviously I can't say if my sexual urges have returned because I'm single but I don't find the idea of doing it traumatic & yuk anymore.

I don't know if this helps but there is so much more to the menopause than hot flushes the hormone imbalance can literally make you feel like giving up on life.

So you've known these children since they were 4 and 9.... 22 years was quite young to take on these responsibilities.

I think from an outside perspective she certainly has a lot going on. I don't know anything about MS and I did a quick search and it seems to me like a condition that can affect people in different ways, and to different degrees. Along with the potential perimenopause then it's certainly possible that she has reasons for her lack of sex drive.

But this is where I kind of move away from being understanding, as it sounds like she has done nothing to improve things. Absolutely nothing. If my husband rendered our sex life obsolete when I was 32 ( or any age tbh) , and hadn't tried to resolve it in any way I would have left him.

I can't be in a monogamous relationship where the other person doesn't want to have sex with me, and makes no effort to try and turn this around. That is non negotiable for me.